[Aren't they similar in some ways? Ways Kell would never expect from anyone, least of all Jesper. The skin crawling thing. The people looking, but not seeing thing. How can you be so different and yet so similar. He understands now why they can do unspeakably terrible things to each other, and why it feels so good. For him it's burning of this restless energy that threatens to incinerate him from the inside, channeling it into something focused, something useful. Not just cruelty for cruelty's sake.]
It's awful. Your dad. He should have protected the real you, not the idea of you he had in his head.
[Kell is not half as eloquent as Jesper is, but he too felt so strongly the pain of rejection of who he really was. Half of the stupid things he did was in retaliation to Maxim not treating him like a son he was supposed to be to him. To Tieren for lying to him for his first years of his life in the palace that he was a prince, and their son. His own choices never being good enough to even be acknowledged.]
I think [Kell hesitates, but pushes through. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he's spoiled princeling just like Lila had said. He wouldn't know until says it.] I think I know what you mean when you say your skin crawls. That you cannot sit still.
I get this too. Antari magic is like a waterfall. Like this living maelstrom inside me. Like it has a will of its own. It wants to create, to change, to transform. If I can't, it builds and builds, eating away at me until I do something with it. But if I use it, it only wants more. It's like trying to tame a hurricane. I had to learn to control it, it took years, and still sometimes I slip...
[Kell bites his lower lip. He knows he's rambling, but there is a point he's trying to make. That's why the Pit messed him up so much that he hasn't yet recovered.]
What I'm trying to say is, I know no one can fix me. [A rare moment of self-reflection on his part.] Even if sometimes I wish someone could. But you're saying you'll have me anyway, and I ... I think you're absolutely perfect as you are.
He fell apart when my mother died. They had the kind of love that I don't actually want, where you can't exist without each other. It's a romantic idea but an unhealthy one.
[ That's not how Jesper himself looks at love, as anyone can tell when they see the relationships they do have. And what Kell has with him, he knows first-hand what Jesper's love can be. Supportive. Kind. Playful. He can live without his loved ones but he doesn't want to. It's not usually them that breaks him, it's his own mind, his own sickness. ]
She died using our powers, so he was afraid of what would happen to me. In a lot of ways I raised myself. He was just trying to exist without her. We're doing better now that we're more honest with each other.
[ Jesper isn't making excuses for him, he's in a more realistic place about his feelings regarding his father. Colm is flawed and for a long time Jesper couldn't see that, he blamed everything on himself, not his father. But if there is anyone who can have compassion for flawed people, it's him, and once he saw his father that way, they were able to talk for real. They're closer than they've ever been now. Or they were, before he came here. The funny thing is that his father would be a whole lot more proud of how he is here. No crime. Helping out people. Making money as a merchant. Alas.]
It's not even about being fixed, Kell, because I'm not sure we're broken, we're just what the world's made of us. But it doesn't matter, because we're doing our best to make a life here, and that has to be enough.
[ It has to be enough because there's no other choice. This is where they are and what they're doing. Jesper's found peace in that. He misses his life before but it's been pretty easy to settle here. He's adaptable. He thinks Kaz is starting to get used to this too, he was the hardest to get there. Inej has her faith to guide him, and Jesper has his loving heart. ]
Saints, I am not perfect, believe me. I wouldn't like myself if I was, perfect would be so boring. If you mean I'm perfectly flawed, I'd agree with that.
[ He takes Kell's hand and kisses it sweetly. ]
Does Rhy know how you're feeling with all of this?
[Unhealthy. What was ever either of Kell's whole two romantic relations up to this point other than unhealthy? He's never gone anything less than full in. With jealous, desperate, obsessive need. He knows how it feels to be unable to live without the other person. To be willing to die for them. This what love was always for him. A suffocating, all-devouring firestorm.
What he feels for Jesper is anything but that. Because he feels things for him. It's not only desire anymore. He's just too afraid to name them. As if putting a word on it would break the spell, and he likes what they have too much. It feels good, and safe, and ... happy. Unlike anything before.
But it doesn't mean he agree when Jesper says they are not broken. He might not be, but Kell knows he is.]
If I'm not broken than why can't I go out on my own when it's dark outside again? I thought I was fine. It's kind of annoying to come to Nocwich when I'm like that. [He sighs. Jesper can't know. He didn't see him right after the Pit.] After the kidnappings, when we were back, and they finally let me out of infirmary. [After his close encounter with an avalanche, Kell was one of the last out.] I found that if it was night, and the street was completely empty, I would just freeze. There was nothing there, but I couldn't move. I had to call Kyle or Rhy to walk me back from the teashop to the castle.
I got better with time. I thought it went away. That it was gone.
But then the rifts started appearing, then the beasts, then Kyle landed in the infirmary, Rhy got hurt, and next thing I know I stand at the door, it's dark outside, not a soul on the street, and I feel it again. The same fucking dread. And I cannot move. What is that other than broken?
[Kell shrugs. He had no one to call that time, so eventually, he got out and walked all way to the castle feeling he'd die every step of the way. But he did it. And never said a word to Rhy. Last thing he wanted was for him to worry when he was supposed to rest and heal. Somehow, Rhy knew anyway.]
I think so? We don't really talk about such things a lot, but he was always able to read right through me. [For many, very complicated and equally as many very simple reasons. Now he just shivers.] He would have known for sure back home, and most likely be pretty annoyed at me too. We had a bond back there. Here, we don't. Singularity stole it from me. [Why he did nothing to get it back is a whole deal on its own.]
Rhy doesn't like it here. [An understatement of a century. It's not only being ripped away from your home, your life and your family. Some of it is Kell's fault too.] I'm the one better off, not him.
[ Jesper listens to him talk about the darkness and about the aftermath of the Pit, and he's not the first person to express this kind of struggle. Kaz and Inej hate talking about it, but they have, and he thinks if he hears anything more specific at this point, he'd just go kill all of the imprisoned acolytes. He wants to every day, sometimes he lets himself daydream about their deaths, quick or slow, and knows he can't actually do it. Not now, at least. But he's tempted, and he's tempted again, listening to Kell.
They deserve to die, especially for the fact that months later Kell's still afraid of the dark. For a moment Jesper's eyes are very dark, not their usual light silver, as he contemplates the amount of blood he'd like to spill, but he focuses instead on what he can actually do. Which is be there for Kell. ]
You're not broken, you're a survivor of something terrible, and you survived because you're strong. You were traumatized, love, but you can heal, you just need to give yourself more time. It doesn't go away all at once.
[ Jesper knows it's frustrating. He hopes that going back to the island, if they're allowed to, will provide people with some closure. It's the only thing he can think of outside of time, and no one wants to be that patient here. He's still cringing from the heralds last year. ]
I think you should talk about it more. You can always talk to me, but I think he'd want to be there for you too, given the chance. Relationships need to go both ways.
[ Technically they displayed that just in the past few minutes. Jesper sharing some of his past, Kell sharing his feelings, this is a back and forth that is of the healthy variety. It's not that Jesper thinks Rhy is avoiding topics, he just doesn't necessarily have the full picture, and he's a good man, he should. ]
Well sure, he's a prince there, yeah? Gotta be better than being a captive in an alien world. Doesn't mean he wants you to keep your feelings locked up from him because you feel differently.
Thanks, Jesper. That's probably better way of looking at it. I just ... [Kell shrugs. He doesn't have good words to describe the maddening mix of frustration, anger and fear that flood his brain in those moments. The way it makes his heart race and chest tighten even thinking about it.] I hate being so limited. I hate feeling so, well, weak. [He's an Antari. Nothing like that should have ever happened to him. And yet it did.]
We're not really good at talking. I mean, especially me. Well, actually, mostly me. Rhy is very good at talking. To the point that I don't always know when he's serious or just teasing. But it's also...yeah, getting me to talk usually requires criminal amount of alcohol. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth.
[That's part of their problem. They know each other for so long and so well, it sometimes slides into expecting that the other would know without asking. Because they so often do. Kell, for his part, hates talking about problems. His usual tactic is to run away, wait them out in hope they will resolve themselves. Definitely not talk.]
Yeah, he wouldn't. He hates it when I keep things from him, and I don't want to, but ... [Kell sighs. A long, tired exhale of someone know he's doing wrong, but can't do right for too many reasons, all of them too complicated. Where in fact, it's actually simple. It's just him making things more complicated then they should be.] I still do. I just, I don't know, I ... I have no idea how to talk about some things. It's a lot. Too much. I don't want to. Like the Pit. I just want to forget about the whole thing, but it fucking keeps coming back all the time. Like as if it won't ever leave me alone. All I want is to forget, and at least pretend I'm like I was before it. Even if I know that I'm not. I just want it to go away.
[Kell never told anyone the whole story. Not even Rhy. Though Rhy got the most. In pieces, across weeks, still not all. Kell shakes his head.]
[ Jesper is gently teasing him because of course he knows that about him. It took Kell a while to be willing to talk to him about the sex they were actively having, it's clear he struggles with communication. But Jesper is fantastic at communication in comparison and so is Rhy, they have that in common. But Rhy and Kell have so many of their own issues baked in that it's probably easier for Kell to talk to an outsider.
He runs his fingers through Kell's hair and kisses his cheek so he knows he's playing around. The last thing he wants is to make him clam up around Jesper too. ]
Sweetheart, that didn't even happen that long ago. It's going to take longer than a few months for all of you to get past this, and you lot need to give yourselves a break over it.
[ Inej and Kaz are the same way, and most people he knows who went to the Pit struggle with this. He understands it's because they want it to be over with, which is what Kell's saying, but unfortunately that's not how it all works. ]
Maybe you all need a support group. Talk about what happened to people who actually know. What we went through on the outside was something too, but it's not the same thing. You don't think everyone else is weak because they're struggling, do you? I know you don't, because I know you.
[ Jesper is doing all kinds of physically soothing things as they talk. Touches, letting Kell know he's there, and he picks up his hand to kiss it now, just trying to be there for him in all the ways he can. As comforting as possible. He went through some shit on the outside, like the others, but he doesn't talk about that with anyone. So he's somewhat a hypocrite, it's just a different situation. ]
You are harder on yourself than anyone should be. You aren't weak, and having feelings doesn't make you weak, and needing to talk about your feelings doesn't make you weak. Whatever shit people have told you otherwise is just that, shit.
That's right. My eloquence knows no bounds. Obviously.
[Sarcasm is better than his previous agitated brooding, but Kell is still far from fine. He leans forward, rests his forehead on Jesper's shoulder, eyes closed, and for a long moment he just breathes. Soaking in Jesper's warmth and closeness.]
It's a lot, but that's my problem. I don't want to dump it on anyone. Not Rhy, not you. To add my weight to problems that other people already have. I don't want to burden people I love. [He sighs, frustration mixed with sheer, plain exhaustion.] But it's too much. I'm not used to breaking under pressure, but now? Everything seems to be happening non-stop and I can't catch a break. I don't know if talking will help. I surely don't want to. I feel too tired to talk. All I can think of is how I just want a moment of peace, so can catch my damned breath.
[That might be it. Yes, a lot is happening, but it's on him too. His frantic running around, filling every waking minute with activity, stopping only to eat and barely sleep? Running away from bad memories yes, but also not giving himself a chance to properly rest.]
Kell, listen to me. When you love someone, you want to share their burdens. You talking about it with me is a gift, it means you trust me, and that you're letting me be here for you. That's what I want, it makes me happy.
[ Jesper is a champion at the two-way street. Whether it's in friendship or in bed, he never takes something he can't give too. While it is harder for him to share his own struggles, he's so much more comfortable being the support system, he has done better about it. And he does think that if he needed to, he could tell Kell. He trusts him too. ]
Okay, come here, let's lie down together.
[ Jesper tugs Kell gently and kicks off his shoes, moving onto the bed and not in a 'come hither' way, in the more comfortable way one might with a long-term partner or when alone. He has shed his coat and vest to be more comfortable too, so he's dressed down, casual. He pats the bed next to him in a continued request for Kell to join him.
The two of them have sex so frequently that they haven't had a lot of time to simply settle into each other's company, and that's what he wants, which is why he isn't being suggestive or flirtatious. Yes he could distract and comfort Kell with his body, but he's trying it the other way for now. He makes room for Kell to lie down next to him if he takes the invitation. ]
How about I'll share something with you from the outside that fucked me up? That way you aren't the only one.
[ That isn't easy. He is trying. It's why Jesper looks at the ceiling and not at him at first, and he has to take a pause while he decides what he wants to say. ]
I went berserk. There's no better word for it. I've always tried to injure people rather than kill, if possible, but I was not holding back. I tortured people, I killed them, and I enjoyed it. And that's ... not normal for me.
[ Jesper usually gives himself some leeway with the reality that he's a killer. A damned good one at that. He will and does kill, but considering he has gone for the wound instead of the kill, it means he can control himself, that he's not as dark and violent as the people in the Barrel who can't come back. ]
I wanted - I still want - to kill every one of them. If I could get to them in the prison, I think I would've already done it.
[Jesper doesn't have to ask him twice. Kell sheds his coat and kicks off his shoes to join him on the bed. He snuggles as close as he possibly can. Him seeking comfort from the other person is not even rare. It practically never happens. That it does with Jesper is evidence to how far they have gone together, and how much Jesper in all that he says and does affects Kell. Unusual, amazing, impossible, challenging, but always, always in a good way. Makes him think, makes him see things differently.]
I never thought about it this way.
[He admits readily, because this is Jesper, and just as he said, he trusts Jesper. It feels like a privilege when Jesper shares some of his horror with him. It's only then that Kell understands what he said first.
Kell reaches for Jesper's hand, intertwines their fingers. He knows, he understands the black, burning poison of just wanting to erase someone from the face of the world. He killed people in the past. Not in anger, no, this would be too much like him. He did it cold and methodical. Slowly planning and executing his vengeance. Made them feel they were dying. Bone magic makes up for an awfully painful way to die.]
It's awful. It's fucked up. I know that's not you, but I understand it.
[Kell has no illusions what his training was all for. What he was expected to do in case Rhy was in danger. But this is different. It's the rage that does not go away even if after the danger did.]
So do I. I'm not proud of it. Not at all. It just is what it is.
[Thing is, they're both killers. Kell led sheltered life so he didn't have to fight for survival. Lila called him spoiled princeling, and she was right, but he has an edge to him that Rhy doesn't.
He was against leaving any acolytes alive. Even those that surrendered. He obliterated the pair that got on their trail when they were fleeing through the mountains. Call it self-defense, and it even was, but his use of force was so excessive that he shocked Dante who was there with him.]
Edited (i guess i must surrender to always having to edit ...) Date: 2023-11-21 12:36 pm (UTC)
[ Jesper is happy to cuddle so he moves onto his side to face Kell and loops an arm around him, curling in close to him. He lets him take his hand but it's clear that even the confession disturbs him. Some of his cheerful walls are coming down and he sighs, running his thumb along Kell's knuckles. ]
I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.
If I was on the outside, with Wilhelm and Mat and Istredd in? I probably would have done the same. I would have done everything to get them back. And I mean everything.
[They both have sides to themselves that are pretty scary. Kell doesn't know what to think about that he's more fine with himself being monstrous that he is with feeling weak. As if some of the cold steel of White London seeped into his blood through all those visits over the years, and stayed there. But he knows what he sees, because he recognizes it in himself.]
That's desperation. You were desperate. In desperation, we can do unthinkable. [He knows he did. The black, spidery lines of the magic seal on his chest are evidence of it.] But you came back.
[There's determination in Kell's voice to get his message across. Not only for Jesper. He is saying it to him, yes, but he's also saying it for himself as much. He needs to believe that no matter how far he'd go off the rails, he'll be able to come back. For Rhy. For Istredd, for Jesper, and Mat, and Kyle... he has so many people here to come back to.]
You came back for them.
[Kell closes his eyes, he kisses Jesper, whispering against his lips.]
You came back for me. I think that's pretty awesome.
[Saints, it must be love. What else can it be? They're telling each other things that would have scared away most people, but Kell sees this as dedication. Something he has too. Something that can, and did, make him do horrible things. And instead of being repulsed, it makes him attracted to Jesper more. Their shadows match, and it's terrifying, and beautiful, and powerful. But Kell is not attracted to Jesper's shadow, but to that even having it, Jesper is still Jesper. The shadow is part of him, but not all about him. He can shake it off. Break away from its influence. His light shines stronger for it, and to Kell that's irresistible.]
I don't know if there was a line I wouldn't cross to get all of you back. I crossed all the ones that were in front of me.
[ So he didn't know what was left after that. More killing? More torture? He was already in that state of mind. Jesper was willing to kill even after he promised he wouldn't, after they told that bandit mother they'd set her son free if she told them everything. He was ready to kill her and him, without a second thought, without a blink of an eye. It was only Nadine's insistence that stopped him, and he still looked to Dean, knowing if he told him to do it, he would regardless. There was no moral high ground left for him. ]
I was desperate. We were close to a collective meltdown. I don't know what would have happened if we were too late.
[ Jesper doesn't think he could come back from it. He would either break or stop feeling at all. Become a shell of a person. They were so close to losing them. He knows that the people in the Pit went through a lot, but so did people on the outside. The constant state of helplessness and fear went both ways. Almost all of his lovers were taken, he was unstable to say the least.
This is Jesper and so is his usual smiling relaxed self. He lives to pretend to be shallow, but he's anything but. He's fine letting Kell see that now. He keeps his truest self under the mask of cheerful indifference and he looks at Kell, cupping his cheek affectionately. His pretty redhead, all soft skin and darkness underneath. He shakes his head, leaning over him, kissing him gently. ]
I'm not perfect, and I wouldn't want to be. I'm very flawed, Kell. And I'm okay with you knowing that.
[ Which is a sign of real intimacy. Letting them see each other without any masks. Jesper is touching him with sincere affection, not their wild state of sexual need. It is all very sweet and he's glad for it. He thinks Kell is very sweet, underneath his intensity, and he didn't know he was until Jesper, in many ways. He looks into Kell's mismatched eyes and smiles. ]
[There's lot that can be said about Kell. He's impulsive, dramatic, grumpy, has way too little control over his temper. Hardly any of it would make him a coward, but he tends to run away from problems and hard topics. Usually, it's a very bad idea. Usually, it's for the better when he finally makes himself admit and spit it out what's been bothering him. With one exception, the 'what ifs' and 'could have beens'. Those he tend to overthink when he just should leave them alone. Those work better when he does not think about them. When he doesn't want to think about them. Those are the things impossible to resolve. What would he do if he were in Jesper's place? How far he would go if it was him on the outside and Rhy on the inside? Does a line that he wouldn't have crossed even exists for him? It's better to leave those question be and don't think about it too hard. If he did, he might very much don't like the answers, and he might have been wrong anyway.]
But you weren't. You came, and you saved us. That's what matters.
[Knowing there's a darkness inside and actively looking into it are not the same things. Kell reaches up, wraps his arms around Jesper's neck, closing his eyes as he fully gives into the kiss. It's sweet and tender, two things Kell always has difficulty accepting. Always on his toes, always vigilant. But he's not like that with Jesper. He'll take everything that Jesper is willing to give him, to show him. There are no expectations between them, and it's wonderful and freeing. There's nothing to prove, nothing to be sorry about. With Jesper, he can just be.]
You and I have very different definitions of perfect it seems. I prefer flawed. Flawed does not [Kell opens his eyes, stares into Jesper's, gray like the sea, silver like the moon, and marvels how right it all feels.] scare me. You saw the whole of me and you did not run. [Too many people did. Even when all they had seen was barely a fraction.] And I did not run either.
[Underneath his grumpy exterior, the brooding, the drama, his unwillingness to trust, his tendency to see the worst in people. The darkness, the turmoil and hunger of his blood magic. Under all this, there's a person good and kind, who cares deeply. So deeply that he'd go out of his way to make an old, blind king smile, while the man's own family just waited for him to die, and Kell's family didn't make a tiniest of effort to write more than a bare sentence of useless platitudes in their letters. Who'd risk his life for people who doesn't know him, care about him or even fear him. A person who's ambitious, but also just and sweet, and sometimes funny. A good storyteller with a keen eye for detail. Barely anyone sees this person ever. For long time, Rhy was the only who knew it existed. Now, Jesper knows too.]
I love you too.
[Everything is so different with Jesper. Kell knows that Jesper belongs with the Crows first, then Matt, and only then with him. But knowing that doesn't make him feel third in line. Not the way his adopted parents made him feel. Their love, if he can even call this love, their acceptance, was always conditional. It makes him feel a part of something. Makes him feel wanted, seen and accepted with everything he has, everything he is. Like he belongs too. It's rare and beautiful, and Kell doesn't know what to do, how to react to it, only that he wants it to last.]
[ To be fair, they did escape on their own, but at least the Summoned on the outside were already on their way. They found the location just before it was announced so they were able to get there before anyone died in the wilderness. It would've been an extra tragedy if they escaped only to die of exposure. Instead they made it in time and he got to sweep his loved ones into his arms, breathing if badly damaged. It was scarring for everyone, the worst thing that happened to them in this land. And they probably will never feel fully safe again. ]
I would never run from you.
[ But he understands why Kell would be afraid that he would. Their first sex experience surprised Kell due to his sudden need for something more violent than he expected. He's come a long way since his confusion over why he needed to use Jesper's body that way, and it's been a pleasure to help him come to terms with it, without feeling bad about it. It would seem like it's his dark side coming out and other people probably would have struggled with his needs, not everyone loves it like Jesper does, but that's why he thinks they're well suited.
Jesper also doesn't run from anyone. Back home he did when he had good reasons to run, but other than that, he's always been obnoxiously brave. Unerringly bold. There is not much Kell could do to concern him.
Jesper also doesn't think about people in terms of who comes first. Technically, yes, the Crows are his family, Mat is his love, but he doesn't put people into categories either. He doesn't love Kell third best, he loves people with all of his heart every time. He doesn't compare because there's no reason to. His heart is made up of infinite pieces he can give away without fear. Despite being ridiculously confident in his ability to be loved, he still enjoys hearing it, and he smiles at Kell's confession. He cups his cheek gently, looking deeply into his eyes.
He uses his body to encourage Kell to move onto his back and gracefully moves on top of him, kissing him slowly. ]
We have the whole night ahead of us, darling, but I'd like to make love to you first. I want you to feel how much I adore you, and that I want to take care of you, treasure you.
[ Jesper kisses his cheeks and nuzzles at his neck. ]
[It is not easy for Kell to say it. What Jesper does not and cannot know, is how truly hard it really is for him. How confusing, how utterly terrifying it is not only to think but to say those words out loud. How much time Kell spent specifically, intentionally not thinking about them. Trying to avoid defining what he feels, because he does not understand it one bit, and staring at something he does not understand is like staring into his own inner darkness. He does not know what to expect, it frightens him, and he's all too used to running away from things he fears. Yet, finally, miraculously, laboriously, the burning need to say the words won.
Most often, Kell's recklessness stems not from courage or conviction, but from a wish to skip over the paralyzing fear of looking at himself and not recognizing what he sees. There are so few people that make him look. That take time, have patience, to hold his hand as he does. Rhy was always the first to succeed in it. Now Jesper has his own way of doing it.
Kell doesn't need much encouragement. He rolls to his back easily. Eager to feel the weight of Jesper's body on him. Relaxed and content by the promise, and the anticipation of more to come.]
Oh yes, Jesper. I want to feel you.
[Breathless and still dizzy from the kiss, he shivers. All the sweet promises already lighting his blood on fire. Saints, it's unbearable how much he wants this. They're only kissing, it has no right to feel this good. But it's always been Jesper's special talent to be able to reduce Kell to a trembling mess solely with his words. A strategically placed kiss, a caress, those work too. They do not detract from the power his words have.]
[ Jesper loves that they can be so very naughty and sweet in equal measures. He's always been someone who enjoys variety in the bedroom and Saints know the two of them have quite the variety of what they do together. He thinks it's important in this moment for Kell to feel loved, that their confessions to each other be underlined as important as they should be. Every touch between them, every kiss or soft sound, will have meaning.
Jesper's glad they already got rid of their shoes and dressed down so they could snuggle comfortably, since that means there are less layers to worry about. Not that he would mind peeling more things off of Kell. They've shared a lot with each other and Kell really let himself be emotionally vulnerable, and Jesper wants to reward him for it, so he knows he can always come here. He kisses his neck, sucking gently, putting a knee between Kell's legs to encourage them to spread and sit up slightly so he can help take Kell's shirt off. His nimble fingers make short work of that and then down to his pants to undo them.
Jesper brushes his mouth over Kell's body, familiarity with it only making sex easier because he knows what he likes. He slides his hand underneath Kell's clothing so he can touch him, rubbing the palm of his hand down against him with solid friction. Trace along his cock with teasing fingers, teasing his balls as his mouth covers one of his nipples. ]
I love touching you. [ He knows how much Kell likes to hear him talk, which is good as Jesper loves to talk. ] The only thing better than touching you is tasting you. Your pretty skin is so sweet. [ He licks around a nipple. ]
Do you want my mouth on you, sweetheart? [ He whispers into his stomach as he moves down. ] Is that what you need?
[There are different needs that exist within him simultaneously. Kell does not switch between cruel and tender, between the desire to give and receive pleasure. It's all there all the time. The beautiful thing, one of its myriad gifts, in having sex with Jesper, or simply being in his company, is that he doesn't have to pick one and shun the rest. He can be all, whole in his complicated, scarred messiness. Show him all, fully let him in. So he does.
Kell lets Jesper guide him up, take his shirt off, spread his legs to give Jesper better access to his body, freely responding to all this wonderful attention with moans and whimpers, his breath quickening, his pulse already racing. And if there's one more thing making it all even better, it's hearing Jesper talk. Kell loves it when Jesper tells him what he's going to do to him and how much they're both going to enjoy it. That Kell is able to answer is evidence to how far they have gone from that first night on the ship. And that - when it's his turn - Kell is able to tell Jesper what he wants to do to him too. Still not easy, but possible. Nothing short of a miracle knowing where they started.]
I love it when you touch me.
[Jesper knows exactly how to touch him for Kell to slowly, but completely unravel, melt into his hands. Hot breath on Kell's bare skin, decisive slide of his hand down Kell's body, both pulling his attention immediately to the sensation and keeping it there. Jesper's word flashing heat right through him in anticipation of promised pleasure.]
Yes, a-ah, Jesper. [Whatever smart response Kell had prepared is reduced to a string of breathless pleas.] I want it, I need it. Your sweet lips, your tongue, I want to feel them on me.
[ When Kell lets him take off the shirt, lifts up so he can strip him more, his body open and eager to let Jesper have control right now. It does make him good and sweet, and he's always known from the start that Kell holds opposites in himself when it comes to sex. He knew from their first time when he unlocked something dark in the man, only leading to his confusion at the time, but now he's not afraid of either. This is the same Kell who will probably fuck him like an animal later. ]
But for right this instant, he deserves to be treasured and gently handled, after what he's been through.
[ Jesper pulls the rest of Kell's clothes off and puts them to the side, able to reach out and get the lubricant from his jacket easily, setting it down. He takes a moment to look at Kell naked and spread out underneath him. ]
So beautiful. So vulnerable. But you trust me, don't you, love? You know I'll never be anything but good to you.
[ That trust is integral to why this works between them. They were strangers in the start but Jesper knew instinctively that Kell was someone he could drop his guard with. There was always something about him that felt vulnerable on the inside, fragmented, ready to be pieced together without knowing how. He lifts one of Kell's legs up onto his shoulder to give him more room between his legs.
Since this is the mood they're in more right then, Jesper takes his time pulling Kell apart. He nuzzles his balls, sucks on them gently, kisses all along the shaft with licks around him, playing for longer than Kell probably wants before he puts his mouth finally on the head. Even then though he takes good long licks along the slide and the underside, tantalizing but not fully taking him until he can't bear to resist. Kell's done this enough times to know that Jesper always gives in eventually, sometimes it's a patience game, and he enjoys this too much.
When he finally takes him in, it's to the root, not teasing anymore with dipping his head lower with time, just surrounding Kell all at once with his mouth, letting him touch his throat at the end. When he has him hot and hard between his lips, he opens the lube one-handed and pushes one finger in him at the same time. ]
[Trust is essential to what they have. Without trust, Jesper would have never seen the dark part of Kell, and he accepts that one a lot more, than he does his helpless, needy part. Which is the one that Jesper experience now, when he treats Kell with such veneration.
Being the pretty body on display soaking admiration and praise. Indulged and pampered, like some exotic creature deserving its special treatment. A vessel for pleasure as much as the source of it. All this stands in direct contrast to the person Kell usually considers himself to be. In more contrast to what he lets other people see. He allows it for Jesper. Not only allows, he actively wants him to see. Like that time in Jesper's Horizon domain when Jesper made a mirror on the ceiling showing Kell how beautiful they look together, and Kell who never thought about himself as pretty - handsome, interesting, compelling, maybe, but not beautiful - stared at their bodies moving together in awe; the image etched into his memory forever. He wants Jesper to see what he showed him then. To make Jesper look at him with the same hunger, he did then. Like he looks at him now, after he undressed Kell completely.]
Yes, [Kell agrees, eyes half-closed, lips curled in a lazy smile, spreading his legs wider, shifting his body to make it even more enticing.] and all of it for you to play with.
[He reaches down to caress Jesper's cheek, but lets his hand fall onto the bed the moment Jesper lifts his leg over his shoulder.]
I know and I trust you.
[All else, if there even was anything left, gets drowned by the stream of moans that spill out of Kell's lips once Jesper starts. He takes his sweet, sweet time with Kell. Thread by thread winding him up, hot and hard, all but begging for a release, and yet enjoying every second of delay. It's not the mindless madness they sometime indulge in, but a slow and deliberate process of increasing the pressure. Kell enjoys every second of it. There can only be one more thing that would made it feel even better. One thing he hungers for even more than Jesper's mouth on his cock.
When Jesper finally swallows him whole all the way down to the hilt, Kell almost cries out. It's like with the mirror, but this time Kell wants to see. He lifts his head to look. The sight of Jesper's head buried between his thighs renders Kell speechless. But what breaks it for him is feeling that single finger slip in so effortlessly. Selfish and greedy, Kell already wants more. It's only because of the trust they share that Kell is able to ask for it.]
I want you in me, Jesper. [Every word of his half plea, half demand, leaves Kell's lips followed by a moan or stretched into one.] I want you to make love to me slowly. I want to feel every inch of you.
[ Jesper thinks most people are attractive; even the unattractive can have qualities that appeal to him, he's a very open-minded person. Some of the best fucks he's ever had are with people who usually don't get the attention. Kell is, however, absolutely gorgeous. Jesper could write odes to his right leg. He could write poems about the muscles in his back. The Horizon giving them the opportunity to see how hot they were from every angle was perfect and he definitely thinks about it in his daydreaming time.
One of the things he loves about Kell is his response. He's so open in his need, but only because there's trust between them. His moans and reactions are delicious and how much he loses himself in their sex is endlessly thrilling. Few things are hotter to Jesper than the other person having a great time and being vocal about it. It only spurs him on. This next part requires skill.
The skill is in giving Kell what he wants, sucking on his cock, sliding his slickened fingers into him, but only bringing him to the edge instead of tumbling him over it. His mouth is very slow on Kell, giving him the wetness and a steady bob of his head, but not being as relentless as he can be. The relentless part is in how he's stretching him, pleased that Kell's gotten to the point where he relaxes far easier now, his need for penetration making him easier to open up. By the third finger he's compliant and Jesper pulls off him with a loud pop. ]
Saints, I need you, baby, you're going to feel how much.
[ Jesper couldn't talk before but now he can so he plans on it. He crawls up Kell's body and strokes himself very quickly to get the lubricant on. He's painfully hard just from the joy of getting Kell off. He keeps Kell's leg at his will and this time he moves it from his shoulder to his hip. He scrambles to get a pillow to place it under Kell's lower back to make this easier on him, always careful to get his lovers as comfortable as possible. Sometimes they're wild and don't care, but this is all about Kell's pleasure. He is pampering him, all of this for him.
Well, not all of it, because when Jesper pushes inside of him, it's definitely for him too. The flood of pleasure nearly has him go mad for a moment, it goes so smoothly for him to move to the hilt. He keeps himself from snapping or going too rough, not for this start, he promised sweet and he means it. ]
You feel like you were made to fuck and be fucked by me, sweetheart, it always feels so right, doesn't it?
[ Jesper kisses his face sweetly, his cheeks, his forehead, his jaw, ending it on his lips to delve into his mouth. This kiss is passionate and intense, a contrast to the steady and soft way that he pulls out of Kell and back into him, so smooth and simple. ]
[There has been time when Kell has used sex as a drug. To forget, to run away, to shut up his overactive mind, feed his hungry magic. Not with Jesper. Not even when he's using his body, abusing it in all the wonderfully devious ways they devise for their mutual pleasure. He's never absent, never lets his focus drift away from the moment, from what they are doing, what he is doing to Jesper... or what Jesper is doing to him.Even then Kell is still learning his own body, its wants, needs and desires, as much as he is learning Jesper's.
But he's always been a quick learner, a good student, and he learns best what can draw and keep his attention. Jesper is an absolute master of it able to hold and direct Kell's focus wherever he pleases. And there are many things that please him. Like keeping Kell at the very edge, delirious with anticipation, yet acutely aware of long fingers inside of him working him open so blissfully slow that Kell could swear seconds stretch into minutes and time simply works differently. The hedonistic urge to drag it longer, to build the pressure higher, fights within him with the raw need to demand that Jesper just fuck him already.]
Show me.
[Kell lets Jesper move him around however his wishes. To carefully arrange him, with a pillow under his back, his leg hooked over Jesper's hip, all open and waiting. He cries out when Jesper pushes in, one fluid motion to go fully in. Finally getting what he all but begged for. Not an orgasm yet, Kell doesn't allow himself that. He wants Jesper to fuck him into oblivion. For Jesper to be the one to intentionally push him over the edge. Not an orgasm, but an equally blissful sensation of being so stretched and filled, it makes it hard to breath around.]
All the time. Do you feel it? Right here. How perfectly it fits? [Kell moans, squeezing and releasing his previously relaxed muscles, as if he could pull Jesper deeper with it. Make him can feel it more.] Fuck me long, Jesper. Fuck me until I cannot breathe. Fuck me, so I can ruin you later.
[Now that he has Jesper at the right height to reach, Kell winds his arms around him. Holding on to him, nails digging into skin of his arms, his back, his ass, just as Jesper starts to move. Pitiful whimpers when he pulls out, obscene moans when pushes back in, until both get muffled by Jesper's lips on his, eager to let him in.]
[ Jesper groans when Kell squeezes around him and yes, it is perfect, this is perfect. Kell is the hottest sheath for him he could ever look for and it is only Jesper's control over himself that keeps him from simply fucking them both into quick and wild release. Every time he's in him there is that impulse though, because they are so in tune with each other, they fit. He's had a lot of sex in his life and most of it good, but there is something unique about two people who have explosive chemistry in bed. And that's them. Sometimes it's all he can do to keep from going crazy inside of Kell.
Jesper plasters himself entirely over Kell, lining their bodies up as he moves in a slow rhythm. It makes it easy for Kell to get a hold of him, moaning when the nails dig in, the touch on his ass encouraging him to push a little deeper. He breaks out of the kiss only when they're both breathless and that's when he starts moving faster, doing the exact thing he'd just done with his mouth, keeping them on the edge. For a few seconds he goes harder, snapping his hips until Kell seems too into it, and then he slows it down again, never stopping the thrusting but changing the tempo. Long strokes inside, almost pulling out entirely to make that full thrust felt.
Jesper encourages both legs around him now so Kell can try and tug him in at his own pace, his mouth biting at Kell's ear, sucking the lobe, making little moans and pants into his ear so he can hear the impact of their lovemaking. ]
I love you, Kell. [ He whispers. ] My sweetest one.
[ In a way, he really is the sweetest in Jesper's heart, because he can be so many things, but he is always Jesper's. In their sex, they belong to each other.
No one can possibly keep it going like that forever and Kell is so open and needy, and they both need more. Jesper kisses his cheek and that is the last nice thing he does, because he really starts to move. He pins Kell to the bed with his weight and pounds him into the mattress, the force of his thrusts enough to make the bed thud almost as loud as the slap of their skin together.
Jesper forces most of his weight on one side so he can hold himself up with an arm and let the other one slip between them. It's a little harder to stroke Kell considering how forceful his own body is being, but between his hand and the friction of their bodies rubbing up against each other, it should be enough. He climbs and climbs and then cries out as he forces his way in deep, still stroking him and moving in small, sharp movements as the bliss falls over him.]
Love you,[ he murmurs, at the height of his pleasure. ]
[Fucking hard and fast is wonderful. The madness they let themselves fall into is wonderful. Often their mutual hunger, raw and primal, is served best by honoring its brutal and explosive ways. When they have less time or less patience, he loves to destroy Jesper and be destroyed by him in turn. Tear into each other like wild beasts. It's unreal how well matched they are in that regard. How perfectly they can play off each others urges, wants and needs.
That's why Kell keeps coming back to Jesper like he's never done to anyone else. Most of his previous flings were short affairs, shallow and instrumental. He might have wanted to bang the other person. He might have felt genuine attraction. At times, even not only purely physical. At times, even completely sober. Not a single one could compare. Most he largely forgot. As few as they were. He definitely hadn't fantasized, in the slow hours of the day, about getting railed withing the inch of his life by any of them. Men or women, doesn't matter. Not even about fucking them into the ground. It's Jesper who has uncovered this side of him.
And Jesper who gets to reap the benefits of finding out that Kell loves when he fucks him long and deep and thorough. Completely overwhelm him, flood all his senses. Like he's a sandy cliff slowly devoured by the sea. Jesper is the sea, moving in and out of him fast and deep only to slow down when Kell can all but taste the release coming. Kell hooks his legs around him, ankles crossed, pushing his hips upward. All to get Jesper to hit him at a better angle, to pull him deeper, to keep him in longer. He slows his breath intentionally, matching it to the rhythm of Jesper's thrusts. Long inhale in his way in, exhale when he pulls out.
Kell might want to drag it ever slightly longer, but even Antari stamina has limits. He's already shaking, euphoric and lightheaded, muscles trembling from the strain, when Jesper kisses him sweetly on the cheek. Then gives Kell just what he asked for, he takes his breath away. Wave after wave of bone-deep, blinding ecstasy, floodgates open, it just keeps going. It's that last thrust when Jesper's comes inside of him, finally pushes Kell over the edge too. It goes and goes, almost without an end.
But an end comes leaving Kell weak and drained. Even breathing feels like too much of a challenge. The world slowly coming into focus. Kell suddenly feels very aware of Jesper's weight on his, warm and comforting. Crumpled sheets under his bare back. Solid support of the mattress. A pile of his own clothes at the edge of his vision. Throbbing of his muscles still stretched around Jesper's now limp cock. Kell moans. He feels too weak to breath, to lift a single finger, and yet he has to swallow hard when he becomes aware of how Jesper still fills him. And how he'd like to fill him in turn now. How he'd like to throw him on bed and fuck him senseless. Pity he has no strength left to do it. It would have been so wonderful.]
Saints, it was incredible.
[He has enough strength to ramble.]
I love you, Jesper. You're always so good for me.
[As he slowly comes back to his senses, Kell realizes one small detail that escaped his notice before. He laughs. This is extra even for them.]
I'm afraid we might get asked to pay extra for the noise. Look. [He starts kissing Jesper wherever he can reach without moving too much.] You fucked me so well, we moved the whole bed. [He chuckles.] At least the windows are intact. [Unlike with some other people.] I love you. I love you so much.
[ Kell's given so much of himself today, opened up his heart and shared his feelings, no matter how difficult they are. He's trusted Jesper with more than his body. And Jesper is feeling very emotional about that. The vulnerability means something to him, and it is love, pure and simple. It is what he feels and what he tries to show as he takes Kell and he can see it sinking in. All of their sex is great, but this is special. And while they can go wild in the Horizon, have sex over and over again in every possible way they feel like, Jesper does like to have it be real whenever they can. It might be messier and require more time to build up the strength again, but it's intimate.
Jesper stays in him even after they've both come, much as he requests on the other end, so he can rest deep inside him and kiss him affectionately. He likes a few seconds of holding onto that closeness, pressing a kiss to each of his cheeks, and only after catching his breath does he pull out. Jesper moves to the side of Kell and immediately curls up right against him, draping an arm over him, pulling him close. Still wanting them to be touching in as many places as possible. It doesn't matter to him they're sticky and spent. It won't be the last time.
He laughs at the reference to the noise and kisses Kell's forehead, running fingers through his bright hair. ]
I have the money. [ Jesper's actually pretty wealthy. Not to the highest level, but enough to keep four people (the Crows) comfortable. ] Wait until the morning when you'll be in me, we could break the bed if we're not careful.
[ Jesper assumes they can have their second bout after some sleep and rest, there's no hurry, they have each other's bodies to explore. But Kell is quite the stallion in the bedroom and this was nothing compared to the noises he gets out of Jesper's mouth. And Jesper never censors himself. He'll be as loud as he damn well wants to. Sorry everyone else. ]
I actually did think I'd love you after our first time in the bedroom. So it's not a surprise to me.
[Kell soaks all the affection that Jesper showers him with. It brings him gently down from what would otherwise be a draining crash. Instead, he's softly sinking into relaxed state, the heat of his ravenous desire slowly dissipating, dissolved by Jesper's kisses and caresses. Just as Jesper pulls out and rolls to his side, Kell is already seeking contact again; setting comfortably under his arm.
He groans at the mention of what else they can do to the bed. This is no empty joke, but a real threat. Kell knows how destructively excited he can be when he gets his hands on Jesper. Hands, lips, teeth, dick. Even still sweetly curled against Jesper, Kell feels the first flash of need. Saints, how much he wants him! This man drives him the most pleasant kind of crazy. He purrs against Jesper's skin.]
Then I'm lucky that you do, because I don't.
[Kell chuckles. When he's not furious and frustrated, he finds his forever precarious financial situation ironic to the point of funny. He's grown as a prince for fucks sake! Money was never issue for him. It is so annoying he has to remember that he doesn't have near infinite means here. When he's fed with being mad he can make himself see it as hilarious. For the sheer contrast with the rest of his life.
So it's quite surprising that relying on Jesper this evening feels so hot. Being provided for is completely new for him. New and unexpectedly exciting.]
You have no idea how much it costs to publish a book. Especially, one with so much fucking in it as mine.
Speaking of fucking-- [Kell begrudgingly resigns to reality that they can't go wild as they do in Horizon. They need rest, they need break and they need sleep. But it's worth it. It always is. Kell shifts slightly so he can remain plastered against Jesper with every inch of his skin, but he can also growl a promise into his ear.] I am going to fuck you so hard, we might as well break this bed in the morning.
[This is were they differ. Kell got totally blindsided by his feelings for Jesper. For how long he tried to avoid putting a name to them while he already has been hopelessly smitten. But there are reasons for his irrational behavior. For his blindness, for his denial. Daring to love has never ended good for him. Those two times that he could not fight it.]
It was to me. [Kell closes his eyes. It's easier like that. When nothing he sees distracts him, when he feels Jesper's warmth, hears his breath, the weight of his arms around him. He feels safe.] I don't really have feelings for people. Not the good ones. I ever fell in love twice in my life before. Neither felt like what I feel for you. How I feel with you. It's sex, yes, sex is great. I have no words to describe how much I want you. There's not a moment when I don't want to drag you to some secluded place and just fuck. Saints, I cannot count how many times I was daydreaming about fucking you while I should be working or studying. But it's not all. It would have been so easy if it was just sex.
[Kell opens his eyes, staring right at Jesper.]
It's not just sex. I understand nothing of this. I don't understand why I could just sit in the room with you, not even touching, just sharing the same space, and it would already make me happy. Fuck, knowing you exist somewhere there, even when there are two countries between us, it already makes me happy. How crazy is that?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2023-10-20 09:31 pm (UTC)It's awful. Your dad. He should have protected the real you, not the idea of you he had in his head.
[Kell is not half as eloquent as Jesper is, but he too felt so strongly the pain of rejection of who he really was. Half of the stupid things he did was in retaliation to Maxim not treating him like a son he was supposed to be to him. To Tieren for lying to him for his first years of his life in the palace that he was a prince, and their son. His own choices never being good enough to even be acknowledged.]
I think [Kell hesitates, but pushes through. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he's spoiled princeling just like Lila had said. He wouldn't know until says it.] I think I know what you mean when you say your skin crawls. That you cannot sit still.
I get this too. Antari magic is like a waterfall. Like this living maelstrom inside me. Like it has a will of its own. It wants to create, to change, to transform. If I can't, it builds and builds, eating away at me until I do something with it. But if I use it, it only wants more. It's like trying to tame a hurricane. I had to learn to control it, it took years, and still sometimes I slip...
[Kell bites his lower lip. He knows he's rambling, but there is a point he's trying to make. That's why the Pit messed him up so much that he hasn't yet recovered.]
What I'm trying to say is, I know no one can fix me. [A rare moment of self-reflection on his part.] Even if sometimes I wish someone could. But you're saying you'll have me anyway, and I ... I think you're absolutely perfect as you are.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-23 08:31 pm (UTC)[ That's not how Jesper himself looks at love, as anyone can tell when they see the relationships they do have. And what Kell has with him, he knows first-hand what Jesper's love can be. Supportive. Kind. Playful. He can live without his loved ones but he doesn't want to. It's not usually them that breaks him, it's his own mind, his own sickness. ]
She died using our powers, so he was afraid of what would happen to me. In a lot of ways I raised myself. He was just trying to exist without her. We're doing better now that we're more honest with each other.
[ Jesper isn't making excuses for him, he's in a more realistic place about his feelings regarding his father. Colm is flawed and for a long time Jesper couldn't see that, he blamed everything on himself, not his father. But if there is anyone who can have compassion for flawed people, it's him, and once he saw his father that way, they were able to talk for real. They're closer than they've ever been now. Or they were, before he came here. The funny thing is that his father would be a whole lot more proud of how he is here. No crime. Helping out people. Making money as a merchant. Alas.]
It's not even about being fixed, Kell, because I'm not sure we're broken, we're just what the world's made of us. But it doesn't matter, because we're doing our best to make a life here, and that has to be enough.
[ It has to be enough because there's no other choice. This is where they are and what they're doing. Jesper's found peace in that. He misses his life before but it's been pretty easy to settle here. He's adaptable. He thinks Kaz is starting to get used to this too, he was the hardest to get there. Inej has her faith to guide him, and Jesper has his loving heart. ]
Saints, I am not perfect, believe me. I wouldn't like myself if I was, perfect would be so boring. If you mean I'm perfectly flawed, I'd agree with that.
[ He takes Kell's hand and kisses it sweetly. ]
Does Rhy know how you're feeling with all of this?
no subject
Date: 2023-10-25 05:55 am (UTC)What he feels for Jesper is anything but that. Because he feels things for him. It's not only desire anymore. He's just too afraid to name them. As if putting a word on it would break the spell, and he likes what they have too much. It feels good, and safe, and ... happy. Unlike anything before.
But it doesn't mean he agree when Jesper says they are not broken. He might not be, but Kell knows he is.]
If I'm not broken than why can't I go out on my own when it's dark outside again? I thought I was fine. It's kind of annoying to come to Nocwich when I'm like that. [He sighs. Jesper can't know. He didn't see him right after the Pit.] After the kidnappings, when we were back, and they finally let me out of infirmary. [After his close encounter with an avalanche, Kell was one of the last out.] I found that if it was night, and the street was completely empty, I would just freeze. There was nothing there, but I couldn't move. I had to call Kyle or Rhy to walk me back from the teashop to the castle.
I got better with time. I thought it went away. That it was gone.
But then the rifts started appearing, then the beasts, then Kyle landed in the infirmary, Rhy got hurt, and next thing I know I stand at the door, it's dark outside, not a soul on the street, and I feel it again. The same fucking dread. And I cannot move. What is that other than broken?
[Kell shrugs. He had no one to call that time, so eventually, he got out and walked all way to the castle feeling he'd die every step of the way. But he did it. And never said a word to Rhy. Last thing he wanted was for him to worry when he was supposed to rest and heal. Somehow, Rhy knew anyway.]
I think so? We don't really talk about such things a lot, but he was always able to read right through me. [For many, very complicated and equally as many very simple reasons. Now he just shivers.] He would have known for sure back home, and most likely be pretty annoyed at me too. We had a bond back there. Here, we don't. Singularity stole it from me. [Why he did nothing to get it back is a whole deal on its own.]
Rhy doesn't like it here. [An understatement of a century. It's not only being ripped away from your home, your life and your family. Some of it is Kell's fault too.] I'm the one better off, not him.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-29 12:04 am (UTC)They deserve to die, especially for the fact that months later Kell's still afraid of the dark. For a moment Jesper's eyes are very dark, not their usual light silver, as he contemplates the amount of blood he'd like to spill, but he focuses instead on what he can actually do. Which is be there for Kell. ]
You're not broken, you're a survivor of something terrible, and you survived because you're strong. You were traumatized, love, but you can heal, you just need to give yourself more time. It doesn't go away all at once.
[ Jesper knows it's frustrating. He hopes that going back to the island, if they're allowed to, will provide people with some closure. It's the only thing he can think of outside of time, and no one wants to be that patient here. He's still cringing from the heralds last year. ]
I think you should talk about it more. You can always talk to me, but I think he'd want to be there for you too, given the chance. Relationships need to go both ways.
[ Technically they displayed that just in the past few minutes. Jesper sharing some of his past, Kell sharing his feelings, this is a back and forth that is of the healthy variety. It's not that Jesper thinks Rhy is avoiding topics, he just doesn't necessarily have the full picture, and he's a good man, he should. ]
Well sure, he's a prince there, yeah? Gotta be better than being a captive in an alien world. Doesn't mean he wants you to keep your feelings locked up from him because you feel differently.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 05:22 pm (UTC)We're not really good at talking. I mean, especially me. Well, actually, mostly me. Rhy is very good at talking. To the point that I don't always know when he's serious or just teasing. But it's also...yeah, getting me to talk usually requires criminal amount of alcohol. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth.
[That's part of their problem. They know each other for so long and so well, it sometimes slides into expecting that the other would know without asking. Because they so often do. Kell, for his part, hates talking about problems. His usual tactic is to run away, wait them out in hope they will resolve themselves. Definitely not talk.]
Yeah, he wouldn't. He hates it when I keep things from him, and I don't want to, but ... [Kell sighs. A long, tired exhale of someone know he's doing wrong, but can't do right for too many reasons, all of them too complicated. Where in fact, it's actually simple. It's just him making things more complicated then they should be.] I still do. I just, I don't know, I ... I have no idea how to talk about some things. It's a lot. Too much. I don't want to. Like the Pit. I just want to forget about the whole thing, but it fucking keeps coming back all the time. Like as if it won't ever leave me alone. All I want is to forget, and at least pretend I'm like I was before it. Even if I know that I'm not. I just want it to go away.
[Kell never told anyone the whole story. Not even Rhy. Though Rhy got the most. In pieces, across weeks, still not all. Kell shakes his head.]
I just want it to go away.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-09 11:54 pm (UTC)[ Jesper is gently teasing him because of course he knows that about him. It took Kell a while to be willing to talk to him about the sex they were actively having, it's clear he struggles with communication. But Jesper is fantastic at communication in comparison and so is Rhy, they have that in common. But Rhy and Kell have so many of their own issues baked in that it's probably easier for Kell to talk to an outsider.
He runs his fingers through Kell's hair and kisses his cheek so he knows he's playing around. The last thing he wants is to make him clam up around Jesper too. ]
Sweetheart, that didn't even happen that long ago. It's going to take longer than a few months for all of you to get past this, and you lot need to give yourselves a break over it.
[ Inej and Kaz are the same way, and most people he knows who went to the Pit struggle with this. He understands it's because they want it to be over with, which is what Kell's saying, but unfortunately that's not how it all works. ]
Maybe you all need a support group. Talk about what happened to people who actually know. What we went through on the outside was something too, but it's not the same thing. You don't think everyone else is weak because they're struggling, do you? I know you don't, because I know you.
[ Jesper is doing all kinds of physically soothing things as they talk. Touches, letting Kell know he's there, and he picks up his hand to kiss it now, just trying to be there for him in all the ways he can. As comforting as possible. He went through some shit on the outside, like the others, but he doesn't talk about that with anyone. So he's somewhat a hypocrite, it's just a different situation. ]
You are harder on yourself than anyone should be. You aren't weak, and having feelings doesn't make you weak, and needing to talk about your feelings doesn't make you weak. Whatever shit people have told you otherwise is just that, shit.
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Date: 2023-11-15 04:04 pm (UTC)[Sarcasm is better than his previous agitated brooding, but Kell is still far from fine. He leans forward, rests his forehead on Jesper's shoulder, eyes closed, and for a long moment he just breathes. Soaking in Jesper's warmth and closeness.]
It's a lot, but that's my problem. I don't want to dump it on anyone. Not Rhy, not you. To add my weight to problems that other people already have. I don't want to burden people I love. [He sighs, frustration mixed with sheer, plain exhaustion.] But it's too much. I'm not used to breaking under pressure, but now? Everything seems to be happening non-stop and I can't catch a break. I don't know if talking will help. I surely don't want to. I feel too tired to talk. All I can think of is how I just want a moment of peace, so can catch my damned breath.
[That might be it. Yes, a lot is happening, but it's on him too. His frantic running around, filling every waking minute with activity, stopping only to eat and barely sleep? Running away from bad memories yes, but also not giving himself a chance to properly rest.]
I'm so tired, Jesper.
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Date: 2023-11-18 03:42 am (UTC)[ Jesper is a champion at the two-way street. Whether it's in friendship or in bed, he never takes something he can't give too. While it is harder for him to share his own struggles, he's so much more comfortable being the support system, he has done better about it. And he does think that if he needed to, he could tell Kell. He trusts him too. ]
Okay, come here, let's lie down together.
[ Jesper tugs Kell gently and kicks off his shoes, moving onto the bed and not in a 'come hither' way, in the more comfortable way one might with a long-term partner or when alone. He has shed his coat and vest to be more comfortable too, so he's dressed down, casual. He pats the bed next to him in a continued request for Kell to join him.
The two of them have sex so frequently that they haven't had a lot of time to simply settle into each other's company, and that's what he wants, which is why he isn't being suggestive or flirtatious. Yes he could distract and comfort Kell with his body, but he's trying it the other way for now. He makes room for Kell to lie down next to him if he takes the invitation. ]
How about I'll share something with you from the outside that fucked me up? That way you aren't the only one.
[ That isn't easy. He is trying. It's why Jesper looks at the ceiling and not at him at first, and he has to take a pause while he decides what he wants to say. ]
I went berserk. There's no better word for it. I've always tried to injure people rather than kill, if possible, but I was not holding back. I tortured people, I killed them, and I enjoyed it. And that's ... not normal for me.
[ Jesper usually gives himself some leeway with the reality that he's a killer. A damned good one at that. He will and does kill, but considering he has gone for the wound instead of the kill, it means he can control himself, that he's not as dark and violent as the people in the Barrel who can't come back. ]
I wanted - I still want - to kill every one of them. If I could get to them in the prison, I think I would've already done it.
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Date: 2023-11-21 12:34 pm (UTC)I never thought about it this way.
[He admits readily, because this is Jesper, and just as he said, he trusts Jesper. It feels like a privilege when Jesper shares some of his horror with him. It's only then that Kell understands what he said first.
Kell reaches for Jesper's hand, intertwines their fingers. He knows, he understands the black, burning poison of just wanting to erase someone from the face of the world. He killed people in the past. Not in anger, no, this would be too much like him. He did it cold and methodical. Slowly planning and executing his vengeance. Made them feel they were dying. Bone magic makes up for an awfully painful way to die.]
It's awful. It's fucked up. I know that's not you, but I understand it.
[Kell has no illusions what his training was all for. What he was expected to do in case Rhy was in danger. But this is different. It's the rage that does not go away even if after the danger did.]
So do I. I'm not proud of it. Not at all. It just is what it is.
[Thing is, they're both killers. Kell led sheltered life so he didn't have to fight for survival. Lila called him spoiled princeling, and she was right, but he has an edge to him that Rhy doesn't.
He was against leaving any acolytes alive. Even those that surrendered. He obliterated the pair that got on their trail when they were fleeing through the mountains. Call it self-defense, and it even was, but his use of force was so excessive that he shocked Dante who was there with him.]
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Date: 2023-11-22 01:44 am (UTC)I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.
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Date: 2023-11-23 12:28 am (UTC)[They both have sides to themselves that are pretty scary. Kell doesn't know what to think about that he's more fine with himself being monstrous that he is with feeling weak. As if some of the cold steel of White London seeped into his blood through all those visits over the years, and stayed there. But he knows what he sees, because he recognizes it in himself.]
That's desperation. You were desperate. In desperation, we can do unthinkable. [He knows he did. The black, spidery lines of the magic seal on his chest are evidence of it.] But you came back.
[There's determination in Kell's voice to get his message across. Not only for Jesper. He is saying it to him, yes, but he's also saying it for himself as much. He needs to believe that no matter how far he'd go off the rails, he'll be able to come back. For Rhy. For Istredd, for Jesper, and Mat, and Kyle... he has so many people here to come back to.]
You came back for them.
[Kell closes his eyes, he kisses Jesper, whispering against his lips.]
You came back for me. I think that's pretty awesome.
[Saints, it must be love. What else can it be? They're telling each other things that would have scared away most people, but Kell sees this as dedication. Something he has too. Something that can, and did, make him do horrible things. And instead of being repulsed, it makes him attracted to Jesper more. Their shadows match, and it's terrifying, and beautiful, and powerful. But Kell is not attracted to Jesper's shadow, but to that even having it, Jesper is still Jesper. The shadow is part of him, but not all about him. He can shake it off. Break away from its influence. His light shines stronger for it, and to Kell that's irresistible.]
To me, you are perfect.
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Date: 2023-11-27 12:06 am (UTC)[ So he didn't know what was left after that. More killing? More torture? He was already in that state of mind. Jesper was willing to kill even after he promised he wouldn't, after they told that bandit mother they'd set her son free if she told them everything. He was ready to kill her and him, without a second thought, without a blink of an eye. It was only Nadine's insistence that stopped him, and he still looked to Dean, knowing if he told him to do it, he would regardless. There was no moral high ground left for him. ]
I was desperate. We were close to a collective meltdown. I don't know what would have happened if we were too late.
[ Jesper doesn't think he could come back from it. He would either break or stop feeling at all. Become a shell of a person. They were so close to losing them. He knows that the people in the Pit went through a lot, but so did people on the outside. The constant state of helplessness and fear went both ways. Almost all of his lovers were taken, he was unstable to say the least.
This is Jesper and so is his usual smiling relaxed self. He lives to pretend to be shallow, but he's anything but. He's fine letting Kell see that now. He keeps his truest self under the mask of cheerful indifference and he looks at Kell, cupping his cheek affectionately. His pretty redhead, all soft skin and darkness underneath. He shakes his head, leaning over him, kissing him gently. ]
I'm not perfect, and I wouldn't want to be. I'm very flawed, Kell. And I'm okay with you knowing that.
[ Which is a sign of real intimacy. Letting them see each other without any masks. Jesper is touching him with sincere affection, not their wild state of sexual need. It is all very sweet and he's glad for it. He thinks Kell is very sweet, underneath his intensity, and he didn't know he was until Jesper, in many ways. He looks into Kell's mismatched eyes and smiles. ]
I love you. I want you to know that too.
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Date: 2023-12-12 02:01 pm (UTC)It's better to leave those question be and don't think about it too hard. If he did, he might very much don't like the answers, and he might have been wrong anyway.]
But you weren't. You came, and you saved us. That's what matters.
[Knowing there's a darkness inside and actively looking into it are not the same things. Kell reaches up, wraps his arms around Jesper's neck, closing his eyes as he fully gives into the kiss. It's sweet and tender, two things Kell always has difficulty accepting. Always on his toes, always vigilant. But he's not like that with Jesper. He'll take everything that Jesper is willing to give him, to show him. There are no expectations between them, and it's wonderful and freeing. There's nothing to prove, nothing to be sorry about. With Jesper, he can just be.]
You and I have very different definitions of perfect it seems. I prefer flawed. Flawed does not [Kell opens his eyes, stares into Jesper's, gray like the sea, silver like the moon, and marvels how right it all feels.] scare me. You saw the whole of me and you did not run. [Too many people did. Even when all they had seen was barely a fraction.] And I did not run either.
[Underneath his grumpy exterior, the brooding, the drama, his unwillingness to trust, his tendency to see the worst in people. The darkness, the turmoil and hunger of his blood magic. Under all this, there's a person good and kind, who cares deeply. So deeply that he'd go out of his way to make an old, blind king smile, while the man's own family just waited for him to die, and Kell's family didn't make a tiniest of effort to write more than a bare sentence of useless platitudes in their letters.
Who'd risk his life for people who doesn't know him, care about him or even fear him. A person who's ambitious, but also just and sweet, and sometimes funny. A good storyteller with a keen eye for detail. Barely anyone sees this person ever. For long time, Rhy was the only who knew it existed. Now, Jesper knows too.]
I love you too.
[Everything is so different with Jesper. Kell knows that Jesper belongs with the Crows first, then Matt, and only then with him. But knowing that doesn't make him feel third in line. Not the way his adopted parents made him feel. Their love, if he can even call this love, their acceptance, was always conditional. It makes him feel a part of something. Makes him feel wanted, seen and accepted with everything he has, everything he is. Like he belongs too. It's rare and beautiful, and Kell doesn't know what to do, how to react to it, only that he wants it to last.]
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Date: 2023-12-14 05:45 pm (UTC)[ To be fair, they did escape on their own, but at least the Summoned on the outside were already on their way. They found the location just before it was announced so they were able to get there before anyone died in the wilderness. It would've been an extra tragedy if they escaped only to die of exposure. Instead they made it in time and he got to sweep his loved ones into his arms, breathing if badly damaged. It was scarring for everyone, the worst thing that happened to them in this land. And they probably will never feel fully safe again. ]
I would never run from you.
[ But he understands why Kell would be afraid that he would. Their first sex experience surprised Kell due to his sudden need for something more violent than he expected. He's come a long way since his confusion over why he needed to use Jesper's body that way, and it's been a pleasure to help him come to terms with it, without feeling bad about it. It would seem like it's his dark side coming out and other people probably would have struggled with his needs, not everyone loves it like Jesper does, but that's why he thinks they're well suited.
Jesper also doesn't run from anyone. Back home he did when he had good reasons to run, but other than that, he's always been obnoxiously brave. Unerringly bold. There is not much Kell could do to concern him.
Jesper also doesn't think about people in terms of who comes first. Technically, yes, the Crows are his family, Mat is his love, but he doesn't put people into categories either. He doesn't love Kell third best, he loves people with all of his heart every time. He doesn't compare because there's no reason to. His heart is made up of infinite pieces he can give away without fear. Despite being ridiculously confident in his ability to be loved, he still enjoys hearing it, and he smiles at Kell's confession. He cups his cheek gently, looking deeply into his eyes.
He uses his body to encourage Kell to move onto his back and gracefully moves on top of him, kissing him slowly. ]
We have the whole night ahead of us, darling, but I'd like to make love to you first. I want you to feel how much I adore you, and that I want to take care of you, treasure you.
[ Jesper kisses his cheeks and nuzzles at his neck. ]
I can help you feel better.
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Date: 2023-12-17 01:49 pm (UTC)Most often, Kell's recklessness stems not from courage or conviction, but from a wish to skip over the paralyzing fear of looking at himself and not recognizing what he sees. There are so few people that make him look. That take time, have patience, to hold his hand as he does. Rhy was always the first to succeed in it.
Now Jesper has his own way of doing it.
Kell doesn't need much encouragement. He rolls to his back easily. Eager to feel the weight of Jesper's body on him. Relaxed and content by the promise, and the anticipation of more to come.]
Oh yes, Jesper. I want to feel you.
[Breathless and still dizzy from the kiss, he shivers. All the sweet promises already lighting his blood on fire. Saints, it's unbearable how much he wants this. They're only kissing, it has no right to feel this good. But it's always been Jesper's special talent to be able to reduce Kell to a trembling mess solely with his words. A strategically placed kiss, a caress, those work too. They do not detract from the power his words have.]
Mhhhm, I know you will. You always do.
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Date: 2023-12-18 12:42 am (UTC)Jesper's glad they already got rid of their shoes and dressed down so they could snuggle comfortably, since that means there are less layers to worry about. Not that he would mind peeling more things off of Kell. They've shared a lot with each other and Kell really let himself be emotionally vulnerable, and Jesper wants to reward him for it, so he knows he can always come here. He kisses his neck, sucking gently, putting a knee between Kell's legs to encourage them to spread and sit up slightly so he can help take Kell's shirt off. His nimble fingers make short work of that and then down to his pants to undo them.
Jesper brushes his mouth over Kell's body, familiarity with it only making sex easier because he knows what he likes. He slides his hand underneath Kell's clothing so he can touch him, rubbing the palm of his hand down against him with solid friction. Trace along his cock with teasing fingers, teasing his balls as his mouth covers one of his nipples. ]
I love touching you. [ He knows how much Kell likes to hear him talk, which is good as Jesper loves to talk. ] The only thing better than touching you is tasting you. Your pretty skin is so sweet. [ He licks around a nipple. ]
Do you want my mouth on you, sweetheart? [ He whispers into his stomach as he moves down. ] Is that what you need?
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Date: 2023-12-18 08:17 am (UTC)Kell lets Jesper guide him up, take his shirt off, spread his legs to give Jesper better access to his body, freely responding to all this wonderful attention with moans and whimpers, his breath quickening, his pulse already racing. And if there's one more thing making it all even better, it's hearing Jesper talk. Kell loves it when Jesper tells him what he's going to do to him and how much they're both going to enjoy it. That Kell is able to answer is evidence to how far they have gone from that first night on the ship. And that - when it's his turn - Kell is able to tell Jesper what he wants to do to him too. Still not easy, but possible. Nothing short of a miracle knowing where they started.]
I love it when you touch me.
[Jesper knows exactly how to touch him for Kell to slowly, but completely unravel, melt into his hands. Hot breath on Kell's bare skin, decisive slide of his hand down Kell's body, both pulling his attention immediately to the sensation and keeping it there. Jesper's word flashing heat right through him in anticipation of promised pleasure.]
Yes, a-ah, Jesper. [Whatever smart response Kell had prepared is reduced to a string of breathless pleas.] I want it, I need it. Your sweet lips, your tongue, I want to feel them on me.
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Date: 2023-12-21 04:51 pm (UTC)[ When Kell lets him take off the shirt, lifts up so he can strip him more, his body open and eager to let Jesper have control right now. It does make him good and sweet, and he's always known from the start that Kell holds opposites in himself when it comes to sex. He knew from their first time when he unlocked something dark in the man, only leading to his confusion at the time, but now he's not afraid of either. This is the same Kell who will probably fuck him like an animal later. ]
But for right this instant, he deserves to be treasured and gently handled, after what he's been through.
[ Jesper pulls the rest of Kell's clothes off and puts them to the side, able to reach out and get the lubricant from his jacket easily, setting it down. He takes a moment to look at Kell naked and spread out underneath him. ]
So beautiful. So vulnerable. But you trust me, don't you, love? You know I'll never be anything but good to you.
[ That trust is integral to why this works between them. They were strangers in the start but Jesper knew instinctively that Kell was someone he could drop his guard with. There was always something about him that felt vulnerable on the inside, fragmented, ready to be pieced together without knowing how. He lifts one of Kell's legs up onto his shoulder to give him more room between his legs.
Since this is the mood they're in more right then, Jesper takes his time pulling Kell apart. He nuzzles his balls, sucks on them gently, kisses all along the shaft with licks around him, playing for longer than Kell probably wants before he puts his mouth finally on the head. Even then though he takes good long licks along the slide and the underside, tantalizing but not fully taking him until he can't bear to resist. Kell's done this enough times to know that Jesper always gives in eventually, sometimes it's a patience game, and he enjoys this too much.
When he finally takes him in, it's to the root, not teasing anymore with dipping his head lower with time, just surrounding Kell all at once with his mouth, letting him touch his throat at the end. When he has him hot and hard between his lips, he opens the lube one-handed and pushes one finger in him at the same time. ]
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Date: 2023-12-22 11:32 pm (UTC)Being the pretty body on display soaking admiration and praise. Indulged and pampered, like some exotic creature deserving its special treatment. A vessel for pleasure as much as the source of it. All this stands in direct contrast to the person Kell usually considers himself to be. In more contrast to what he lets other people see. He allows it for Jesper. Not only allows, he actively wants him to see. Like that time in Jesper's Horizon domain when Jesper made a mirror on the ceiling showing Kell how beautiful they look together, and Kell who never thought about himself as pretty - handsome, interesting, compelling, maybe, but not beautiful - stared at their bodies moving together in awe; the image etched into his memory forever. He wants Jesper to see what he showed him then. To make Jesper look at him with the same hunger, he did then. Like he looks at him now, after he undressed Kell completely.]
Yes, [Kell agrees, eyes half-closed, lips curled in a lazy smile, spreading his legs wider, shifting his body to make it even more enticing.] and all of it for you to play with.
[He reaches down to caress Jesper's cheek, but lets his hand fall onto the bed the moment Jesper lifts his leg over his shoulder.]
I know and I trust you.
[All else, if there even was anything left, gets drowned by the stream of moans that spill out of Kell's lips once Jesper starts. He takes his sweet, sweet time with Kell. Thread by thread winding him up, hot and hard, all but begging for a release, and yet enjoying every second of delay. It's not the mindless madness they sometime indulge in, but a slow and deliberate process of increasing the pressure. Kell enjoys every second of it. There can only be one more thing that would made it feel even better. One thing he hungers for even more than Jesper's mouth on his cock.
When Jesper finally swallows him whole all the way down to the hilt, Kell almost cries out. It's like with the mirror, but this time Kell wants to see. He lifts his head to look. The sight of Jesper's head buried between his thighs renders Kell speechless. But what breaks it for him is feeling that single finger slip in so effortlessly. Selfish and greedy, Kell already wants more. It's only because of the trust they share that Kell is able to ask for it.]
I want you in me, Jesper. [Every word of his half plea, half demand, leaves Kell's lips followed by a moan or stretched into one.] I want you to make love to me slowly. I want to feel every inch of you.
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Date: 2023-12-26 06:47 pm (UTC)One of the things he loves about Kell is his response. He's so open in his need, but only because there's trust between them. His moans and reactions are delicious and how much he loses himself in their sex is endlessly thrilling. Few things are hotter to Jesper than the other person having a great time and being vocal about it. It only spurs him on. This next part requires skill.
The skill is in giving Kell what he wants, sucking on his cock, sliding his slickened fingers into him, but only bringing him to the edge instead of tumbling him over it. His mouth is very slow on Kell, giving him the wetness and a steady bob of his head, but not being as relentless as he can be. The relentless part is in how he's stretching him, pleased that Kell's gotten to the point where he relaxes far easier now, his need for penetration making him easier to open up. By the third finger he's compliant and Jesper pulls off him with a loud pop. ]
Saints, I need you, baby, you're going to feel how much.
[ Jesper couldn't talk before but now he can so he plans on it. He crawls up Kell's body and strokes himself very quickly to get the lubricant on. He's painfully hard just from the joy of getting Kell off. He keeps Kell's leg at his will and this time he moves it from his shoulder to his hip. He scrambles to get a pillow to place it under Kell's lower back to make this easier on him, always careful to get his lovers as comfortable as possible. Sometimes they're wild and don't care, but this is all about Kell's pleasure. He is pampering him, all of this for him.
Well, not all of it, because when Jesper pushes inside of him, it's definitely for him too. The flood of pleasure nearly has him go mad for a moment, it goes so smoothly for him to move to the hilt. He keeps himself from snapping or going too rough, not for this start, he promised sweet and he means it. ]
You feel like you were made to fuck and be fucked by me, sweetheart, it always feels so right, doesn't it?
[ Jesper kisses his face sweetly, his cheeks, his forehead, his jaw, ending it on his lips to delve into his mouth. This kiss is passionate and intense, a contrast to the steady and soft way that he pulls out of Kell and back into him, so smooth and simple. ]
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Date: 2023-12-27 02:11 am (UTC)But he's always been a quick learner, a good student, and he learns best what can draw and keep his attention. Jesper is an absolute master of it able to hold and direct Kell's focus wherever he pleases. And there are many things that please him. Like keeping Kell at the very edge, delirious with anticipation, yet acutely aware of long fingers inside of him working him open so blissfully slow that Kell could swear seconds stretch into minutes and time simply works differently. The hedonistic urge to drag it longer, to build the pressure higher, fights within him with the raw need to demand that Jesper just fuck him already.]
Show me.
[Kell lets Jesper move him around however his wishes. To carefully arrange him, with a pillow under his back, his leg hooked over Jesper's hip, all open and waiting. He cries out when Jesper pushes in, one fluid motion to go fully in. Finally getting what he all but begged for. Not an orgasm yet, Kell doesn't allow himself that. He wants Jesper to fuck him into oblivion. For Jesper to be the one to intentionally push him over the edge. Not an orgasm, but an equally blissful sensation of being so stretched and filled, it makes it hard to breath around.]
All the time. Do you feel it? Right here. How perfectly it fits? [Kell moans, squeezing and releasing his previously relaxed muscles, as if he could pull Jesper deeper with it. Make him can feel it more.] Fuck me long, Jesper. Fuck me until I cannot breathe. Fuck me, so I can ruin you later.
[Now that he has Jesper at the right height to reach, Kell winds his arms around him. Holding on to him, nails digging into skin of his arms, his back, his ass, just as Jesper starts to move. Pitiful whimpers when he pulls out, obscene moans when pushes back in, until both get muffled by Jesper's lips on his, eager to let him in.]
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Date: 2023-12-27 09:56 pm (UTC)Jesper plasters himself entirely over Kell, lining their bodies up as he moves in a slow rhythm. It makes it easy for Kell to get a hold of him, moaning when the nails dig in, the touch on his ass encouraging him to push a little deeper. He breaks out of the kiss only when they're both breathless and that's when he starts moving faster, doing the exact thing he'd just done with his mouth, keeping them on the edge. For a few seconds he goes harder, snapping his hips until Kell seems too into it, and then he slows it down again, never stopping the thrusting but changing the tempo. Long strokes inside, almost pulling out entirely to make that full thrust felt.
Jesper encourages both legs around him now so Kell can try and tug him in at his own pace, his mouth biting at Kell's ear, sucking the lobe, making little moans and pants into his ear so he can hear the impact of their lovemaking. ]
I love you, Kell. [ He whispers. ] My sweetest one.
[ In a way, he really is the sweetest in Jesper's heart, because he can be so many things, but he is always Jesper's. In their sex, they belong to each other.
No one can possibly keep it going like that forever and Kell is so open and needy, and they both need more. Jesper kisses his cheek and that is the last nice thing he does, because he really starts to move. He pins Kell to the bed with his weight and pounds him into the mattress, the force of his thrusts enough to make the bed thud almost as loud as the slap of their skin together.
Jesper forces most of his weight on one side so he can hold himself up with an arm and let the other one slip between them. It's a little harder to stroke Kell considering how forceful his own body is being, but between his hand and the friction of their bodies rubbing up against each other, it should be enough. He climbs and climbs and then cries out as he forces his way in deep, still stroking him and moving in small, sharp movements as the bliss falls over him.]
Love you,[ he murmurs, at the height of his pleasure. ]
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Date: 2023-12-28 11:27 am (UTC)That's why Kell keeps coming back to Jesper like he's never done to anyone else. Most of his previous flings were short affairs, shallow and instrumental. He might have wanted to bang the other person. He might have felt genuine attraction. At times, even not only purely physical. At times, even completely sober. Not a single one could compare. Most he largely forgot. As few as they were. He definitely hadn't fantasized, in the slow hours of the day, about getting railed withing the inch of his life by any of them. Men or women, doesn't matter. Not even about fucking them into the ground. It's Jesper who has uncovered this side of him.
And Jesper who gets to reap the benefits of finding out that Kell loves when he fucks him long and deep and thorough. Completely overwhelm him, flood all his senses. Like he's a sandy cliff slowly devoured by the sea. Jesper is the sea, moving in and out of him fast and deep only to slow down when Kell can all but taste the release coming. Kell hooks his legs around him, ankles crossed, pushing his hips upward. All to get Jesper to hit him at a better angle, to pull him deeper, to keep him in longer. He slows his breath intentionally, matching it to the rhythm of Jesper's thrusts. Long inhale in his way in, exhale when he pulls out.
Kell might want to drag it ever slightly longer, but even Antari stamina has limits. He's already shaking, euphoric and lightheaded, muscles trembling from the strain, when Jesper kisses him sweetly on the cheek. Then gives Kell just what he asked for, he takes his breath away. Wave after wave of bone-deep, blinding ecstasy, floodgates open, it just keeps going. It's that last thrust when Jesper's comes inside of him, finally pushes Kell over the edge too. It goes and goes, almost without an end.
But an end comes leaving Kell weak and drained. Even breathing feels like too much of a challenge. The world slowly coming into focus. Kell suddenly feels very aware of Jesper's weight on his, warm and comforting. Crumpled sheets under his bare back. Solid support of the mattress. A pile of his own clothes at the edge of his vision. Throbbing of his muscles still stretched around Jesper's now limp cock. Kell moans. He feels too weak to breath, to lift a single finger, and yet he has to swallow hard when he becomes aware of how Jesper still fills him. And how he'd like to fill him in turn now. How he'd like to throw him on bed and fuck him senseless. Pity he has no strength left to do it. It would have been so wonderful.]
Saints, it was incredible.
[He has enough strength to ramble.]
I love you, Jesper. You're always so good for me.
[As he slowly comes back to his senses, Kell realizes one small detail that escaped his notice before. He laughs. This is extra even for them.]
I'm afraid we might get asked to pay extra for the noise. Look. [He starts kissing Jesper wherever he can reach without moving too much.] You fucked me so well, we moved the whole bed. [He chuckles.] At least the windows are intact. [Unlike with some other people.] I love you. I love you so much.
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Date: 2023-12-31 08:39 pm (UTC)Jesper stays in him even after they've both come, much as he requests on the other end, so he can rest deep inside him and kiss him affectionately. He likes a few seconds of holding onto that closeness, pressing a kiss to each of his cheeks, and only after catching his breath does he pull out. Jesper moves to the side of Kell and immediately curls up right against him, draping an arm over him, pulling him close. Still wanting them to be touching in as many places as possible. It doesn't matter to him they're sticky and spent. It won't be the last time.
He laughs at the reference to the noise and kisses Kell's forehead, running fingers through his bright hair. ]
I have the money. [ Jesper's actually pretty wealthy. Not to the highest level, but enough to keep four people (the Crows) comfortable. ] Wait until the morning when you'll be in me, we could break the bed if we're not careful.
[ Jesper assumes they can have their second bout after some sleep and rest, there's no hurry, they have each other's bodies to explore. But Kell is quite the stallion in the bedroom and this was nothing compared to the noises he gets out of Jesper's mouth. And Jesper never censors himself. He'll be as loud as he damn well wants to. Sorry everyone else. ]
I actually did think I'd love you after our first time in the bedroom. So it's not a surprise to me.
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Date: 2024-01-07 01:07 am (UTC)He groans at the mention of what else they can do to the bed. This is no empty joke, but a real threat. Kell knows how destructively excited he can be when he gets his hands on Jesper. Hands, lips, teeth, dick. Even still sweetly curled against Jesper, Kell feels the first flash of need. Saints, how much he wants him! This man drives him the most pleasant kind of crazy. He purrs against Jesper's skin.]
Then I'm lucky that you do, because I don't.
[Kell chuckles. When he's not furious and frustrated, he finds his forever precarious financial situation ironic to the point of funny. He's grown as a prince for fucks sake! Money was never issue for him. It is so annoying he has to remember that he doesn't have near infinite means here. When he's fed with being mad he can make himself see it as hilarious. For the sheer contrast with the rest of his life.
So it's quite surprising that relying on Jesper this evening feels so hot. Being provided for is completely new for him. New and unexpectedly exciting.]
You have no idea how much it costs to publish a book. Especially, one with so much fucking in it as mine.
Speaking of fucking-- [Kell begrudgingly resigns to reality that they can't go wild as they do in Horizon. They need rest, they need break and they need sleep. But it's worth it. It always is. Kell shifts slightly so he can remain plastered against Jesper with every inch of his skin, but he can also growl a promise into his ear.] I am going to fuck you so hard, we might as well break this bed in the morning.
[This is were they differ. Kell got totally blindsided by his feelings for Jesper. For how long he tried to avoid putting a name to them while he already has been hopelessly smitten. But there are reasons for his irrational behavior. For his blindness, for his denial. Daring to love has never ended good for him. Those two times that he could not fight it.]
It was to me. [Kell closes his eyes. It's easier like that. When nothing he sees distracts him, when he feels Jesper's warmth, hears his breath, the weight of his arms around him. He feels safe.] I don't really have feelings for people. Not the good ones. I ever fell in love twice in my life before. Neither felt like what I feel for you. How I feel with you. It's sex, yes, sex is great. I have no words to describe how much I want you. There's not a moment when I don't want to drag you to some secluded place and just fuck. Saints, I cannot count how many times I was daydreaming about fucking you while I should be working or studying. But it's not all. It would have been so easy if it was just sex.
[Kell opens his eyes, staring right at Jesper.]
It's not just sex. I understand nothing of this. I don't understand why I could just sit in the room with you, not even touching, just sharing the same space, and it would already make me happy. Fuck, knowing you exist somewhere there, even when there are two countries between us, it already makes me happy. How crazy is that?
We can wrap here or on yours!
From:then it's a wrap :)
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