Thanks, Jesper. That's probably better way of looking at it. I just ... [Kell shrugs. He doesn't have good words to describe the maddening mix of frustration, anger and fear that flood his brain in those moments. The way it makes his heart race and chest tighten even thinking about it.] I hate being so limited. I hate feeling so, well, weak. [He's an Antari. Nothing like that should have ever happened to him. And yet it did.]
We're not really good at talking. I mean, especially me. Well, actually, mostly me. Rhy is very good at talking. To the point that I don't always know when he's serious or just teasing. But it's also...yeah, getting me to talk usually requires criminal amount of alcohol. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth.
[That's part of their problem. They know each other for so long and so well, it sometimes slides into expecting that the other would know without asking. Because they so often do. Kell, for his part, hates talking about problems. His usual tactic is to run away, wait them out in hope they will resolve themselves. Definitely not talk.]
Yeah, he wouldn't. He hates it when I keep things from him, and I don't want to, but ... [Kell sighs. A long, tired exhale of someone know he's doing wrong, but can't do right for too many reasons, all of them too complicated. Where in fact, it's actually simple. It's just him making things more complicated then they should be.] I still do. I just, I don't know, I ... I have no idea how to talk about some things. It's a lot. Too much. I don't want to. Like the Pit. I just want to forget about the whole thing, but it fucking keeps coming back all the time. Like as if it won't ever leave me alone. All I want is to forget, and at least pretend I'm like I was before it. Even if I know that I'm not. I just want it to go away.
[Kell never told anyone the whole story. Not even Rhy. Though Rhy got the most. In pieces, across weeks, still not all. Kell shakes his head.]
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Date: 2023-11-08 05:22 pm (UTC)We're not really good at talking. I mean, especially me. Well, actually, mostly me. Rhy is very good at talking. To the point that I don't always know when he's serious or just teasing. But it's also...yeah, getting me to talk usually requires criminal amount of alcohol. Otherwise, it's like pulling teeth.
[That's part of their problem. They know each other for so long and so well, it sometimes slides into expecting that the other would know without asking. Because they so often do. Kell, for his part, hates talking about problems. His usual tactic is to run away, wait them out in hope they will resolve themselves. Definitely not talk.]
Yeah, he wouldn't. He hates it when I keep things from him, and I don't want to, but ... [Kell sighs. A long, tired exhale of someone know he's doing wrong, but can't do right for too many reasons, all of them too complicated. Where in fact, it's actually simple. It's just him making things more complicated then they should be.] I still do. I just, I don't know, I ... I have no idea how to talk about some things. It's a lot. Too much. I don't want to. Like the Pit. I just want to forget about the whole thing, but it fucking keeps coming back all the time. Like as if it won't ever leave me alone. All I want is to forget, and at least pretend I'm like I was before it. Even if I know that I'm not. I just want it to go away.
[Kell never told anyone the whole story. Not even Rhy. Though Rhy got the most. In pieces, across weeks, still not all. Kell shakes his head.]
I just want it to go away.