It wasn't up to me, but the fellow who handled it decided to go the peaceful route. I assumed the government would put it down after but they didn't. Some fool's selling tickets for people to go look at it, but they'll probably all be eaten.
[The eternal question with Kell, and the best indicator that something is off, is can he get any paler? The answer consistently being: yes, he can. Doubly so when he isn't getting enough sleep like he hasn't now . He must look especially palid, because even the barmaid asked him if he feels well.
Honestly, the break will be as good for him as it will be for Rhy who needs food, sleep and rest more than he does Kell hovering over him like an anxious cloud. The problem is that even waiting for Jesper, Kell can't stop fidgeting, turning a small stone in his fingers, alternating between crushing it into loose gravel and fusing them back into rock.
The moment he notices Jesper coming, all of sudden Kell looks more alive.]
Jesper! Over here!
Edited (just to add a nice little flourish at the end) Date: 2023-09-20 08:09 pm (UTC)
[ Jesper can tell even through messages when something is up with his friends. Call it an instinct, his natural ease with people gives him very good empathy. He checks on Inej who is doing better post-monsters and they've moved up to the top of the inn where Julie used to. Kell reaching out gives him a bit of a warning, and since he asked to meet here instead of in an inn, it's not to fuck until they pass out.
Yet at least.
It takes one singular look at Kell for Jesper to become concerned; he doesn't look well at all, even if he visibly brightens. Jesper frowns as he joins him and it's familiarity which always makes him bold with his lovers. He cups Kell's face, worry in gray eyes. ]
[Kell did get them a room in the inn, so fucking until they pass out is still in the cards. Honestly, it always is. It's surreal how horny Jesper makes him simply by existing in the same space. Kell could even think it funny if this wasn't about him. That's his weakness. Pretty people who make him go crazy about them.
It's one of the reasons he decided to meet outside and not inside the inn. He has some dignity left. He doesn't want to look needy. Which he is. The fact that he's even holding on is a small miracle on its own. He gets through on sheer grit and stubbornness, and almost no sleep at all. All that held by a dangerously fine thread. A thread that starts to break the moment Jesper touches him, when he looks at him with worry in his gorgeous gray eyes.
Kell looks back at him, eyes wide, startled by the gentleness he was not expecting, and for a moment Jesper can clearly see all the turmoil he brought with him here. At the root of it all: fear. Raw primal fear. Fear that he's too strong to be safely around. Fear that he's too weak to meaningfully help.
Then Kell looks away, eyes cast on the ground, the lines of his face falling into familiar scowl. He huffs.]
What isn't it?
[Kell exhales and looks back. His expression already softening, a ghost of a weak smile dancing on his lips. He lifts his hand to Jesper's cheek; traces the line of his jaw with his fingers. As if he needed confirmation that Jesper is real. That he's here, unharmed.]
Sorry, I just... I had to know, had to see for myself that you are alright. Almost everyone else is not. And I ... [missed you, terribly. He almost says it. Almost. Not this time, though. Kell sighs and smiles, a little more openly.] It's been a while, wasn't it? I hoped I see you on the Masquerade. I wanted to show you my costume. But you were busy. I didn't want to intrude.
[ Jesper has been at low points before, he knows what it's like, and how easy it is to keep falling lower and lower. There's a difference between doing it to yourself and the world doing it to you. He's always been his own worst enemy, but he's good for other people, and he can be good for Kell too. He can see something is very wrong. ]
I'm very dangerous, and I have the best luck of anyone I know. Outside of gambling. You don't have to worry about me.
[ He has terrible luck there, thus the problem, but he is trying to joke with Kell. Every time other people worry about him, he finds it sweet, but Jesper is a completely reckless madman. He always manages to survive like a supernatural cockroach. He came out of the many monster attacks he ran through without a single scratch on him. But he knows that most people aren't so lucky.
He's usually the one worrying about others because of his luck, so he does get it, and he's usually very gentle when someone else brings up their concern. Jesper doesn't live life safely, he throws himself head first into everything. Right then though he's a support system, putting an arm around Kell. ]
Come here.
[ Jesper pulls him into an embrace, knowing the power of a nice hug when things seem overwhelming. He simply holds him, running his fingers through his red hair soothingly, kissing the side of his head. ]
No, you're never an intrusion. And you know Mat, he wouldn't have minded.
[ Jesper assumes that Kell is referring to the fact he and Mat spent most of the visit in each other's pockets. Every time they have an opportunity to spend time together they do, and in that case they actually got to sleep together for the whole time. But it doesn't mean Jesper is off the table for anyone else who needed him. If anything Mat is the most understanding person alive on the matter. ]
[There's so much earnest, unquestionable confidence in those words, with a tiny drop of self-deprecation, that makes Kell smile regardless of his dark mood.]
Well, that's all on you. You've made me care enough to worry.
[Kell had only one person he ever cared about. It's harder now. Not only he care for so many more people, but he wasn't able to protect even this one person. It already hit him when Kyle landed in infirmary. Kyle of all people. Last person, but Lucifer, that he'd expect to get seriously hurt ever. Then he and Rhy got pretty singed while trying to contain Linhardt. And this wasn't the worst. When Rhy got truly hurt, Kell wasn't even there to protect him. So yes, there's a lot very, very wrong with him. He might have fallen a beast, but he still feels that he failed where it meant the most.
It wouldn't be so surprising then that he leans into comfort that Jesper offers. It wouldn't ... if he wasn't himself. Kell knows value of a good hug. He knows how to comfort someone hurting. He just never expected it for himself. He bristles, scowls and huffs at attempts at touch. Spiky like some wild animal.
Not with Jesper. Jesper sails effortlessly through all of his defenses from the day they met. From the moment he laid his eyes on Kell, and decided he likes him. Somehow he finds the right words, the right touch, the right moment to smile, that Kell doesn't have a chance to protest. Doesn't even think to. He just melts into it.]
I know. That's why I didn't bother you then. You don't have all that many chances for uninterrupted time together.
[For someone called selfish and spoiled, Kell can be awfully considerate. Besides, it brings memories not only what he didn't get to do at the Fey ball, but what he actually did. Kell bites his lower lips, feeling the heat coloring his cheeks. Not only for the memories. No, it's the present company that never fails to raise his pulse.]
You are. [Those two words seamlessly flow into a low purr.] I have only one complaint. [Kell lifts his hand, with a smile that's mostly hunger in his eyes, he traces fingers down Jesper's jaw, the side of his neck, to hook them for a second on the collar of his shirt before he finally rests his hand against Jesper's chest. Both the blue and the black eyes fixed on him.] You have way too many clothes on you.
Next time, you talk to me. Forget our uninterrupted time. Caring about our friends is a top priority.
[ Jesper is firm on this. He is usually very easy-going but sometimes he wants to make a point clear, and he does now, squeezing Kell in a hug. Mat is like him, he knows that much. They wouldn't have minded someone hanging out with them, they're not completely absorbed in each other. They'll have other chances, biding their time until he can take Mat from Thorne and he'll choose to leave. Someday.
Jesper smiles at him, always liking when he gets forward, and he drops his hands to Kell's hips, comfortably. ]
Let's get a room. But Kell, we're going to talk first. You're going to tell me what's going on, and then we can fuck until we pass out. I'm not only interested in your dick.
[ While sex for them is fantastic and consuming and Jesper has every intention of stripping them naked and enjoying it, Kell asked him to meet him there because something serious is going on. And Jesper isn't a walking sex toy, he's a person who loves his friends and as he just said, it takes priority. Kell's mental wellness matters. He looks pale and messed up. Sex will always be there. He kisses him gently, message given, and then tugs him to get a room.
Jesper has the money to do that. The Crows pool their funds together and they're doing decently money-wise, especially compared to most. They probably won't ever be rich, not the rich they prefer, but they live well and can do things like get rooms in Nocwich. Jesper keeps his hand in Kell's as they get it all worked out and once they have the privacy of the room, he shrugs out of his jacket. ]
[The declaration, in its absolute unambiguity, catches Kell completely by surprise. Its force and finality leaving him speechless. No one, ever, has told him he matters so much. That he's priority. Kell has always assumed no one ever will. He is the one making grand declarations to people not the other way round.
Only it makes him feel more rotten. It is deeply unfair of him to run away from any conversation after making a whole scene about his worry. Kell knows he looks like death warmed up. He's been skipping sleep, rest, meals, anything that made him stop and risk his rising panic will catch up with him. Sex, no matter how awesome it always is with Jesper, would have been just another way for him to avoid it. And Jesper is right, he deserves to know what all this fuss is about now that Kell has dragged him into it.
Kell hates it that Jesper must have noticed, it's impossible not to, how he flinched, tensed, and hesitated before entering the dark room Jesper rented for them. Before the lights went on. It's a second, and it passes, but the very fact that it happened at all is a sign of a deeper problem. He hoped he got over it. Apparently, he did not.
Once they're in, he sinks onto the bed. Deflated. Defeated.]
I can't do this anymore, Jesper. I just can't. It's one thing after another, after another, after another. The first moment I think I've got shit together, there's another one coming, and I'm back to barely holding it up. One moment I think I'm doing fine, and the next it turns out I've been failing the whole time, I just didn't know it yet.
I'm so tired and ... [Kell stares down at his hands, hates himself more seeing they are shaking.] scared that one day, at some point, they are going to get hurt again, and I won't be there to protect them. Or worse. I will be there, but whatever I'll do still won't be enough. It's like throwing sticks at an avalanche.
[It's a garbled mess of an explanation with no rhyme or reason. Cryptic at best. But the floodgates has been opened and Kell has to spit the worst of it out before he can shape this torrent into something more coherent.]
[ Jesper is observant so he's paying close attention to Kell, and he sees all the markers of something going wrong. Multiple things being wrong. He is an excellent listener so he's not concerned about getting to the bottom of it, it's more a matter of getting them out of public so Kell doesn't have to try and pretend. He can try to pretend in private, but it won't work, and Jesper would call him out on it anyway.
He doesn't sit next to Kell, he pulls up one of the chairs there so he can sit across from him instead, so he can look at his face while he talks more clearly. Jesper scoots it in very close though, so it's easy for him to reach out and run fingers through Kell's hair, just be there for him, so he knows he can lean in and get comfort if he needs to.
Kell sounds a lot like Jesper himself there for a moment, only with the protection part. He's the protector himself, and when almost everyone he loved was captured, he went a little crazy. He takes one of Kell's shaking hands and holds it. ]
This is something I've had to accept myself, love, that the reality is we can't protect everyone we love at all times. It's impossible. All we can do is the best we can in the moment. Which isn't enough, I know, but it has to be something.
[ Jesper does understand where this is all coming from. If it's not specifically the aftermath of the kidnapping, they've had plenty of problems since. Abraxas is the example of when it rains, it pours, and they're all mostly forced to keep accepting what is happening to them. ]
I think you just never let yourself deal with the Pit, Kell. Knowing you, you were probably worried about everyone else but yourself, and you can't help other people if you don't help yourself.
[There's little than Kell needs more now than physical presence of another person. A listening, understanding, loving person. All that Jesper is and more. Getting it when he doesn't even know how to ask and what for. Is it this? Or was he at the breaking point already? Doesn't really matter. Jesper's words, wise and supportive as they are, crack a dam and the next moment Kell is all shaking. Trying to hold back the ugly sobs, and failing.]
But I should be! That's why I trained my whole life!
This is what he was supposed to be! The reason they even brought me in! A weapon for the crown yes, but a shield first! If I can't protect him what is the reason for my existence?! If I can't do this what am I even for ?!!
[Kell slaps a hand over his mouth seconds after he shouts his protests. Fuck. Two years, and the poison is still deep in his mind. A weapon. A shield. Blessed. Cursed. Inhuman. A thing.
He'd be pissed if he had any energy left to be angry. He doesn't. He leans into Jesper's touch. This is not what he came here for.]
I'm sorry. I . . . shouldn't be dragging you into this. I come here to see you. I needed to know that you weren't hurt. I just... I kept thinking that I couldn't stand if you got hurt badly, I know that I don't have much right to it. We don't know each other all that well, but I want to. I want to know you better. I think I ...
[I think I love you. It would have been so easy to say, but Kell stops himself midsentence. He doesn't want to break what they already have. He's already too intense for most people when he finally lets them to see him. He knows it now. It burns like a furnace in his heart. He wants - no, needs to - Jesper to see him.]
Deal with? [Kell blinks. He looks up at Jesper as if he suddenly started speaking Farosian. The Pit is past, and good riddance. He doesn't want to think about it ever again. What's more there to deal with?] Like how?
Edited (change the directionr where i want Kell to be going with this) Date: 2023-10-16 12:01 am (UTC)
Oh sweetheart. [ He shakes his head. ] You are so much more than a shield or a weapon.
[ Jesper reaches up to cup Kell's face in his hands, gray eyes staring deeply into his mismatched eyes. ]
Listen to me, whoever made you think that's all you're good for, fuck them. You belong to yourself. Even when you also belong to other people, you belong to yourself. Your existence doesn't hinge on someone else.
[ Jesper isn't a selfish person, he isn't saying it from an egotistical 'only I matter' way. But he does believe that people need to be at home in their own skin before they can do a thing for others. He's learning that himself, when he struggles to accept parts of himself that he hates, but he knows that he has to keep going. There's no stopping point that's acceptable. He's always very confident in himself and that is a necessity; to be who he is, you need that.
Jesper belongs to other people. His lovers, his crew, his family (found and real), he's always been a communal kind of guy. He cares about the whole. But if he has to live at home in himself, he can do that. He might not always like what he sees in the mirror but it's still him. ]
Baby, come on, stop that. [ Jesper kisses him gently, and then his cheeks and his forehead, sweet and soft and soothing. ] You have a right. You're my lover, my friend, my sweet Kell. You didn't drag me into anything, I came willingly.
[ He'd really like to punch Kell's tormenters straight in the face, whoever it was that convinced him he didn't deserve any good things in life. Jesper is aware that he's talking about Rhy, about his existence as his protector, he knows that much, but he also knows enough about Rhy to suspect that isn't how he sees Kell either. But neither of them can force Kell to see himself as clearly as others do. ]
You were traumatized, same as everyone down there.
[Kell lets off a sharp, joyless laugh. More a bark than a laugh really.]
That would be my parents, or rather Rhy's parents. Not him, though. Never him. [He huffs, the tension in his face easing into a weak smile.] He'd kick me for saying what I just did.
[And he will be so disappointed. Kell ended becoming what he was supposed to be not because their parents made him. It only happened because Rhy treated him differently. He thought them every step of the way. Kell learned to fight it too. Sometimes too much and in stupid ways. It stings that after all this time, it's their words and their expectations he defaults to under stress.
Kell feels beyond lucky that now he has Jesper to call him out on this too. Keep him in check, but also kiss him, call him baby and sweet. So kind and gentle. It's almost painful how good it feels to be treated like that. Like something precious, worthy of protection and care. Kell had never dared to expect that anyone else other than Rhy will ever see him this way. He told himself he was fine with the future when no one ever did.
Then came Jesper Fahey to utterly shatter his limited worldview. With his willingness to accept everything about Kell, even the things Kell did not accept about himself. Show him things he didn't know about himself. And now this.
Kell smiles. It's like weight has dropped from his chest, like he was drowning, but can Jesper has dragged him up to the surface and he can breath again. ]
I bet your other lovers tell you this all the time, but you are a treasure, Jesper Fahey. [He leans in kissing Jesper back, eyes closed, lips parted in wordless invitation. Both the blue and the black eyes fixed on Jesper when he finally pulls away.] I have no idea what I did to deserve you, but I feel stupidly lucky that I do. I mean it. Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me here.
And you're right, I thought I was fine, but I guess I'm still a bit broken after it.
[ Jesper pauses and considers before continuing. He usually is someone who can be a support system for others without sharing much of himself. A cipher that way, and it's not because he's hiding anything, it's just due to an instinct to put others first. He's got a good head on his shoulders and some unwavering confidence and he surrounds himself with people who could use someone like him driving them forward. But this is fair enough, for him to share where this understanding comes from. ]
My dad is a good man but he never really saw me. He forced me to hide who I was, made me feel like it was something to be afraid and ashamed of, and doing so made me sick. Grisha get sick if they don't use their abilities, usually visibly they are, but for me, it's in my mind. Addiction, adrenaline seeking, impulsivity. My skin always feels like it's crawling and I can't sit still, even when I use my powers more like now. And I always fall back into it when I'm stressed or struggling.
[ Like a warm tight glove that feels right to wrap himself in whenever he's in a bad place. And it always is followed up by Jesper feeling ashamed and messed up, and hating himself when he usually doesn't. It's when those bad things in his brain win him, overpower his sense. It's a pattern though, started for him long ago. He's no stranger to parents that fuck you up, even if he did know his father loved him. ]
When he found out what I became, that I was a criminal, he was so angry and disappointed in me. All the love that I felt for myself, my genuine happiness at being a Crow, it was gone in a second.
[ There is something to be said for the disappointment of a parent being damned terrible. He loved his father, perhaps put him on a pedestal. He lied to him out of fear of rejection and that's exactly what happened to him. Rejection. Jesper still feels that pain now, because they made some peace, sure, but it doesn't change that Colm isn't happy with what he does. He was glad that he and Wylan did their own thing, but he would never accept Jesper being a Crow, not truly. ]
What I'm saying is everyone struggles with loving themselves, whether from internal or external conflict. But the people who love you as you are can't fix how you see yourself. Only you can do that.
[ Jesper had the love of the other Crows and Wylan tried to help him, but he had to help himself. Just as he can tell Kell all he wants to ignore Rhy's parents, but he can't solve it for Kell. But maybe it'll help to know that even someone as confident and positive as Jesper struggles with issues of self-worth. It's not something he shares widely so Kell is now being pulled into a confidante situation. Jesper trusts him. ]
What you did to deserve me was by being you, sweetheart. You don't have to convince me of your worth as a friend and lover.
[Aren't they similar in some ways? Ways Kell would never expect from anyone, least of all Jesper. The skin crawling thing. The people looking, but not seeing thing. How can you be so different and yet so similar. He understands now why they can do unspeakably terrible things to each other, and why it feels so good. For him it's burning of this restless energy that threatens to incinerate him from the inside, channeling it into something focused, something useful. Not just cruelty for cruelty's sake.]
It's awful. Your dad. He should have protected the real you, not the idea of you he had in his head.
[Kell is not half as eloquent as Jesper is, but he too felt so strongly the pain of rejection of who he really was. Half of the stupid things he did was in retaliation to Maxim not treating him like a son he was supposed to be to him. To Tieren for lying to him for his first years of his life in the palace that he was a prince, and their son. His own choices never being good enough to even be acknowledged.]
I think [Kell hesitates, but pushes through. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he's spoiled princeling just like Lila had said. He wouldn't know until says it.] I think I know what you mean when you say your skin crawls. That you cannot sit still.
I get this too. Antari magic is like a waterfall. Like this living maelstrom inside me. Like it has a will of its own. It wants to create, to change, to transform. If I can't, it builds and builds, eating away at me until I do something with it. But if I use it, it only wants more. It's like trying to tame a hurricane. I had to learn to control it, it took years, and still sometimes I slip...
[Kell bites his lower lip. He knows he's rambling, but there is a point he's trying to make. That's why the Pit messed him up so much that he hasn't yet recovered.]
What I'm trying to say is, I know no one can fix me. [A rare moment of self-reflection on his part.] Even if sometimes I wish someone could. But you're saying you'll have me anyway, and I ... I think you're absolutely perfect as you are.
He fell apart when my mother died. They had the kind of love that I don't actually want, where you can't exist without each other. It's a romantic idea but an unhealthy one.
[ That's not how Jesper himself looks at love, as anyone can tell when they see the relationships they do have. And what Kell has with him, he knows first-hand what Jesper's love can be. Supportive. Kind. Playful. He can live without his loved ones but he doesn't want to. It's not usually them that breaks him, it's his own mind, his own sickness. ]
She died using our powers, so he was afraid of what would happen to me. In a lot of ways I raised myself. He was just trying to exist without her. We're doing better now that we're more honest with each other.
[ Jesper isn't making excuses for him, he's in a more realistic place about his feelings regarding his father. Colm is flawed and for a long time Jesper couldn't see that, he blamed everything on himself, not his father. But if there is anyone who can have compassion for flawed people, it's him, and once he saw his father that way, they were able to talk for real. They're closer than they've ever been now. Or they were, before he came here. The funny thing is that his father would be a whole lot more proud of how he is here. No crime. Helping out people. Making money as a merchant. Alas.]
It's not even about being fixed, Kell, because I'm not sure we're broken, we're just what the world's made of us. But it doesn't matter, because we're doing our best to make a life here, and that has to be enough.
[ It has to be enough because there's no other choice. This is where they are and what they're doing. Jesper's found peace in that. He misses his life before but it's been pretty easy to settle here. He's adaptable. He thinks Kaz is starting to get used to this too, he was the hardest to get there. Inej has her faith to guide him, and Jesper has his loving heart. ]
Saints, I am not perfect, believe me. I wouldn't like myself if I was, perfect would be so boring. If you mean I'm perfectly flawed, I'd agree with that.
[ He takes Kell's hand and kisses it sweetly. ]
Does Rhy know how you're feeling with all of this?
[Unhealthy. What was ever either of Kell's whole two romantic relations up to this point other than unhealthy? He's never gone anything less than full in. With jealous, desperate, obsessive need. He knows how it feels to be unable to live without the other person. To be willing to die for them. This what love was always for him. A suffocating, all-devouring firestorm.
What he feels for Jesper is anything but that. Because he feels things for him. It's not only desire anymore. He's just too afraid to name them. As if putting a word on it would break the spell, and he likes what they have too much. It feels good, and safe, and ... happy. Unlike anything before.
But it doesn't mean he agree when Jesper says they are not broken. He might not be, but Kell knows he is.]
If I'm not broken than why can't I go out on my own when it's dark outside again? I thought I was fine. It's kind of annoying to come to Nocwich when I'm like that. [He sighs. Jesper can't know. He didn't see him right after the Pit.] After the kidnappings, when we were back, and they finally let me out of infirmary. [After his close encounter with an avalanche, Kell was one of the last out.] I found that if it was night, and the street was completely empty, I would just freeze. There was nothing there, but I couldn't move. I had to call Kyle or Rhy to walk me back from the teashop to the castle.
I got better with time. I thought it went away. That it was gone.
But then the rifts started appearing, then the beasts, then Kyle landed in the infirmary, Rhy got hurt, and next thing I know I stand at the door, it's dark outside, not a soul on the street, and I feel it again. The same fucking dread. And I cannot move. What is that other than broken?
[Kell shrugs. He had no one to call that time, so eventually, he got out and walked all way to the castle feeling he'd die every step of the way. But he did it. And never said a word to Rhy. Last thing he wanted was for him to worry when he was supposed to rest and heal. Somehow, Rhy knew anyway.]
I think so? We don't really talk about such things a lot, but he was always able to read right through me. [For many, very complicated and equally as many very simple reasons. Now he just shivers.] He would have known for sure back home, and most likely be pretty annoyed at me too. We had a bond back there. Here, we don't. Singularity stole it from me. [Why he did nothing to get it back is a whole deal on its own.]
Rhy doesn't like it here. [An understatement of a century. It's not only being ripped away from your home, your life and your family. Some of it is Kell's fault too.] I'm the one better off, not him.
[ Jesper listens to him talk about the darkness and about the aftermath of the Pit, and he's not the first person to express this kind of struggle. Kaz and Inej hate talking about it, but they have, and he thinks if he hears anything more specific at this point, he'd just go kill all of the imprisoned acolytes. He wants to every day, sometimes he lets himself daydream about their deaths, quick or slow, and knows he can't actually do it. Not now, at least. But he's tempted, and he's tempted again, listening to Kell.
They deserve to die, especially for the fact that months later Kell's still afraid of the dark. For a moment Jesper's eyes are very dark, not their usual light silver, as he contemplates the amount of blood he'd like to spill, but he focuses instead on what he can actually do. Which is be there for Kell. ]
You're not broken, you're a survivor of something terrible, and you survived because you're strong. You were traumatized, love, but you can heal, you just need to give yourself more time. It doesn't go away all at once.
[ Jesper knows it's frustrating. He hopes that going back to the island, if they're allowed to, will provide people with some closure. It's the only thing he can think of outside of time, and no one wants to be that patient here. He's still cringing from the heralds last year. ]
I think you should talk about it more. You can always talk to me, but I think he'd want to be there for you too, given the chance. Relationships need to go both ways.
[ Technically they displayed that just in the past few minutes. Jesper sharing some of his past, Kell sharing his feelings, this is a back and forth that is of the healthy variety. It's not that Jesper thinks Rhy is avoiding topics, he just doesn't necessarily have the full picture, and he's a good man, he should. ]
Well sure, he's a prince there, yeah? Gotta be better than being a captive in an alien world. Doesn't mean he wants you to keep your feelings locked up from him because you feel differently.
Thanks, Jesper. That's probably better way of looking at it. I just ... [Kell shrugs. He doesn't have good words to describe the maddening mix of frustration, anger and fear that flood his brain in those moments. The way it makes his heart race and chest tighten even thinking about it.] I hate being so limited. I hate feeling so, well, weak. [He's an Antari. Nothing like that should have ever happened to him. And yet it did.]
We're not really good at talking. I mean, especially me. Well, actually, mostly me. Rhy is very good at talking. To the point that I don't always know when he's serious or just teasing. But it's also...yeah, getting me to talk usually requires criminal amount of alcohol. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth.
[That's part of their problem. They know each other for so long and so well, it sometimes slides into expecting that the other would know without asking. Because they so often do. Kell, for his part, hates talking about problems. His usual tactic is to run away, wait them out in hope they will resolve themselves. Definitely not talk.]
Yeah, he wouldn't. He hates it when I keep things from him, and I don't want to, but ... [Kell sighs. A long, tired exhale of someone know he's doing wrong, but can't do right for too many reasons, all of them too complicated. Where in fact, it's actually simple. It's just him making things more complicated then they should be.] I still do. I just, I don't know, I ... I have no idea how to talk about some things. It's a lot. Too much. I don't want to. Like the Pit. I just want to forget about the whole thing, but it fucking keeps coming back all the time. Like as if it won't ever leave me alone. All I want is to forget, and at least pretend I'm like I was before it. Even if I know that I'm not. I just want it to go away.
[Kell never told anyone the whole story. Not even Rhy. Though Rhy got the most. In pieces, across weeks, still not all. Kell shakes his head.]
[ Jesper is gently teasing him because of course he knows that about him. It took Kell a while to be willing to talk to him about the sex they were actively having, it's clear he struggles with communication. But Jesper is fantastic at communication in comparison and so is Rhy, they have that in common. But Rhy and Kell have so many of their own issues baked in that it's probably easier for Kell to talk to an outsider.
He runs his fingers through Kell's hair and kisses his cheek so he knows he's playing around. The last thing he wants is to make him clam up around Jesper too. ]
Sweetheart, that didn't even happen that long ago. It's going to take longer than a few months for all of you to get past this, and you lot need to give yourselves a break over it.
[ Inej and Kaz are the same way, and most people he knows who went to the Pit struggle with this. He understands it's because they want it to be over with, which is what Kell's saying, but unfortunately that's not how it all works. ]
Maybe you all need a support group. Talk about what happened to people who actually know. What we went through on the outside was something too, but it's not the same thing. You don't think everyone else is weak because they're struggling, do you? I know you don't, because I know you.
[ Jesper is doing all kinds of physically soothing things as they talk. Touches, letting Kell know he's there, and he picks up his hand to kiss it now, just trying to be there for him in all the ways he can. As comforting as possible. He went through some shit on the outside, like the others, but he doesn't talk about that with anyone. So he's somewhat a hypocrite, it's just a different situation. ]
You are harder on yourself than anyone should be. You aren't weak, and having feelings doesn't make you weak, and needing to talk about your feelings doesn't make you weak. Whatever shit people have told you otherwise is just that, shit.
That's right. My eloquence knows no bounds. Obviously.
[Sarcasm is better than his previous agitated brooding, but Kell is still far from fine. He leans forward, rests his forehead on Jesper's shoulder, eyes closed, and for a long moment he just breathes. Soaking in Jesper's warmth and closeness.]
It's a lot, but that's my problem. I don't want to dump it on anyone. Not Rhy, not you. To add my weight to problems that other people already have. I don't want to burden people I love. [He sighs, frustration mixed with sheer, plain exhaustion.] But it's too much. I'm not used to breaking under pressure, but now? Everything seems to be happening non-stop and I can't catch a break. I don't know if talking will help. I surely don't want to. I feel too tired to talk. All I can think of is how I just want a moment of peace, so can catch my damned breath.
[That might be it. Yes, a lot is happening, but it's on him too. His frantic running around, filling every waking minute with activity, stopping only to eat and barely sleep? Running away from bad memories yes, but also not giving himself a chance to properly rest.]
Kell, listen to me. When you love someone, you want to share their burdens. You talking about it with me is a gift, it means you trust me, and that you're letting me be here for you. That's what I want, it makes me happy.
[ Jesper is a champion at the two-way street. Whether it's in friendship or in bed, he never takes something he can't give too. While it is harder for him to share his own struggles, he's so much more comfortable being the support system, he has done better about it. And he does think that if he needed to, he could tell Kell. He trusts him too. ]
Okay, come here, let's lie down together.
[ Jesper tugs Kell gently and kicks off his shoes, moving onto the bed and not in a 'come hither' way, in the more comfortable way one might with a long-term partner or when alone. He has shed his coat and vest to be more comfortable too, so he's dressed down, casual. He pats the bed next to him in a continued request for Kell to join him.
The two of them have sex so frequently that they haven't had a lot of time to simply settle into each other's company, and that's what he wants, which is why he isn't being suggestive or flirtatious. Yes he could distract and comfort Kell with his body, but he's trying it the other way for now. He makes room for Kell to lie down next to him if he takes the invitation. ]
How about I'll share something with you from the outside that fucked me up? That way you aren't the only one.
[ That isn't easy. He is trying. It's why Jesper looks at the ceiling and not at him at first, and he has to take a pause while he decides what he wants to say. ]
I went berserk. There's no better word for it. I've always tried to injure people rather than kill, if possible, but I was not holding back. I tortured people, I killed them, and I enjoyed it. And that's ... not normal for me.
[ Jesper usually gives himself some leeway with the reality that he's a killer. A damned good one at that. He will and does kill, but considering he has gone for the wound instead of the kill, it means he can control himself, that he's not as dark and violent as the people in the Barrel who can't come back. ]
I wanted - I still want - to kill every one of them. If I could get to them in the prison, I think I would've already done it.
[Jesper doesn't have to ask him twice. Kell sheds his coat and kicks off his shoes to join him on the bed. He snuggles as close as he possibly can. Him seeking comfort from the other person is not even rare. It practically never happens. That it does with Jesper is evidence to how far they have gone together, and how much Jesper in all that he says and does affects Kell. Unusual, amazing, impossible, challenging, but always, always in a good way. Makes him think, makes him see things differently.]
I never thought about it this way.
[He admits readily, because this is Jesper, and just as he said, he trusts Jesper. It feels like a privilege when Jesper shares some of his horror with him. It's only then that Kell understands what he said first.
Kell reaches for Jesper's hand, intertwines their fingers. He knows, he understands the black, burning poison of just wanting to erase someone from the face of the world. He killed people in the past. Not in anger, no, this would be too much like him. He did it cold and methodical. Slowly planning and executing his vengeance. Made them feel they were dying. Bone magic makes up for an awfully painful way to die.]
It's awful. It's fucked up. I know that's not you, but I understand it.
[Kell has no illusions what his training was all for. What he was expected to do in case Rhy was in danger. But this is different. It's the rage that does not go away even if after the danger did.]
So do I. I'm not proud of it. Not at all. It just is what it is.
[Thing is, they're both killers. Kell led sheltered life so he didn't have to fight for survival. Lila called him spoiled princeling, and she was right, but he has an edge to him that Rhy doesn't.
He was against leaving any acolytes alive. Even those that surrendered. He obliterated the pair that got on their trail when they were fleeing through the mountains. Call it self-defense, and it even was, but his use of force was so excessive that he shocked Dante who was there with him.]
Edited (i guess i must surrender to always having to edit ...) Date: 2023-11-21 12:36 pm (UTC)
[ Jesper is happy to cuddle so he moves onto his side to face Kell and loops an arm around him, curling in close to him. He lets him take his hand but it's clear that even the confession disturbs him. Some of his cheerful walls are coming down and he sighs, running his thumb along Kell's knuckles. ]
I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.
If I was on the outside, with Wilhelm and Mat and Istredd in? I probably would have done the same. I would have done everything to get them back. And I mean everything.
[They both have sides to themselves that are pretty scary. Kell doesn't know what to think about that he's more fine with himself being monstrous that he is with feeling weak. As if some of the cold steel of White London seeped into his blood through all those visits over the years, and stayed there. But he knows what he sees, because he recognizes it in himself.]
That's desperation. You were desperate. In desperation, we can do unthinkable. [He knows he did. The black, spidery lines of the magic seal on his chest are evidence of it.] But you came back.
[There's determination in Kell's voice to get his message across. Not only for Jesper. He is saying it to him, yes, but he's also saying it for himself as much. He needs to believe that no matter how far he'd go off the rails, he'll be able to come back. For Rhy. For Istredd, for Jesper, and Mat, and Kyle... he has so many people here to come back to.]
You came back for them.
[Kell closes his eyes, he kisses Jesper, whispering against his lips.]
You came back for me. I think that's pretty awesome.
[Saints, it must be love. What else can it be? They're telling each other things that would have scared away most people, but Kell sees this as dedication. Something he has too. Something that can, and did, make him do horrible things. And instead of being repulsed, it makes him attracted to Jesper more. Their shadows match, and it's terrifying, and beautiful, and powerful. But Kell is not attracted to Jesper's shadow, but to that even having it, Jesper is still Jesper. The shadow is part of him, but not all about him. He can shake it off. Break away from its influence. His light shines stronger for it, and to Kell that's irresistible.]
I don't know if there was a line I wouldn't cross to get all of you back. I crossed all the ones that were in front of me.
[ So he didn't know what was left after that. More killing? More torture? He was already in that state of mind. Jesper was willing to kill even after he promised he wouldn't, after they told that bandit mother they'd set her son free if she told them everything. He was ready to kill her and him, without a second thought, without a blink of an eye. It was only Nadine's insistence that stopped him, and he still looked to Dean, knowing if he told him to do it, he would regardless. There was no moral high ground left for him. ]
I was desperate. We were close to a collective meltdown. I don't know what would have happened if we were too late.
[ Jesper doesn't think he could come back from it. He would either break or stop feeling at all. Become a shell of a person. They were so close to losing them. He knows that the people in the Pit went through a lot, but so did people on the outside. The constant state of helplessness and fear went both ways. Almost all of his lovers were taken, he was unstable to say the least.
This is Jesper and so is his usual smiling relaxed self. He lives to pretend to be shallow, but he's anything but. He's fine letting Kell see that now. He keeps his truest self under the mask of cheerful indifference and he looks at Kell, cupping his cheek affectionately. His pretty redhead, all soft skin and darkness underneath. He shakes his head, leaning over him, kissing him gently. ]
I'm not perfect, and I wouldn't want to be. I'm very flawed, Kell. And I'm okay with you knowing that.
[ Which is a sign of real intimacy. Letting them see each other without any masks. Jesper is touching him with sincere affection, not their wild state of sexual need. It is all very sweet and he's glad for it. He thinks Kell is very sweet, underneath his intensity, and he didn't know he was until Jesper, in many ways. He looks into Kell's mismatched eyes and smiles. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
YEAH go ahead
Date: 2023-09-20 12:51 pm (UTC)I'll see you there, love.
Nocwich it is
Date: 2023-09-20 03:11 pm (UTC)Honestly, the break will be as good for him as it will be for Rhy who needs food, sleep and rest more than he does Kell hovering over him like an anxious cloud. The problem is that even waiting for Jesper, Kell can't stop fidgeting, turning a small stone in his fingers, alternating between crushing it into loose gravel and fusing them back into rock.
The moment he notices Jesper coming, all of sudden Kell looks more alive.]
Jesper! Over here!
I have RETURNED
Date: 2023-09-29 11:27 pm (UTC)Yet at least.
It takes one singular look at Kell for Jesper to become concerned; he doesn't look well at all, even if he visibly brightens. Jesper frowns as he joins him and it's familiarity which always makes him bold with his lovers. He cups Kell's face, worry in gray eyes. ]
Kell, sweetheart, what in the world is going on?
Welcome home!
Date: 2023-09-30 03:58 pm (UTC)It's one of the reasons he decided to meet outside and not inside the inn. He has some dignity left. He doesn't want to look needy. Which he is. The fact that he's even holding on is a small miracle on its own. He gets through on sheer grit and stubbornness, and almost no sleep at all. All that held by a dangerously fine thread. A thread that starts to break the moment Jesper touches him, when he looks at him with worry in his gorgeous gray eyes.
Kell looks back at him, eyes wide, startled by the gentleness he was not expecting, and for a moment Jesper can clearly see all the turmoil he brought with him here. At the root of it all: fear. Raw primal fear. Fear that he's too strong to be safely around. Fear that he's too weak to meaningfully help.
Then Kell looks away, eyes cast on the ground, the lines of his face falling into familiar scowl. He huffs.]
What isn't it?
[Kell exhales and looks back. His expression already softening, a ghost of a weak smile dancing on his lips. He lifts his hand to Jesper's cheek; traces the line of his jaw with his fingers. As if he needed confirmation that Jesper is real. That he's here, unharmed.]
Sorry, I just... I had to know, had to see for myself that you are alright. Almost everyone else is not. And I ... [missed you, terribly. He almost says it. Almost. Not this time, though. Kell sighs and smiles, a little more openly.] It's been a while, wasn't it? I hoped I see you on the Masquerade. I wanted to show you my costume. But you were busy. I didn't want to intrude.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-02 12:38 am (UTC)I'm very dangerous, and I have the best luck of anyone I know. Outside of gambling. You don't have to worry about me.
[ He has terrible luck there, thus the problem, but he is trying to joke with Kell. Every time other people worry about him, he finds it sweet, but Jesper is a completely reckless madman. He always manages to survive like a supernatural cockroach. He came out of the many monster attacks he ran through without a single scratch on him. But he knows that most people aren't so lucky.
He's usually the one worrying about others because of his luck, so he does get it, and he's usually very gentle when someone else brings up their concern. Jesper doesn't live life safely, he throws himself head first into everything. Right then though he's a support system, putting an arm around Kell. ]
Come here.
[ Jesper pulls him into an embrace, knowing the power of a nice hug when things seem overwhelming. He simply holds him, running his fingers through his red hair soothingly, kissing the side of his head. ]
No, you're never an intrusion. And you know Mat, he wouldn't have minded.
[ Jesper assumes that Kell is referring to the fact he and Mat spent most of the visit in each other's pockets. Every time they have an opportunity to spend time together they do, and in that case they actually got to sleep together for the whole time. But it doesn't mean Jesper is off the table for anyone else who needed him. If anything Mat is the most understanding person alive on the matter. ]
My sweet Kell. I'm here now.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-06 06:37 pm (UTC)Well, that's all on you. You've made me care enough to worry.
[Kell had only one person he ever cared about. It's harder now. Not only he care for so many more people, but he wasn't able to protect even this one person. It already hit him when Kyle landed in infirmary. Kyle of all people. Last person, but Lucifer, that he'd expect to get seriously hurt ever. Then he and Rhy got pretty singed while trying to contain Linhardt. And this wasn't the worst. When Rhy got truly hurt, Kell wasn't even there to protect him. So yes, there's a lot very, very wrong with him. He might have fallen a beast, but he still feels that he failed where it meant the most.
It wouldn't be so surprising then that he leans into comfort that Jesper offers. It wouldn't ... if he wasn't himself. Kell knows value of a good hug. He knows how to comfort someone hurting. He just never expected it for himself. He bristles, scowls and huffs at attempts at touch. Spiky like some wild animal.
Not with Jesper. Jesper sails effortlessly through all of his defenses from the day they met. From the moment he laid his eyes on Kell, and decided he likes him. Somehow he finds the right words, the right touch, the right moment to smile, that Kell doesn't have a chance to protest. Doesn't even think to. He just melts into it.]
I know. That's why I didn't bother you then. You don't have all that many chances for uninterrupted time together.
[For someone called selfish and spoiled, Kell can be awfully considerate. Besides, it brings memories not only what he didn't get to do at the Fey ball, but what he actually did. Kell bites his lower lips, feeling the heat coloring his cheeks. Not only for the memories. No, it's the present company that never fails to raise his pulse.]
You are. [Those two words seamlessly flow into a low purr.] I have only one complaint. [Kell lifts his hand, with a smile that's mostly hunger in his eyes, he traces fingers down Jesper's jaw, the side of his neck, to hook them for a second on the collar of his shirt before he finally rests his hand against Jesper's chest. Both the blue and the black eyes fixed on him.] You have way too many clothes on you.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-08 06:38 pm (UTC)[ Jesper is firm on this. He is usually very easy-going but sometimes he wants to make a point clear, and he does now, squeezing Kell in a hug. Mat is like him, he knows that much. They wouldn't have minded someone hanging out with them, they're not completely absorbed in each other. They'll have other chances, biding their time until he can take Mat from Thorne and he'll choose to leave. Someday.
Jesper smiles at him, always liking when he gets forward, and he drops his hands to Kell's hips, comfortably. ]
Let's get a room. But Kell, we're going to talk first. You're going to tell me what's going on, and then we can fuck until we pass out. I'm not only interested in your dick.
[ While sex for them is fantastic and consuming and Jesper has every intention of stripping them naked and enjoying it, Kell asked him to meet him there because something serious is going on. And Jesper isn't a walking sex toy, he's a person who loves his friends and as he just said, it takes priority. Kell's mental wellness matters. He looks pale and messed up. Sex will always be there. He kisses him gently, message given, and then tugs him to get a room.
Jesper has the money to do that. The Crows pool their funds together and they're doing decently money-wise, especially compared to most. They probably won't ever be rich, not the rich they prefer, but they live well and can do things like get rooms in Nocwich. Jesper keeps his hand in Kell's as they get it all worked out and once they have the privacy of the room, he shrugs out of his jacket. ]
Okay, baby. Tell Jesper what's wrong.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-08 07:30 pm (UTC)Only it makes him feel more rotten. It is deeply unfair of him to run away from any conversation after making a whole scene about his worry. Kell knows he looks like death warmed up. He's been skipping sleep, rest, meals, anything that made him stop and risk his rising panic will catch up with him. Sex, no matter how awesome it always is with Jesper, would have been just another way for him to avoid it. And Jesper is right, he deserves to know what all this fuss is about now that Kell has dragged him into it.
Kell hates it that Jesper must have noticed, it's impossible not to, how he flinched, tensed, and hesitated before entering the dark room Jesper rented for them. Before the lights went on. It's a second, and it passes, but the very fact that it happened at all is a sign of a deeper problem. He hoped he got over it. Apparently, he did not.
Once they're in, he sinks onto the bed. Deflated. Defeated.]
I can't do this anymore, Jesper. I just can't. It's one thing after another, after another, after another. The first moment I think I've got shit together, there's another one coming, and I'm back to barely holding it up.
One moment I think I'm doing fine, and the next it turns out I've been failing the whole time, I just didn't know it yet.
I'm so tired and ... [Kell stares down at his hands, hates himself more seeing they are shaking.] scared that one day, at some point, they are going to get hurt again, and I won't be there to protect them. Or worse. I will be there, but whatever I'll do still won't be enough. It's like throwing sticks at an avalanche.
[It's a garbled mess of an explanation with no rhyme or reason. Cryptic at best. But the floodgates has been opened and Kell has to spit the worst of it out before he can shape this torrent into something more coherent.]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-09 09:48 pm (UTC)He doesn't sit next to Kell, he pulls up one of the chairs there so he can sit across from him instead, so he can look at his face while he talks more clearly. Jesper scoots it in very close though, so it's easy for him to reach out and run fingers through Kell's hair, just be there for him, so he knows he can lean in and get comfort if he needs to.
Kell sounds a lot like Jesper himself there for a moment, only with the protection part. He's the protector himself, and when almost everyone he loved was captured, he went a little crazy. He takes one of Kell's shaking hands and holds it. ]
This is something I've had to accept myself, love, that the reality is we can't protect everyone we love at all times. It's impossible. All we can do is the best we can in the moment. Which isn't enough, I know, but it has to be something.
[ Jesper does understand where this is all coming from. If it's not specifically the aftermath of the kidnapping, they've had plenty of problems since. Abraxas is the example of when it rains, it pours, and they're all mostly forced to keep accepting what is happening to them. ]
I think you just never let yourself deal with the Pit, Kell. Knowing you, you were probably worried about everyone else but yourself, and you can't help other people if you don't help yourself.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-15 12:26 am (UTC)But I should be! That's why I trained my whole life!
This is what he was supposed to be! The reason they even brought me in! A weapon for the crown yes, but a shield first! If I can't protect him what is the reason for my existence?! If I can't do this what am I even for ?!!
[Kell slaps a hand over his mouth seconds after he shouts his protests. Fuck. Two years, and the poison is still deep in his mind. A weapon. A shield. Blessed. Cursed. Inhuman. A thing.
He'd be pissed if he had any energy left to be angry. He doesn't. He leans into Jesper's touch. This is not what he came here for.]
I'm sorry. I . . . shouldn't be dragging you into this. I come here to see you. I needed to know that you weren't hurt. I just... I kept thinking that I couldn't stand if you got hurt badly, I know that I don't have much right to it. We don't know each other all that well, but I want to. I want to know you better. I think I ...
[I think I love you. It would have been so easy to say, but Kell stops himself midsentence. He doesn't want to break what they already have. He's already too intense for most people when he finally lets them to see him. He knows it now. It burns like a furnace in his heart. He wants - no, needs to - Jesper to see him.]
Deal with? [Kell blinks. He looks up at Jesper as if he suddenly started speaking Farosian. The Pit is past, and good riddance. He doesn't want to think about it ever again. What's more there to deal with?] Like how?
no subject
Date: 2023-10-16 12:15 am (UTC)[ Jesper reaches up to cup Kell's face in his hands, gray eyes staring deeply into his mismatched eyes. ]
Listen to me, whoever made you think that's all you're good for, fuck them. You belong to yourself. Even when you also belong to other people, you belong to yourself. Your existence doesn't hinge on someone else.
[ Jesper isn't a selfish person, he isn't saying it from an egotistical 'only I matter' way. But he does believe that people need to be at home in their own skin before they can do a thing for others. He's learning that himself, when he struggles to accept parts of himself that he hates, but he knows that he has to keep going. There's no stopping point that's acceptable. He's always very confident in himself and that is a necessity; to be who he is, you need that.
Jesper belongs to other people. His lovers, his crew, his family (found and real), he's always been a communal kind of guy. He cares about the whole. But if he has to live at home in himself, he can do that. He might not always like what he sees in the mirror but it's still him. ]
Baby, come on, stop that. [ Jesper kisses him gently, and then his cheeks and his forehead, sweet and soft and soothing. ] You have a right. You're my lover, my friend, my sweet Kell. You didn't drag me into anything, I came willingly.
[ He'd really like to punch Kell's tormenters straight in the face, whoever it was that convinced him he didn't deserve any good things in life. Jesper is aware that he's talking about Rhy, about his existence as his protector, he knows that much, but he also knows enough about Rhy to suspect that isn't how he sees Kell either. But neither of them can force Kell to see himself as clearly as others do. ]
You were traumatized, same as everyone down there.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-17 01:55 pm (UTC)That would be my parents, or rather Rhy's parents. Not him, though. Never him. [He huffs, the tension in his face easing into a weak smile.] He'd kick me for saying what I just did.
[And he will be so disappointed. Kell ended becoming what he was supposed to be not because their parents made him. It only happened because Rhy treated him differently. He thought them every step of the way. Kell learned to fight it too. Sometimes too much and in stupid ways. It stings that after all this time, it's their words and their expectations he defaults to under stress.
Kell feels beyond lucky that now he has Jesper to call him out on this too. Keep him in check, but also kiss him, call him baby and sweet. So kind and gentle. It's almost painful how good it feels to be treated like that. Like something precious, worthy of protection and care. Kell had never dared to expect that anyone else other than Rhy will ever see him this way. He told himself he was fine with the future when no one ever did.
Then came Jesper Fahey to utterly shatter his limited worldview. With his willingness to accept everything about Kell, even the things Kell did not accept about himself. Show him things he didn't know about himself. And now this.
Kell smiles. It's like weight has dropped from his chest, like he was drowning, but can Jesper has dragged him up to the surface and he can breath again. ]
I bet your other lovers tell you this all the time, but you are a treasure, Jesper Fahey. [He leans in kissing Jesper back, eyes closed, lips parted in wordless invitation. Both the blue and the black eyes fixed on Jesper when he finally pulls away.] I have no idea what I did to deserve you, but I feel stupidly lucky that I do. I mean it. Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me here.
And you're right, I thought I was fine, but I guess I'm still a bit broken after it.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-19 01:51 pm (UTC)[ Jesper pauses and considers before continuing. He usually is someone who can be a support system for others without sharing much of himself. A cipher that way, and it's not because he's hiding anything, it's just due to an instinct to put others first. He's got a good head on his shoulders and some unwavering confidence and he surrounds himself with people who could use someone like him driving them forward. But this is fair enough, for him to share where this understanding comes from. ]
My dad is a good man but he never really saw me. He forced me to hide who I was, made me feel like it was something to be afraid and ashamed of, and doing so made me sick. Grisha get sick if they don't use their abilities, usually visibly they are, but for me, it's in my mind. Addiction, adrenaline seeking, impulsivity. My skin always feels like it's crawling and I can't sit still, even when I use my powers more like now. And I always fall back into it when I'm stressed or struggling.
[ Like a warm tight glove that feels right to wrap himself in whenever he's in a bad place. And it always is followed up by Jesper feeling ashamed and messed up, and hating himself when he usually doesn't. It's when those bad things in his brain win him, overpower his sense. It's a pattern though, started for him long ago. He's no stranger to parents that fuck you up, even if he did know his father loved him. ]
When he found out what I became, that I was a criminal, he was so angry and disappointed in me. All the love that I felt for myself, my genuine happiness at being a Crow, it was gone in a second.
[ There is something to be said for the disappointment of a parent being damned terrible. He loved his father, perhaps put him on a pedestal. He lied to him out of fear of rejection and that's exactly what happened to him. Rejection. Jesper still feels that pain now, because they made some peace, sure, but it doesn't change that Colm isn't happy with what he does. He was glad that he and Wylan did their own thing, but he would never accept Jesper being a Crow, not truly. ]
What I'm saying is everyone struggles with loving themselves, whether from internal or external conflict. But the people who love you as you are can't fix how you see yourself. Only you can do that.
[ Jesper had the love of the other Crows and Wylan tried to help him, but he had to help himself. Just as he can tell Kell all he wants to ignore Rhy's parents, but he can't solve it for Kell. But maybe it'll help to know that even someone as confident and positive as Jesper struggles with issues of self-worth. It's not something he shares widely so Kell is now being pulled into a confidante situation. Jesper trusts him. ]
What you did to deserve me was by being you, sweetheart. You don't have to convince me of your worth as a friend and lover.
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Date: 2023-10-20 09:31 pm (UTC)It's awful. Your dad. He should have protected the real you, not the idea of you he had in his head.
[Kell is not half as eloquent as Jesper is, but he too felt so strongly the pain of rejection of who he really was. Half of the stupid things he did was in retaliation to Maxim not treating him like a son he was supposed to be to him. To Tieren for lying to him for his first years of his life in the palace that he was a prince, and their son. His own choices never being good enough to even be acknowledged.]
I think [Kell hesitates, but pushes through. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he's spoiled princeling just like Lila had said. He wouldn't know until says it.] I think I know what you mean when you say your skin crawls. That you cannot sit still.
I get this too. Antari magic is like a waterfall. Like this living maelstrom inside me. Like it has a will of its own. It wants to create, to change, to transform. If I can't, it builds and builds, eating away at me until I do something with it. But if I use it, it only wants more. It's like trying to tame a hurricane. I had to learn to control it, it took years, and still sometimes I slip...
[Kell bites his lower lip. He knows he's rambling, but there is a point he's trying to make. That's why the Pit messed him up so much that he hasn't yet recovered.]
What I'm trying to say is, I know no one can fix me. [A rare moment of self-reflection on his part.] Even if sometimes I wish someone could. But you're saying you'll have me anyway, and I ... I think you're absolutely perfect as you are.
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Date: 2023-10-23 08:31 pm (UTC)[ That's not how Jesper himself looks at love, as anyone can tell when they see the relationships they do have. And what Kell has with him, he knows first-hand what Jesper's love can be. Supportive. Kind. Playful. He can live without his loved ones but he doesn't want to. It's not usually them that breaks him, it's his own mind, his own sickness. ]
She died using our powers, so he was afraid of what would happen to me. In a lot of ways I raised myself. He was just trying to exist without her. We're doing better now that we're more honest with each other.
[ Jesper isn't making excuses for him, he's in a more realistic place about his feelings regarding his father. Colm is flawed and for a long time Jesper couldn't see that, he blamed everything on himself, not his father. But if there is anyone who can have compassion for flawed people, it's him, and once he saw his father that way, they were able to talk for real. They're closer than they've ever been now. Or they were, before he came here. The funny thing is that his father would be a whole lot more proud of how he is here. No crime. Helping out people. Making money as a merchant. Alas.]
It's not even about being fixed, Kell, because I'm not sure we're broken, we're just what the world's made of us. But it doesn't matter, because we're doing our best to make a life here, and that has to be enough.
[ It has to be enough because there's no other choice. This is where they are and what they're doing. Jesper's found peace in that. He misses his life before but it's been pretty easy to settle here. He's adaptable. He thinks Kaz is starting to get used to this too, he was the hardest to get there. Inej has her faith to guide him, and Jesper has his loving heart. ]
Saints, I am not perfect, believe me. I wouldn't like myself if I was, perfect would be so boring. If you mean I'm perfectly flawed, I'd agree with that.
[ He takes Kell's hand and kisses it sweetly. ]
Does Rhy know how you're feeling with all of this?
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Date: 2023-10-25 05:55 am (UTC)What he feels for Jesper is anything but that. Because he feels things for him. It's not only desire anymore. He's just too afraid to name them. As if putting a word on it would break the spell, and he likes what they have too much. It feels good, and safe, and ... happy. Unlike anything before.
But it doesn't mean he agree when Jesper says they are not broken. He might not be, but Kell knows he is.]
If I'm not broken than why can't I go out on my own when it's dark outside again? I thought I was fine. It's kind of annoying to come to Nocwich when I'm like that. [He sighs. Jesper can't know. He didn't see him right after the Pit.] After the kidnappings, when we were back, and they finally let me out of infirmary. [After his close encounter with an avalanche, Kell was one of the last out.] I found that if it was night, and the street was completely empty, I would just freeze. There was nothing there, but I couldn't move. I had to call Kyle or Rhy to walk me back from the teashop to the castle.
I got better with time. I thought it went away. That it was gone.
But then the rifts started appearing, then the beasts, then Kyle landed in the infirmary, Rhy got hurt, and next thing I know I stand at the door, it's dark outside, not a soul on the street, and I feel it again. The same fucking dread. And I cannot move. What is that other than broken?
[Kell shrugs. He had no one to call that time, so eventually, he got out and walked all way to the castle feeling he'd die every step of the way. But he did it. And never said a word to Rhy. Last thing he wanted was for him to worry when he was supposed to rest and heal. Somehow, Rhy knew anyway.]
I think so? We don't really talk about such things a lot, but he was always able to read right through me. [For many, very complicated and equally as many very simple reasons. Now he just shivers.] He would have known for sure back home, and most likely be pretty annoyed at me too. We had a bond back there. Here, we don't. Singularity stole it from me. [Why he did nothing to get it back is a whole deal on its own.]
Rhy doesn't like it here. [An understatement of a century. It's not only being ripped away from your home, your life and your family. Some of it is Kell's fault too.] I'm the one better off, not him.
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Date: 2023-10-29 12:04 am (UTC)They deserve to die, especially for the fact that months later Kell's still afraid of the dark. For a moment Jesper's eyes are very dark, not their usual light silver, as he contemplates the amount of blood he'd like to spill, but he focuses instead on what he can actually do. Which is be there for Kell. ]
You're not broken, you're a survivor of something terrible, and you survived because you're strong. You were traumatized, love, but you can heal, you just need to give yourself more time. It doesn't go away all at once.
[ Jesper knows it's frustrating. He hopes that going back to the island, if they're allowed to, will provide people with some closure. It's the only thing he can think of outside of time, and no one wants to be that patient here. He's still cringing from the heralds last year. ]
I think you should talk about it more. You can always talk to me, but I think he'd want to be there for you too, given the chance. Relationships need to go both ways.
[ Technically they displayed that just in the past few minutes. Jesper sharing some of his past, Kell sharing his feelings, this is a back and forth that is of the healthy variety. It's not that Jesper thinks Rhy is avoiding topics, he just doesn't necessarily have the full picture, and he's a good man, he should. ]
Well sure, he's a prince there, yeah? Gotta be better than being a captive in an alien world. Doesn't mean he wants you to keep your feelings locked up from him because you feel differently.
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Date: 2023-11-08 05:22 pm (UTC)We're not really good at talking. I mean, especially me. Well, actually, mostly me. Rhy is very good at talking. To the point that I don't always know when he's serious or just teasing. But it's also...yeah, getting me to talk usually requires criminal amount of alcohol. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth.
[That's part of their problem. They know each other for so long and so well, it sometimes slides into expecting that the other would know without asking. Because they so often do. Kell, for his part, hates talking about problems. His usual tactic is to run away, wait them out in hope they will resolve themselves. Definitely not talk.]
Yeah, he wouldn't. He hates it when I keep things from him, and I don't want to, but ... [Kell sighs. A long, tired exhale of someone know he's doing wrong, but can't do right for too many reasons, all of them too complicated. Where in fact, it's actually simple. It's just him making things more complicated then they should be.] I still do. I just, I don't know, I ... I have no idea how to talk about some things. It's a lot. Too much. I don't want to. Like the Pit. I just want to forget about the whole thing, but it fucking keeps coming back all the time. Like as if it won't ever leave me alone. All I want is to forget, and at least pretend I'm like I was before it. Even if I know that I'm not. I just want it to go away.
[Kell never told anyone the whole story. Not even Rhy. Though Rhy got the most. In pieces, across weeks, still not all. Kell shakes his head.]
I just want it to go away.
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Date: 2023-11-09 11:54 pm (UTC)[ Jesper is gently teasing him because of course he knows that about him. It took Kell a while to be willing to talk to him about the sex they were actively having, it's clear he struggles with communication. But Jesper is fantastic at communication in comparison and so is Rhy, they have that in common. But Rhy and Kell have so many of their own issues baked in that it's probably easier for Kell to talk to an outsider.
He runs his fingers through Kell's hair and kisses his cheek so he knows he's playing around. The last thing he wants is to make him clam up around Jesper too. ]
Sweetheart, that didn't even happen that long ago. It's going to take longer than a few months for all of you to get past this, and you lot need to give yourselves a break over it.
[ Inej and Kaz are the same way, and most people he knows who went to the Pit struggle with this. He understands it's because they want it to be over with, which is what Kell's saying, but unfortunately that's not how it all works. ]
Maybe you all need a support group. Talk about what happened to people who actually know. What we went through on the outside was something too, but it's not the same thing. You don't think everyone else is weak because they're struggling, do you? I know you don't, because I know you.
[ Jesper is doing all kinds of physically soothing things as they talk. Touches, letting Kell know he's there, and he picks up his hand to kiss it now, just trying to be there for him in all the ways he can. As comforting as possible. He went through some shit on the outside, like the others, but he doesn't talk about that with anyone. So he's somewhat a hypocrite, it's just a different situation. ]
You are harder on yourself than anyone should be. You aren't weak, and having feelings doesn't make you weak, and needing to talk about your feelings doesn't make you weak. Whatever shit people have told you otherwise is just that, shit.
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Date: 2023-11-15 04:04 pm (UTC)[Sarcasm is better than his previous agitated brooding, but Kell is still far from fine. He leans forward, rests his forehead on Jesper's shoulder, eyes closed, and for a long moment he just breathes. Soaking in Jesper's warmth and closeness.]
It's a lot, but that's my problem. I don't want to dump it on anyone. Not Rhy, not you. To add my weight to problems that other people already have. I don't want to burden people I love. [He sighs, frustration mixed with sheer, plain exhaustion.] But it's too much. I'm not used to breaking under pressure, but now? Everything seems to be happening non-stop and I can't catch a break. I don't know if talking will help. I surely don't want to. I feel too tired to talk. All I can think of is how I just want a moment of peace, so can catch my damned breath.
[That might be it. Yes, a lot is happening, but it's on him too. His frantic running around, filling every waking minute with activity, stopping only to eat and barely sleep? Running away from bad memories yes, but also not giving himself a chance to properly rest.]
I'm so tired, Jesper.
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Date: 2023-11-18 03:42 am (UTC)[ Jesper is a champion at the two-way street. Whether it's in friendship or in bed, he never takes something he can't give too. While it is harder for him to share his own struggles, he's so much more comfortable being the support system, he has done better about it. And he does think that if he needed to, he could tell Kell. He trusts him too. ]
Okay, come here, let's lie down together.
[ Jesper tugs Kell gently and kicks off his shoes, moving onto the bed and not in a 'come hither' way, in the more comfortable way one might with a long-term partner or when alone. He has shed his coat and vest to be more comfortable too, so he's dressed down, casual. He pats the bed next to him in a continued request for Kell to join him.
The two of them have sex so frequently that they haven't had a lot of time to simply settle into each other's company, and that's what he wants, which is why he isn't being suggestive or flirtatious. Yes he could distract and comfort Kell with his body, but he's trying it the other way for now. He makes room for Kell to lie down next to him if he takes the invitation. ]
How about I'll share something with you from the outside that fucked me up? That way you aren't the only one.
[ That isn't easy. He is trying. It's why Jesper looks at the ceiling and not at him at first, and he has to take a pause while he decides what he wants to say. ]
I went berserk. There's no better word for it. I've always tried to injure people rather than kill, if possible, but I was not holding back. I tortured people, I killed them, and I enjoyed it. And that's ... not normal for me.
[ Jesper usually gives himself some leeway with the reality that he's a killer. A damned good one at that. He will and does kill, but considering he has gone for the wound instead of the kill, it means he can control himself, that he's not as dark and violent as the people in the Barrel who can't come back. ]
I wanted - I still want - to kill every one of them. If I could get to them in the prison, I think I would've already done it.
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Date: 2023-11-21 12:34 pm (UTC)I never thought about it this way.
[He admits readily, because this is Jesper, and just as he said, he trusts Jesper. It feels like a privilege when Jesper shares some of his horror with him. It's only then that Kell understands what he said first.
Kell reaches for Jesper's hand, intertwines their fingers. He knows, he understands the black, burning poison of just wanting to erase someone from the face of the world. He killed people in the past. Not in anger, no, this would be too much like him. He did it cold and methodical. Slowly planning and executing his vengeance. Made them feel they were dying. Bone magic makes up for an awfully painful way to die.]
It's awful. It's fucked up. I know that's not you, but I understand it.
[Kell has no illusions what his training was all for. What he was expected to do in case Rhy was in danger. But this is different. It's the rage that does not go away even if after the danger did.]
So do I. I'm not proud of it. Not at all. It just is what it is.
[Thing is, they're both killers. Kell led sheltered life so he didn't have to fight for survival. Lila called him spoiled princeling, and she was right, but he has an edge to him that Rhy doesn't.
He was against leaving any acolytes alive. Even those that surrendered. He obliterated the pair that got on their trail when they were fleeing through the mountains. Call it self-defense, and it even was, but his use of force was so excessive that he shocked Dante who was there with him.]
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Date: 2023-11-22 01:44 am (UTC)I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.
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Date: 2023-11-23 12:28 am (UTC)[They both have sides to themselves that are pretty scary. Kell doesn't know what to think about that he's more fine with himself being monstrous that he is with feeling weak. As if some of the cold steel of White London seeped into his blood through all those visits over the years, and stayed there. But he knows what he sees, because he recognizes it in himself.]
That's desperation. You were desperate. In desperation, we can do unthinkable. [He knows he did. The black, spidery lines of the magic seal on his chest are evidence of it.] But you came back.
[There's determination in Kell's voice to get his message across. Not only for Jesper. He is saying it to him, yes, but he's also saying it for himself as much. He needs to believe that no matter how far he'd go off the rails, he'll be able to come back. For Rhy. For Istredd, for Jesper, and Mat, and Kyle... he has so many people here to come back to.]
You came back for them.
[Kell closes his eyes, he kisses Jesper, whispering against his lips.]
You came back for me. I think that's pretty awesome.
[Saints, it must be love. What else can it be? They're telling each other things that would have scared away most people, but Kell sees this as dedication. Something he has too. Something that can, and did, make him do horrible things. And instead of being repulsed, it makes him attracted to Jesper more. Their shadows match, and it's terrifying, and beautiful, and powerful. But Kell is not attracted to Jesper's shadow, but to that even having it, Jesper is still Jesper. The shadow is part of him, but not all about him. He can shake it off. Break away from its influence. His light shines stronger for it, and to Kell that's irresistible.]
To me, you are perfect.
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Date: 2023-11-27 12:06 am (UTC)[ So he didn't know what was left after that. More killing? More torture? He was already in that state of mind. Jesper was willing to kill even after he promised he wouldn't, after they told that bandit mother they'd set her son free if she told them everything. He was ready to kill her and him, without a second thought, without a blink of an eye. It was only Nadine's insistence that stopped him, and he still looked to Dean, knowing if he told him to do it, he would regardless. There was no moral high ground left for him. ]
I was desperate. We were close to a collective meltdown. I don't know what would have happened if we were too late.
[ Jesper doesn't think he could come back from it. He would either break or stop feeling at all. Become a shell of a person. They were so close to losing them. He knows that the people in the Pit went through a lot, but so did people on the outside. The constant state of helplessness and fear went both ways. Almost all of his lovers were taken, he was unstable to say the least.
This is Jesper and so is his usual smiling relaxed self. He lives to pretend to be shallow, but he's anything but. He's fine letting Kell see that now. He keeps his truest self under the mask of cheerful indifference and he looks at Kell, cupping his cheek affectionately. His pretty redhead, all soft skin and darkness underneath. He shakes his head, leaning over him, kissing him gently. ]
I'm not perfect, and I wouldn't want to be. I'm very flawed, Kell. And I'm okay with you knowing that.
[ Which is a sign of real intimacy. Letting them see each other without any masks. Jesper is touching him with sincere affection, not their wild state of sexual need. It is all very sweet and he's glad for it. He thinks Kell is very sweet, underneath his intensity, and he didn't know he was until Jesper, in many ways. He looks into Kell's mismatched eyes and smiles. ]
I love you. I want you to know that too.
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