That does give him some context. Jesper's homey cabin is the same now that they're back to themselves, and he's lounging in it waiting for Wilhelm to get there. He does kind of miss the large dramatic pub that he, Kaz, and Mat made together, but they could probably come up with something smaller level if they wanted to. He is lounging inside on the couch and the door is open. His coat is hung up by the door and he's in sedate dark green shades, comfortable and casual in his space rather than his more dramatic look when out and about.
He's been handling all of this much better than most but it's because Jesper sees it as him being mostly himself just on a bigger scale. The 800 years made him go 'yep that's who I'd be.' The only thing that's driving him up the wall is the lack of freedom he's back to. Jesper fought the entire way to the crater because he didn't like being controlled, and now he is under their thumb again. For a time there, he started to fool himself that he was freer than he thought, but now he knows otherwise. And he can't run off to the Fey anymore.
Now he's also far away from all his Thorne lovers yet again which is exhausting, and it would've been so much easier to comfort Wilhelm if he could've simply appeared where he was, rather than needing to wait once a month or in here. But it is what it is. He waits for the pigeon to arrive, knowing he's about to face some heartbreak. One that he personally knows well.
"Hey," is all Wilhelm can muster to announce himself as he shuffles through Jesper's door. He forces a quick upturn of his lips, but it can't really be called a smile. He hasn't put much thought into his outfit, just a hoodie and some sweatpants, the sort of thing you wear when you don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.
If there's a measure of distance gathered stiffly around him when he joins Jesper on the couch, it's because he's remembering what they were in that imaginary life. Not friends who fool around, but serious lovers. He was in love with Jesper. Now that he's back to his regular old self, he doesn't know what to feel. He may have forgotten Kelson, and he might have already been gone, but it still feels like a betrayal, a promise broken.
Truthfully, he had avoided calling on Jesper until now because even though he knows he's one of the best friends he's got, and he's always propped Wilhelm up when he needed it the most, his head and heart are just unruly messes spilling everywhere. So, he sits with his knees pulled to his chest and doesn't know where to begin.
Jesper makes room on the couch, seeing the depression hoodie for what it is, and waits until Wilhelm decides where he wants to settle. His body language is very clear since he's not immediately seeking the physical comfort of Jesper's body like a hug, so Jesper respects that. He reaches out though to rub a hand gently up and down his back, just to make him feel seen and cared for.
He had a somewhat similar reaction when he lost Wylan. Kaz was there for him, considering they both went through losing Inej together. He understands the feeling. It doesn't matter that Wilhelm didn't have years of closeness with Kelson. It was still a relationship that mattered, that gave him some hope and made him feel happy. And now he's gone, just like that.
"I saw you on the network mention he walked into the crater with you, but he wasn't in the experience." Which means he was taken before that even happened. Maybe the instant before they all collapsed.
His shoulders sag as Jesper soothes his back. Wilhelm fidgets with one of the hoodie strings, twisting it around his finger. Every time he talks about it, it feels like he's digging new holes in his heart, nails scraping deeper, red and raw, but he doesn't know how to bury the hurt either.
"I didn't even remember him until I woke up." His voice treads quietly, weary and defeated. "I don't even remember the last thing I said to him, or the last thing he said to me."
Half because his brain is fried by centuries of fake memories, half because it was probably something mundane, something wholly inadequate to what Kelson meant to him. He didn't know it was the last time. He doesn't know if Kelson even knew how fiercely he loved him, how badly he wanted to help him find a life he could actually be happy with. He thought they'd have more time.
"You just got centuries of fake memories in your head, it might take time to sort it all out." Jesper doesn't know if it'll be better or worse to remember last words, but if it's something he does want to remember, he hopes Wilhelm will get it back once their brains snap back. All his memories are still jumbled, personally. Most of it was nice. He knows that he got lucky. He didn't have anything to be ashamed about on the other end of it, unlike some people.
His hand keeps rubbing Wilhelm's back with the most comfort he can offer for now. It's never gotten any easier to know what to say in these moments. They've all lost people, and everyone handles it in different ways. Jesper's not sure he handles it any better than others, since he mostly copes with it quietly until the hurt is less. Kaz is his go-to source of comfort for the obvious reasons.
"Do you know what his situation was back home?" Was it an okay life he was leading? Or was it the worst possible option?
He still remembers the last thing he ever said to Erik. You're being annoying. Bye. His brother had been teasing him for wanting to stay down at school for the weekend — he'd guessed, correctly, that the real reason for Wilhelm's change in plans was that he found someone he liked. Why are you sulking in your room if you have a crush to hang out with? The next day, Erik was dead.
It was an ordinary thing, that last conversation, made precious by the fact that he would never get to talk to his brother again. So he holds onto what he can remember of Erik's voice on the other end of the phone, just as he hoards every other piece of him, like his blood and bones and every breath are a shrine.
Just as he's now trying to collect all the pieces of Kelson he can. At the question, Wilhelm takes in a shaky breath. He winds the hoodie string tighter around his fingers.
"He was king. He became king at a stupidly young age, he didn't even have a chance to really become a person first. And he...he cares about his people, I know he does. He wants to do a good job, but—"
His words buckle, and the full weight of his sadness crashes through.
"He shouldn't have to sacrifice his own happiness for that. He didn't think it mattered what he wanted, but it does. It fucking does."
Jesper doesn't remember his last words to anyone. His father, Inej, Wylan. Inej and Wylan disappeared in the night. He likes to think that he said he loved them, because that is the sort of thing Jesper did with his loved ones. He never takes it for granted that the words are understood so he says them regularly. The one thing he can hold onto is that people in his life do know how he feels about them, always. So if he goes, if they go, there is that hanging in the air, still alive.
He knew that Kelson was a king because they spoke briefly on the network, and he told Jesper about it a little. He seemed like a nice enough sort although he couldn't get a full read on him. He encouraged him to befriend Nikolai and Kell. Jesper was asking in case Kelson was one of those tragic cases where he was dead back home, but it sounds like he wasn't, so that's a relief at least. That would be far worse. Although a part of him thinks that it's for the best Wilhelm didn't have 800 years of memories of Kelson on top of that to lose. At least this is one sharp tug, a few months rather than centuries.
Jesper moves closer to Wilhelm on the couch and goes ahead and puts an arm around him since he's clearly starting to unravel. He can pull away if he wants to, but Jesper has a hard time not offering physical comfort from someone who needs it. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Truly. Wherever he is now, he was lucky to have spent time with you, and I know he would say that."
Wilhelm lets Jesper envelop him, and folds into him, because he needs it — the comfort of another's warmth, the reminder that he's not alone. It's not enough to stop hot tears from spilling out, but Jesper doesn't need to stop them. He just needs to make space for them.
"He should've had more time to figure out what he wanted. He should've had a choice."
His heart stings, knowing that Kelson would have chosen to return home. He made no secret of it. He had always wanted to go back to his kingdom, his duties, his royal cage. He found purpose in it, without which he felt unmoored. He didn't know who he was without his crown. And Wilhelm, he'd hoped to show Kelson that he could find purpose in this fresh start too. He wanted to be by Kelson's side while he learned who he could be outside of his mother's expectations.
Now, he's just gone.
"I couldn't help him," Wilhelm cries into his knees. "I couldn't help him. I couldn't make him happy."
Jesper pulls Wilhelm close to him and wraps him into his arms so he has all the comfort he physically can handle. It's not enough to stop the pain in his heart, but at least he knows he has someone he can lean on. Wilhelm cries and his heart hurts because there is nothing Jesper truly can do, but that's the reality of their situation. Sometimes all it can do is make you feel helpless. He can hold him, that is something he can offer.
It sounds like Kelson got what he wanted at heart, but that's not something helpful for Wilhelm to think about. It's better to focus on the what ifs because that is where the pain is and where the healing will eventually come from. Kelson might have created a life for himself here that he truly wanted and had time to experience it. That is possible. It's not what happened.
"You would have, love, in time you would have. You'd make anyone happy." They didn't have the time, which is cruel, but Jesper has no doubt that he's right. Wilhelm's love and support could change the life of a king. Jesper lifts his hand to caress through Wilhelm's sandy hair, as soothing as possible. "You gave him something beautiful while he was here." His heart, his body. Jesper knows if he was in Kelson's shoes, he would have been glad for that time, however short.
It hurts to wonder what might have been if they'd only had more time to grow it, and it hurts to imagine Kelson crammed back into royal life, obligated by duty to one day marry and have heirs and forget all about him. It hurts to face each morning, knowing that time will only take him farther away from Kelson and the days they shared.
Time will dull the hurt too. He knows this, because he used to cry over Simon and flay himself on daydreams about could've beens, until one day he realized he hadn't really thought about Simon in a little while, and then the name came only with a ripple of sadness instead of a whole tidal wave. But Wilhelm doesn't want to be healed, he wants to be loved, and be in love.
He grabs onto Jesper's arm, keeping him there. You gave him something beautiful while he was here. He holds onto that, hopes it's true.
After a little while, Wilhelm smudges away what's left of his tears and jokes in a small, hollow voice, "How come this is the longest lasting relationship I've ever been in?"
Jesper is lucky in his love life and he never takes it for granted, but part of that too is not putting all his eggs in one basket. But he knows how Wille feels about this, and how important it is to him. That's why he's not attempting to make any of this intimate, to kiss and soothe in ways that he knows have made Wilhelm feel better in the past, or distract him the same way. This is not something he can fix by being Wilhelm's lover, only by being his friend.
"Because you've been here a long time and you've grown up a lot, you were more ready for that type of relationship." And it won't be your last, he almost says, but he knows that Wilhelm isn't in a place when he can think about a new future. Jesper's certain he will find that love eventually, Wilhelm was made to be loved. He doesn't know anyone currently who would fit the bill, but there's no hurry.
"I know you feel lonely, but you do have friends here, people who care about you. It might not be enough, but I hope it's at least something." Jesper knows he's not the only one that Wilhelm has. It would be unhealthy if he was. Knowing he's not alone is the key to getting through this.
By this he meant them — him and Jesper. His relationship with Simon imploded before it ever really got off the ground, and now his relationship with Kelson has been abruptly cut short, all after just a few fleeting months. Jesper has been a constant fixture in his life for almost two years now. A little more than friends but not quite love; even friends with benefits feels too flippant for how much Jesper means to him.
It's not like he wishes he could actually fall in love with Jesper. He doesn't have hundreds of years to stamp out the jealousy that would inevitably scorch him. Love would just make a huge mess of everything.
He just wishes there could be someone else who stays for once.
"I know." He rubs Jesper's arm to let him know he's not taking him for granted. "I know. Thank you, Jes."
That's one thing that's different this time: he's not alone. When Simon told him he didn't want to be anybody's secret, Wilhelm was left with nobody he could talk to about what he was carrying. Soon after, he found himself in Thorne, where he knew nobody and knew what to do even less. He'd never felt more alone in his life.
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Date: 2024-05-31 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-06-01 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-06-02 01:49 am (UTC)That does give him some context. Jesper's homey cabin is the same now that they're back to themselves, and he's lounging in it waiting for Wilhelm to get there. He does kind of miss the large dramatic pub that he, Kaz, and Mat made together, but they could probably come up with something smaller level if they wanted to. He is lounging inside on the couch and the door is open. His coat is hung up by the door and he's in sedate dark green shades, comfortable and casual in his space rather than his more dramatic look when out and about.
He's been handling all of this much better than most but it's because Jesper sees it as him being mostly himself just on a bigger scale. The 800 years made him go 'yep that's who I'd be.' The only thing that's driving him up the wall is the lack of freedom he's back to. Jesper fought the entire way to the crater because he didn't like being controlled, and now he is under their thumb again. For a time there, he started to fool himself that he was freer than he thought, but now he knows otherwise. And he can't run off to the Fey anymore.
Now he's also far away from all his Thorne lovers yet again which is exhausting, and it would've been so much easier to comfort Wilhelm if he could've simply appeared where he was, rather than needing to wait once a month or in here. But it is what it is. He waits for the pigeon to arrive, knowing he's about to face some heartbreak. One that he personally knows well.
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Date: 2024-06-05 01:14 am (UTC)If there's a measure of distance gathered stiffly around him when he joins Jesper on the couch, it's because he's remembering what they were in that imaginary life. Not friends who fool around, but serious lovers. He was in love with Jesper. Now that he's back to his regular old self, he doesn't know what to feel. He may have forgotten Kelson, and he might have already been gone, but it still feels like a betrayal, a promise broken.
Truthfully, he had avoided calling on Jesper until now because even though he knows he's one of the best friends he's got, and he's always propped Wilhelm up when he needed it the most, his head and heart are just unruly messes spilling everywhere. So, he sits with his knees pulled to his chest and doesn't know where to begin.
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Date: 2024-06-05 02:41 am (UTC)He had a somewhat similar reaction when he lost Wylan. Kaz was there for him, considering they both went through losing Inej together. He understands the feeling. It doesn't matter that Wilhelm didn't have years of closeness with Kelson. It was still a relationship that mattered, that gave him some hope and made him feel happy. And now he's gone, just like that.
"I saw you on the network mention he walked into the crater with you, but he wasn't in the experience." Which means he was taken before that even happened. Maybe the instant before they all collapsed.
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Date: 2024-06-09 04:29 am (UTC)"I didn't even remember him until I woke up." His voice treads quietly, weary and defeated. "I don't even remember the last thing I said to him, or the last thing he said to me."
Half because his brain is fried by centuries of fake memories, half because it was probably something mundane, something wholly inadequate to what Kelson meant to him. He didn't know it was the last time. He doesn't know if Kelson even knew how fiercely he loved him, how badly he wanted to help him find a life he could actually be happy with. He thought they'd have more time.
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Date: 2024-06-11 03:05 pm (UTC)His hand keeps rubbing Wilhelm's back with the most comfort he can offer for now. It's never gotten any easier to know what to say in these moments. They've all lost people, and everyone handles it in different ways. Jesper's not sure he handles it any better than others, since he mostly copes with it quietly until the hurt is less. Kaz is his go-to source of comfort for the obvious reasons.
"Do you know what his situation was back home?" Was it an okay life he was leading? Or was it the worst possible option?
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Date: 2024-06-11 09:12 pm (UTC)It was an ordinary thing, that last conversation, made precious by the fact that he would never get to talk to his brother again. So he holds onto what he can remember of Erik's voice on the other end of the phone, just as he hoards every other piece of him, like his blood and bones and every breath are a shrine.
Just as he's now trying to collect all the pieces of Kelson he can. At the question, Wilhelm takes in a shaky breath. He winds the hoodie string tighter around his fingers.
"He was king. He became king at a stupidly young age, he didn't even have a chance to really become a person first. And he...he cares about his people, I know he does. He wants to do a good job, but—"
His words buckle, and the full weight of his sadness crashes through.
"He shouldn't have to sacrifice his own happiness for that. He didn't think it mattered what he wanted, but it does. It fucking does."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 01:37 am (UTC)He knew that Kelson was a king because they spoke briefly on the network, and he told Jesper about it a little. He seemed like a nice enough sort although he couldn't get a full read on him. He encouraged him to befriend Nikolai and Kell. Jesper was asking in case Kelson was one of those tragic cases where he was dead back home, but it sounds like he wasn't, so that's a relief at least. That would be far worse. Although a part of him thinks that it's for the best Wilhelm didn't have 800 years of memories of Kelson on top of that to lose. At least this is one sharp tug, a few months rather than centuries.
Jesper moves closer to Wilhelm on the couch and goes ahead and puts an arm around him since he's clearly starting to unravel. He can pull away if he wants to, but Jesper has a hard time not offering physical comfort from someone who needs it. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Truly. Wherever he is now, he was lucky to have spent time with you, and I know he would say that."
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Date: 2024-06-20 10:59 pm (UTC)"He should've had more time to figure out what he wanted. He should've had a choice."
His heart stings, knowing that Kelson would have chosen to return home. He made no secret of it. He had always wanted to go back to his kingdom, his duties, his royal cage. He found purpose in it, without which he felt unmoored. He didn't know who he was without his crown. And Wilhelm, he'd hoped to show Kelson that he could find purpose in this fresh start too. He wanted to be by Kelson's side while he learned who he could be outside of his mother's expectations.
Now, he's just gone.
"I couldn't help him," Wilhelm cries into his knees. "I couldn't help him. I couldn't make him happy."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-25 09:59 pm (UTC)It sounds like Kelson got what he wanted at heart, but that's not something helpful for Wilhelm to think about. It's better to focus on the what ifs because that is where the pain is and where the healing will eventually come from. Kelson might have created a life for himself here that he truly wanted and had time to experience it. That is possible. It's not what happened.
"You would have, love, in time you would have. You'd make anyone happy." They didn't have the time, which is cruel, but Jesper has no doubt that he's right. Wilhelm's love and support could change the life of a king. Jesper lifts his hand to caress through Wilhelm's sandy hair, as soothing as possible. "You gave him something beautiful while he was here." His heart, his body. Jesper knows if he was in Kelson's shoes, he would have been glad for that time, however short.
"I'm sorry, Wille, I'm truly sorry."
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Date: 2024-06-28 10:11 pm (UTC)Time will dull the hurt too. He knows this, because he used to cry over Simon and flay himself on daydreams about could've beens, until one day he realized he hadn't really thought about Simon in a little while, and then the name came only with a ripple of sadness instead of a whole tidal wave. But Wilhelm doesn't want to be healed, he wants to be loved, and be in love.
He grabs onto Jesper's arm, keeping him there. You gave him something beautiful while he was here. He holds onto that, hopes it's true.
After a little while, Wilhelm smudges away what's left of his tears and jokes in a small, hollow voice, "How come this is the longest lasting relationship I've ever been in?"
It comes out more mournful than he meant.
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Date: 2024-07-03 04:33 pm (UTC)"Because you've been here a long time and you've grown up a lot, you were more ready for that type of relationship." And it won't be your last, he almost says, but he knows that Wilhelm isn't in a place when he can think about a new future. Jesper's certain he will find that love eventually, Wilhelm was made to be loved. He doesn't know anyone currently who would fit the bill, but there's no hurry.
"I know you feel lonely, but you do have friends here, people who care about you. It might not be enough, but I hope it's at least something." Jesper knows he's not the only one that Wilhelm has. It would be unhealthy if he was. Knowing he's not alone is the key to getting through this.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-04 08:24 pm (UTC)It's not like he wishes he could actually fall in love with Jesper. He doesn't have hundreds of years to stamp out the jealousy that would inevitably scorch him. Love would just make a huge mess of everything.
He just wishes there could be someone else who stays for once.
"I know." He rubs Jesper's arm to let him know he's not taking him for granted. "I know. Thank you, Jes."
That's one thing that's different this time: he's not alone. When Simon told him he didn't want to be anybody's secret, Wilhelm was left with nobody he could talk to about what he was carrying. Soon after, he found himself in Thorne, where he knew nobody and knew what to do even less. He'd never felt more alone in his life.
It's nice, having someone to lean against now.