[Aren't they similar in some ways? Ways Kell would never expect from anyone, least of all Jesper. The skin crawling thing. The people looking, but not seeing thing. How can you be so different and yet so similar. He understands now why they can do unspeakably terrible things to each other, and why it feels so good. For him it's burning of this restless energy that threatens to incinerate him from the inside, channeling it into something focused, something useful. Not just cruelty for cruelty's sake.]
It's awful. Your dad. He should have protected the real you, not the idea of you he had in his head.
[Kell is not half as eloquent as Jesper is, but he too felt so strongly the pain of rejection of who he really was. Half of the stupid things he did was in retaliation to Maxim not treating him like a son he was supposed to be to him. To Tieren for lying to him for his first years of his life in the palace that he was a prince, and their son. His own choices never being good enough to even be acknowledged.]
I think [Kell hesitates, but pushes through. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he's spoiled princeling just like Lila had said. He wouldn't know until says it.] I think I know what you mean when you say your skin crawls. That you cannot sit still.
I get this too. Antari magic is like a waterfall. Like this living maelstrom inside me. Like it has a will of its own. It wants to create, to change, to transform. If I can't, it builds and builds, eating away at me until I do something with it. But if I use it, it only wants more. It's like trying to tame a hurricane. I had to learn to control it, it took years, and still sometimes I slip...
[Kell bites his lower lip. He knows he's rambling, but there is a point he's trying to make. That's why the Pit messed him up so much that he hasn't yet recovered.]
What I'm trying to say is, I know no one can fix me. [A rare moment of self-reflection on his part.] Even if sometimes I wish someone could. But you're saying you'll have me anyway, and I ... I think you're absolutely perfect as you are.
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Date: 2023-10-20 09:31 pm (UTC)It's awful. Your dad. He should have protected the real you, not the idea of you he had in his head.
[Kell is not half as eloquent as Jesper is, but he too felt so strongly the pain of rejection of who he really was. Half of the stupid things he did was in retaliation to Maxim not treating him like a son he was supposed to be to him. To Tieren for lying to him for his first years of his life in the palace that he was a prince, and their son. His own choices never being good enough to even be acknowledged.]
I think [Kell hesitates, but pushes through. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he's spoiled princeling just like Lila had said. He wouldn't know until says it.] I think I know what you mean when you say your skin crawls. That you cannot sit still.
I get this too. Antari magic is like a waterfall. Like this living maelstrom inside me. Like it has a will of its own. It wants to create, to change, to transform. If I can't, it builds and builds, eating away at me until I do something with it. But if I use it, it only wants more. It's like trying to tame a hurricane. I had to learn to control it, it took years, and still sometimes I slip...
[Kell bites his lower lip. He knows he's rambling, but there is a point he's trying to make. That's why the Pit messed him up so much that he hasn't yet recovered.]
What I'm trying to say is, I know no one can fix me. [A rare moment of self-reflection on his part.] Even if sometimes I wish someone could. But you're saying you'll have me anyway, and I ... I think you're absolutely perfect as you are.