He feels like he needs to sit down. But he already is sitting down.
Love. Jesper loved him? And he loved Kaz and Inej and other people? None of this was anything Wylan knew how to deal with. He wasn't even sure if he loved Jesper- no, that wasn't true. He knew he loved Jesper, he was just nowhere near ready to start acknowledging that. They had been kissing for two days, Jesper was going to live with him but they hadn't exactly talked about it. He was only just starting to accept that he was someone who was capable of being loved. That he was good enough. Was he good enough?
It was like watching Jesper with Kuwei all over again, only he was just hearing about it. Still, that uncomfortable feeling rose up in him and he moved back, putting space between them so he could breathe. "I don't know what you want me to say."
Jesper lets him go because he wants to respect him having space to figure shit out. It's not as if any of this is easy, and he gets that, he really does. He agreed to monogamy with Wylan because he wanted to see what it was like and he felt he could do it. And it was true. For that year, he never touched anyone else, and he was happy. But things changed for him here.
"You don't have to say anything. I just don't want to lie to you or hide anything." He's miserable about it. He always knew this could happen and that he would need to have this conversation if it did. The last thing he wants to do is hurt him. "You deserved to know before you kept kissing me."
Jesper sighs and looks away from him. "Wy, what I've found is that my heart isn't cut into one piece. It can be cut into many pieces and it's still all real. I love you, I really do. You don't have less of my heart because other people have parts of it."
It's a good thing Jesper looks away because Wylan winces at his words. He feels himself pulling back into himself like he hasn't in months, not since they started the ice court job.
"I really need you to stop saying that." He tries to keep his voice steady and he's pretty sure he does a good job at it.
There is a pause and then he nods, moving back on the bed a little to give Wylan space. "I understand. Let's just ... talk about this place and what you need to know." Jesper doesn't need an exact answer from Wylan now and it's stupid to even imply as much. He's stated his feelings and where he's at, that has to be enough.
Except who knows if it'll ever be enough. If he can ever be enough. He thought he was for Mat and look how that went.
"Um, if you want to go into the Horizon, I can take you."
Wylan shakes his head. If he gets any more information he thinks his brain might explode, or he might burst into tears and he does not want to cry in front of Jesper again. One time was bad enough.
"No-I think. I think I need to go...take a walk or something?" He stands up and then pauses. Jes per hasn't actually asked him to stay here with them. "I don't- uh. I don't want to go back to that military base though."
Jesper's been so on edge lately that even one more touch at his abandonment issues makes him want to throw up. He swallows it down and looks at the floor. "I get it, I'm around." For when he needs someone, always.
"Oh, uh. Just ask Mags, the woman downstairs. She'll get you set up in a room here. All the Summoned get to live here." He would suggest he stay with Kaz but that could be weird right now too. As long as he's in the inn, he's safe.
Wylan nods, not sure why that feels even worse. He doesn't need someone to help him set up accommodation, he did it on his own before he can again. He's the one that needed some space.
"Oh, okay. I'll...I'll be back later then. We can. We can talk more?" He needs to leave before he makes this worse. He glances at Jesper and feels his own heart break as he makes for the door, pulling it open and stepping outside. he closes it behind him before letting himself lean against it softly. Letting his eyes well with tears for a moment before he swallows them down, he won't be that person anymore. He pushes off the door and goes to do what he said. A walk to clear his head.
Wylan's reappearance has made everything more complicated, and that is saying a great deal. He thought it was bad enough for him to get a year of a happy life placed into his head, although at the time it just made him glad to know that things worked out for them back there. Because he still thought it would mean it is not his life anymore. Then Wylan's here and it's all wrong. Just his luck.
He watches Wylan go, wanting so much to reach out and beg him to stay or ask for his patience. He's had a shitty month and it was nice to sit with him again, to touch him. Instead Jesper just sits there dejected and once Wylan's gone he lies on his back on the bed and puts his hands over his face. Just another fantastic day.
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no subject
Date: 2023-04-11 06:04 am (UTC)Love. Jesper loved him? And he loved Kaz and Inej and other people? None of this was anything Wylan knew how to deal with. He wasn't even sure if he loved Jesper- no, that wasn't true. He knew he loved Jesper, he was just nowhere near ready to start acknowledging that. They had been kissing for two days, Jesper was going to live with him but they hadn't exactly talked about it. He was only just starting to accept that he was someone who was capable of being loved. That he was good enough. Was he good enough?
It was like watching Jesper with Kuwei all over again, only he was just hearing about it. Still, that uncomfortable feeling rose up in him and he moved back, putting space between them so he could breathe. "I don't know what you want me to say."
no subject
Date: 2023-04-11 04:56 pm (UTC)"You don't have to say anything. I just don't want to lie to you or hide anything." He's miserable about it. He always knew this could happen and that he would need to have this conversation if it did. The last thing he wants to do is hurt him. "You deserved to know before you kept kissing me."
Jesper sighs and looks away from him. "Wy, what I've found is that my heart isn't cut into one piece. It can be cut into many pieces and it's still all real. I love you, I really do. You don't have less of my heart because other people have parts of it."
no subject
Date: 2023-04-12 12:16 am (UTC)"I really need you to stop saying that." He tries to keep his voice steady and he's pretty sure he does a good job at it.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-12 12:22 am (UTC)Except who knows if it'll ever be enough. If he can ever be enough. He thought he was for Mat and look how that went.
"Um, if you want to go into the Horizon, I can take you."
no subject
Date: 2023-04-12 12:35 am (UTC)"No-I think. I think I need to go...take a walk or something?" He stands up and then pauses. Jes per hasn't actually asked him to stay here with them. "I don't- uh. I don't want to go back to that military base though."
no subject
Date: 2023-04-12 12:41 am (UTC)"Oh, uh. Just ask Mags, the woman downstairs. She'll get you set up in a room here. All the Summoned get to live here." He would suggest he stay with Kaz but that could be weird right now too. As long as he's in the inn, he's safe.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-12 04:09 am (UTC)"Oh, okay. I'll...I'll be back later then. We can. We can talk more?" He needs to leave before he makes this worse. He glances at Jesper and feels his own heart break as he makes for the door, pulling it open and stepping outside. he closes it behind him before letting himself lean against it softly. Letting his eyes well with tears for a moment before he swallows them down, he won't be that person anymore. He pushes off the door and goes to do what he said. A walk to clear his head.
and finished
Date: 2023-04-13 06:46 pm (UTC)He watches Wylan go, wanting so much to reach out and beg him to stay or ask for his patience. He's had a shitty month and it was nice to sit with him again, to touch him. Instead Jesper just sits there dejected and once Wylan's gone he lies on his back on the bed and puts his hands over his face. Just another fantastic day.