[ Jesper pauses and considers before continuing. He usually is someone who can be a support system for others without sharing much of himself. A cipher that way, and it's not because he's hiding anything, it's just due to an instinct to put others first. He's got a good head on his shoulders and some unwavering confidence and he surrounds himself with people who could use someone like him driving them forward. But this is fair enough, for him to share where this understanding comes from. ]
My dad is a good man but he never really saw me. He forced me to hide who I was, made me feel like it was something to be afraid and ashamed of, and doing so made me sick. Grisha get sick if they don't use their abilities, usually visibly they are, but for me, it's in my mind. Addiction, adrenaline seeking, impulsivity. My skin always feels like it's crawling and I can't sit still, even when I use my powers more like now. And I always fall back into it when I'm stressed or struggling.
[ Like a warm tight glove that feels right to wrap himself in whenever he's in a bad place. And it always is followed up by Jesper feeling ashamed and messed up, and hating himself when he usually doesn't. It's when those bad things in his brain win him, overpower his sense. It's a pattern though, started for him long ago. He's no stranger to parents that fuck you up, even if he did know his father loved him. ]
When he found out what I became, that I was a criminal, he was so angry and disappointed in me. All the love that I felt for myself, my genuine happiness at being a Crow, it was gone in a second.
[ There is something to be said for the disappointment of a parent being damned terrible. He loved his father, perhaps put him on a pedestal. He lied to him out of fear of rejection and that's exactly what happened to him. Rejection. Jesper still feels that pain now, because they made some peace, sure, but it doesn't change that Colm isn't happy with what he does. He was glad that he and Wylan did their own thing, but he would never accept Jesper being a Crow, not truly. ]
What I'm saying is everyone struggles with loving themselves, whether from internal or external conflict. But the people who love you as you are can't fix how you see yourself. Only you can do that.
[ Jesper had the love of the other Crows and Wylan tried to help him, but he had to help himself. Just as he can tell Kell all he wants to ignore Rhy's parents, but he can't solve it for Kell. But maybe it'll help to know that even someone as confident and positive as Jesper struggles with issues of self-worth. It's not something he shares widely so Kell is now being pulled into a confidante situation. Jesper trusts him. ]
What you did to deserve me was by being you, sweetheart. You don't have to convince me of your worth as a friend and lover.
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Date: 2023-10-19 01:51 pm (UTC)[ Jesper pauses and considers before continuing. He usually is someone who can be a support system for others without sharing much of himself. A cipher that way, and it's not because he's hiding anything, it's just due to an instinct to put others first. He's got a good head on his shoulders and some unwavering confidence and he surrounds himself with people who could use someone like him driving them forward. But this is fair enough, for him to share where this understanding comes from. ]
My dad is a good man but he never really saw me. He forced me to hide who I was, made me feel like it was something to be afraid and ashamed of, and doing so made me sick. Grisha get sick if they don't use their abilities, usually visibly they are, but for me, it's in my mind. Addiction, adrenaline seeking, impulsivity. My skin always feels like it's crawling and I can't sit still, even when I use my powers more like now. And I always fall back into it when I'm stressed or struggling.
[ Like a warm tight glove that feels right to wrap himself in whenever he's in a bad place. And it always is followed up by Jesper feeling ashamed and messed up, and hating himself when he usually doesn't. It's when those bad things in his brain win him, overpower his sense. It's a pattern though, started for him long ago. He's no stranger to parents that fuck you up, even if he did know his father loved him. ]
When he found out what I became, that I was a criminal, he was so angry and disappointed in me. All the love that I felt for myself, my genuine happiness at being a Crow, it was gone in a second.
[ There is something to be said for the disappointment of a parent being damned terrible. He loved his father, perhaps put him on a pedestal. He lied to him out of fear of rejection and that's exactly what happened to him. Rejection. Jesper still feels that pain now, because they made some peace, sure, but it doesn't change that Colm isn't happy with what he does. He was glad that he and Wylan did their own thing, but he would never accept Jesper being a Crow, not truly. ]
What I'm saying is everyone struggles with loving themselves, whether from internal or external conflict. But the people who love you as you are can't fix how you see yourself. Only you can do that.
[ Jesper had the love of the other Crows and Wylan tried to help him, but he had to help himself. Just as he can tell Kell all he wants to ignore Rhy's parents, but he can't solve it for Kell. But maybe it'll help to know that even someone as confident and positive as Jesper struggles with issues of self-worth. It's not something he shares widely so Kell is now being pulled into a confidante situation. Jesper trusts him. ]
What you did to deserve me was by being you, sweetheart. You don't have to convince me of your worth as a friend and lover.