[ Jesper is happy to cuddle so he moves onto his side to face Kell and loops an arm around him, curling in close to him. He lets him take his hand but it's clear that even the confession disturbs him. Some of his cheerful walls are coming down and he sighs, running his thumb along Kell's knuckles. ]
I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.
no subject
I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.