He still remembers the last thing he ever said to Erik. You're being annoying. Bye. His brother had been teasing him for wanting to stay down at school for the weekend — he'd guessed, correctly, that the real reason for Wilhelm's change in plans was that he found someone he liked. Why are you sulking in your room if you have a crush to hang out with? The next day, Erik was dead.
It was an ordinary thing, that last conversation, made precious by the fact that he would never get to talk to his brother again. So he holds onto what he can remember of Erik's voice on the other end of the phone, just as he hoards every other piece of him, like his blood and bones and every breath are a shrine.
Just as he's now trying to collect all the pieces of Kelson he can. At the question, Wilhelm takes in a shaky breath. He winds the hoodie string tighter around his fingers.
"He was king. He became king at a stupidly young age, he didn't even have a chance to really become a person first. And he...he cares about his people, I know he does. He wants to do a good job, but—"
His words buckle, and the full weight of his sadness crashes through.
"He shouldn't have to sacrifice his own happiness for that. He didn't think it mattered what he wanted, but it does. It fucking does."
Jesper doesn't remember his last words to anyone. His father, Inej, Wylan. Inej and Wylan disappeared in the night. He likes to think that he said he loved them, because that is the sort of thing Jesper did with his loved ones. He never takes it for granted that the words are understood so he says them regularly. The one thing he can hold onto is that people in his life do know how he feels about them, always. So if he goes, if they go, there is that hanging in the air, still alive.
He knew that Kelson was a king because they spoke briefly on the network, and he told Jesper about it a little. He seemed like a nice enough sort although he couldn't get a full read on him. He encouraged him to befriend Nikolai and Kell. Jesper was asking in case Kelson was one of those tragic cases where he was dead back home, but it sounds like he wasn't, so that's a relief at least. That would be far worse. Although a part of him thinks that it's for the best Wilhelm didn't have 800 years of memories of Kelson on top of that to lose. At least this is one sharp tug, a few months rather than centuries.
Jesper moves closer to Wilhelm on the couch and goes ahead and puts an arm around him since he's clearly starting to unravel. He can pull away if he wants to, but Jesper has a hard time not offering physical comfort from someone who needs it. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Truly. Wherever he is now, he was lucky to have spent time with you, and I know he would say that."
Wilhelm lets Jesper envelop him, and folds into him, because he needs it — the comfort of another's warmth, the reminder that he's not alone. It's not enough to stop hot tears from spilling out, but Jesper doesn't need to stop them. He just needs to make space for them.
"He should've had more time to figure out what he wanted. He should've had a choice."
His heart stings, knowing that Kelson would have chosen to return home. He made no secret of it. He had always wanted to go back to his kingdom, his duties, his royal cage. He found purpose in it, without which he felt unmoored. He didn't know who he was without his crown. And Wilhelm, he'd hoped to show Kelson that he could find purpose in this fresh start too. He wanted to be by Kelson's side while he learned who he could be outside of his mother's expectations.
Now, he's just gone.
"I couldn't help him," Wilhelm cries into his knees. "I couldn't help him. I couldn't make him happy."
Jesper pulls Wilhelm close to him and wraps him into his arms so he has all the comfort he physically can handle. It's not enough to stop the pain in his heart, but at least he knows he has someone he can lean on. Wilhelm cries and his heart hurts because there is nothing Jesper truly can do, but that's the reality of their situation. Sometimes all it can do is make you feel helpless. He can hold him, that is something he can offer.
It sounds like Kelson got what he wanted at heart, but that's not something helpful for Wilhelm to think about. It's better to focus on the what ifs because that is where the pain is and where the healing will eventually come from. Kelson might have created a life for himself here that he truly wanted and had time to experience it. That is possible. It's not what happened.
"You would have, love, in time you would have. You'd make anyone happy." They didn't have the time, which is cruel, but Jesper has no doubt that he's right. Wilhelm's love and support could change the life of a king. Jesper lifts his hand to caress through Wilhelm's sandy hair, as soothing as possible. "You gave him something beautiful while he was here." His heart, his body. Jesper knows if he was in Kelson's shoes, he would have been glad for that time, however short.
It hurts to wonder what might have been if they'd only had more time to grow it, and it hurts to imagine Kelson crammed back into royal life, obligated by duty to one day marry and have heirs and forget all about him. It hurts to face each morning, knowing that time will only take him farther away from Kelson and the days they shared.
Time will dull the hurt too. He knows this, because he used to cry over Simon and flay himself on daydreams about could've beens, until one day he realized he hadn't really thought about Simon in a little while, and then the name came only with a ripple of sadness instead of a whole tidal wave. But Wilhelm doesn't want to be healed, he wants to be loved, and be in love.
He grabs onto Jesper's arm, keeping him there. You gave him something beautiful while he was here. He holds onto that, hopes it's true.
After a little while, Wilhelm smudges away what's left of his tears and jokes in a small, hollow voice, "How come this is the longest lasting relationship I've ever been in?"
Jesper is lucky in his love life and he never takes it for granted, but part of that too is not putting all his eggs in one basket. But he knows how Wille feels about this, and how important it is to him. That's why he's not attempting to make any of this intimate, to kiss and soothe in ways that he knows have made Wilhelm feel better in the past, or distract him the same way. This is not something he can fix by being Wilhelm's lover, only by being his friend.
"Because you've been here a long time and you've grown up a lot, you were more ready for that type of relationship." And it won't be your last, he almost says, but he knows that Wilhelm isn't in a place when he can think about a new future. Jesper's certain he will find that love eventually, Wilhelm was made to be loved. He doesn't know anyone currently who would fit the bill, but there's no hurry.
"I know you feel lonely, but you do have friends here, people who care about you. It might not be enough, but I hope it's at least something." Jesper knows he's not the only one that Wilhelm has. It would be unhealthy if he was. Knowing he's not alone is the key to getting through this.
By this he meant them — him and Jesper. His relationship with Simon imploded before it ever really got off the ground, and now his relationship with Kelson has been abruptly cut short, all after just a few fleeting months. Jesper has been a constant fixture in his life for almost two years now. A little more than friends but not quite love; even friends with benefits feels too flippant for how much Jesper means to him.
It's not like he wishes he could actually fall in love with Jesper. He doesn't have hundreds of years to stamp out the jealousy that would inevitably scorch him. Love would just make a huge mess of everything.
He just wishes there could be someone else who stays for once.
"I know." He rubs Jesper's arm to let him know he's not taking him for granted. "I know. Thank you, Jes."
That's one thing that's different this time: he's not alone. When Simon told him he didn't want to be anybody's secret, Wilhelm was left with nobody he could talk to about what he was carrying. Soon after, he found himself in Thorne, where he knew nobody and knew what to do even less. He'd never felt more alone in his life.
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no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 09:12 pm (UTC)It was an ordinary thing, that last conversation, made precious by the fact that he would never get to talk to his brother again. So he holds onto what he can remember of Erik's voice on the other end of the phone, just as he hoards every other piece of him, like his blood and bones and every breath are a shrine.
Just as he's now trying to collect all the pieces of Kelson he can. At the question, Wilhelm takes in a shaky breath. He winds the hoodie string tighter around his fingers.
"He was king. He became king at a stupidly young age, he didn't even have a chance to really become a person first. And he...he cares about his people, I know he does. He wants to do a good job, but—"
His words buckle, and the full weight of his sadness crashes through.
"He shouldn't have to sacrifice his own happiness for that. He didn't think it mattered what he wanted, but it does. It fucking does."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 01:37 am (UTC)He knew that Kelson was a king because they spoke briefly on the network, and he told Jesper about it a little. He seemed like a nice enough sort although he couldn't get a full read on him. He encouraged him to befriend Nikolai and Kell. Jesper was asking in case Kelson was one of those tragic cases where he was dead back home, but it sounds like he wasn't, so that's a relief at least. That would be far worse. Although a part of him thinks that it's for the best Wilhelm didn't have 800 years of memories of Kelson on top of that to lose. At least this is one sharp tug, a few months rather than centuries.
Jesper moves closer to Wilhelm on the couch and goes ahead and puts an arm around him since he's clearly starting to unravel. He can pull away if he wants to, but Jesper has a hard time not offering physical comfort from someone who needs it. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Truly. Wherever he is now, he was lucky to have spent time with you, and I know he would say that."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-20 10:59 pm (UTC)"He should've had more time to figure out what he wanted. He should've had a choice."
His heart stings, knowing that Kelson would have chosen to return home. He made no secret of it. He had always wanted to go back to his kingdom, his duties, his royal cage. He found purpose in it, without which he felt unmoored. He didn't know who he was without his crown. And Wilhelm, he'd hoped to show Kelson that he could find purpose in this fresh start too. He wanted to be by Kelson's side while he learned who he could be outside of his mother's expectations.
Now, he's just gone.
"I couldn't help him," Wilhelm cries into his knees. "I couldn't help him. I couldn't make him happy."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-25 09:59 pm (UTC)It sounds like Kelson got what he wanted at heart, but that's not something helpful for Wilhelm to think about. It's better to focus on the what ifs because that is where the pain is and where the healing will eventually come from. Kelson might have created a life for himself here that he truly wanted and had time to experience it. That is possible. It's not what happened.
"You would have, love, in time you would have. You'd make anyone happy." They didn't have the time, which is cruel, but Jesper has no doubt that he's right. Wilhelm's love and support could change the life of a king. Jesper lifts his hand to caress through Wilhelm's sandy hair, as soothing as possible. "You gave him something beautiful while he was here." His heart, his body. Jesper knows if he was in Kelson's shoes, he would have been glad for that time, however short.
"I'm sorry, Wille, I'm truly sorry."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-28 10:11 pm (UTC)Time will dull the hurt too. He knows this, because he used to cry over Simon and flay himself on daydreams about could've beens, until one day he realized he hadn't really thought about Simon in a little while, and then the name came only with a ripple of sadness instead of a whole tidal wave. But Wilhelm doesn't want to be healed, he wants to be loved, and be in love.
He grabs onto Jesper's arm, keeping him there. You gave him something beautiful while he was here. He holds onto that, hopes it's true.
After a little while, Wilhelm smudges away what's left of his tears and jokes in a small, hollow voice, "How come this is the longest lasting relationship I've ever been in?"
It comes out more mournful than he meant.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-03 04:33 pm (UTC)"Because you've been here a long time and you've grown up a lot, you were more ready for that type of relationship." And it won't be your last, he almost says, but he knows that Wilhelm isn't in a place when he can think about a new future. Jesper's certain he will find that love eventually, Wilhelm was made to be loved. He doesn't know anyone currently who would fit the bill, but there's no hurry.
"I know you feel lonely, but you do have friends here, people who care about you. It might not be enough, but I hope it's at least something." Jesper knows he's not the only one that Wilhelm has. It would be unhealthy if he was. Knowing he's not alone is the key to getting through this.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-04 08:24 pm (UTC)It's not like he wishes he could actually fall in love with Jesper. He doesn't have hundreds of years to stamp out the jealousy that would inevitably scorch him. Love would just make a huge mess of everything.
He just wishes there could be someone else who stays for once.
"I know." He rubs Jesper's arm to let him know he's not taking him for granted. "I know. Thank you, Jes."
That's one thing that's different this time: he's not alone. When Simon told him he didn't want to be anybody's secret, Wilhelm was left with nobody he could talk to about what he was carrying. Soon after, he found himself in Thorne, where he knew nobody and knew what to do even less. He'd never felt more alone in his life.
It's nice, having someone to lean against now.