[Unhealthy. What was ever either of Kell's whole two romantic relations up to this point other than unhealthy? He's never gone anything less than full in. With jealous, desperate, obsessive need. He knows how it feels to be unable to live without the other person. To be willing to die for them. This what love was always for him. A suffocating, all-devouring firestorm.
What he feels for Jesper is anything but that. Because he feels things for him. It's not only desire anymore. He's just too afraid to name them. As if putting a word on it would break the spell, and he likes what they have too much. It feels good, and safe, and ... happy. Unlike anything before.
But it doesn't mean he agree when Jesper says they are not broken. He might not be, but Kell knows he is.]
If I'm not broken than why can't I go out on my own when it's dark outside again? I thought I was fine. It's kind of annoying to come to Nocwich when I'm like that. [He sighs. Jesper can't know. He didn't see him right after the Pit.] After the kidnappings, when we were back, and they finally let me out of infirmary. [After his close encounter with an avalanche, Kell was one of the last out.] I found that if it was night, and the street was completely empty, I would just freeze. There was nothing there, but I couldn't move. I had to call Kyle or Rhy to walk me back from the teashop to the castle.
I got better with time. I thought it went away. That it was gone.
But then the rifts started appearing, then the beasts, then Kyle landed in the infirmary, Rhy got hurt, and next thing I know I stand at the door, it's dark outside, not a soul on the street, and I feel it again. The same fucking dread. And I cannot move. What is that other than broken?
[Kell shrugs. He had no one to call that time, so eventually, he got out and walked all way to the castle feeling he'd die every step of the way. But he did it. And never said a word to Rhy. Last thing he wanted was for him to worry when he was supposed to rest and heal. Somehow, Rhy knew anyway.]
I think so? We don't really talk about such things a lot, but he was always able to read right through me. [For many, very complicated and equally as many very simple reasons. Now he just shivers.] He would have known for sure back home, and most likely be pretty annoyed at me too. We had a bond back there. Here, we don't. Singularity stole it from me. [Why he did nothing to get it back is a whole deal on its own.]
Rhy doesn't like it here. [An understatement of a century. It's not only being ripped away from your home, your life and your family. Some of it is Kell's fault too.] I'm the one better off, not him.
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Date: 2023-10-25 05:55 am (UTC)What he feels for Jesper is anything but that. Because he feels things for him. It's not only desire anymore. He's just too afraid to name them. As if putting a word on it would break the spell, and he likes what they have too much. It feels good, and safe, and ... happy. Unlike anything before.
But it doesn't mean he agree when Jesper says they are not broken. He might not be, but Kell knows he is.]
If I'm not broken than why can't I go out on my own when it's dark outside again? I thought I was fine. It's kind of annoying to come to Nocwich when I'm like that. [He sighs. Jesper can't know. He didn't see him right after the Pit.] After the kidnappings, when we were back, and they finally let me out of infirmary. [After his close encounter with an avalanche, Kell was one of the last out.] I found that if it was night, and the street was completely empty, I would just freeze. There was nothing there, but I couldn't move. I had to call Kyle or Rhy to walk me back from the teashop to the castle.
I got better with time. I thought it went away. That it was gone.
But then the rifts started appearing, then the beasts, then Kyle landed in the infirmary, Rhy got hurt, and next thing I know I stand at the door, it's dark outside, not a soul on the street, and I feel it again. The same fucking dread. And I cannot move. What is that other than broken?
[Kell shrugs. He had no one to call that time, so eventually, he got out and walked all way to the castle feeling he'd die every step of the way. But he did it. And never said a word to Rhy. Last thing he wanted was for him to worry when he was supposed to rest and heal. Somehow, Rhy knew anyway.]
I think so? We don't really talk about such things a lot, but he was always able to read right through me. [For many, very complicated and equally as many very simple reasons. Now he just shivers.] He would have known for sure back home, and most likely be pretty annoyed at me too. We had a bond back there. Here, we don't. Singularity stole it from me. [Why he did nothing to get it back is a whole deal on its own.]
Rhy doesn't like it here. [An understatement of a century. It's not only being ripped away from your home, your life and your family. Some of it is Kell's fault too.] I'm the one better off, not him.