Jesper Fahey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
itookashot) wrote2022-01-31 12:16 pm
itookashot) wrote2022-01-31 12:16 pm
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( and how is he supposed to answer jesper's busy taking his shirt off? obviously nikolai's going to be paying more attention to that.
he let's jesper pull the shirt off, sliding his hands through his hair once it's off before he reaches a hand around jesper's neck and pulls him in for a hard kiss.
he'll answer in a moment. answer with words, at least. he thinks this is a pretty good way to talk too. )
he let's jesper pull the shirt off, sliding his hands through his hair once it's off before he reaches a hand around jesper's neck and pulls him in for a hard kiss.
he'll answer in a moment. answer with words, at least. he thinks this is a pretty good way to talk too. )
( Jesper moans the moment their lips meet again and he fully throws himself into it, sliding arms up his bare chest and into his hair to properly muss it back up. His tongue plunges into Nikolai's mouth to explore his mouth and his hands drop back down to undo his pants again. Apparently he is all about getting Nikolai naked as fast as possible; it was such a tease to only get a little bit before.
His own clothed body presses up against him but Nikolai can feel him hot and hard through his pants as he kisses until they're out of breath.)
You're beautiful. And damned if I don't want to go down on you again.
( Jesper laughs breathlessly at that, he's eternally thirsty.)
His own clothed body presses up against him but Nikolai can feel him hot and hard through his pants as he kisses until they're out of breath.)
You're beautiful. And damned if I don't want to go down on you again.
( Jesper laughs breathlessly at that, he's eternally thirsty.)
Well of course they will, everyone loves me.
[ See he can bounce back from his momentary insecurity! Hilda may be able to see though with that switch that a lot of it is him bullshitting. His confidence can be real but it can also be hiding the parts of him that he doesn't want everyone to know about. It's easier to be brave and bold and pretend than be honest about the ways in which he doesn't have the highest opinion of himself. It's a complicated tightrope to walk down.
He is good with people though. That's always been one of his primary skills, honed after years of being fairly isolated from everyone else. Another detail not known to most, it would seem like Jesper's always been popular and surrounded by people. It's not the case, he was isolated as a youth, and only after coming to Ketterdam was he able to become his extroverted and warm self.
But he is excited at the idea, now that he's successfully been persuaded to try it out. His hobby made into something he's passionate about? Is that even possible? Apparently he'll find out.
Because Jesper has just revealed a little of his inner self, he's quick to notice it in Hilda too and he gives her an amused look. ]
How about we both give ourselves some credit and say it's something we both could do ... if we wanted to? If you wanted to. There's a bunch of ways I can see using your enchantments as perfect additions to fashion.
[ See he can bounce back from his momentary insecurity! Hilda may be able to see though with that switch that a lot of it is him bullshitting. His confidence can be real but it can also be hiding the parts of him that he doesn't want everyone to know about. It's easier to be brave and bold and pretend than be honest about the ways in which he doesn't have the highest opinion of himself. It's a complicated tightrope to walk down.
He is good with people though. That's always been one of his primary skills, honed after years of being fairly isolated from everyone else. Another detail not known to most, it would seem like Jesper's always been popular and surrounded by people. It's not the case, he was isolated as a youth, and only after coming to Ketterdam was he able to become his extroverted and warm self.
But he is excited at the idea, now that he's successfully been persuaded to try it out. His hobby made into something he's passionate about? Is that even possible? Apparently he'll find out.
Because Jesper has just revealed a little of his inner self, he's quick to notice it in Hilda too and he gives her an amused look. ]
How about we both give ourselves some credit and say it's something we both could do ... if we wanted to? If you wanted to. There's a bunch of ways I can see using your enchantments as perfect additions to fashion.
[ Her lips quirk slightly as his confidence returns in full force. Jesper’s bounce back is a familiar technique, one that she’s employed herself on more than one occasion especially as of late. For a moment she can’t help but pause; is she merely projecting onto him what she knows she does? Or had Jesper trusted her enough to show him a little more behind the cheerful ease that he wore and breathed?
Absently she thinks that he doesn’t have to try so hard around her. She’s interacted with enough nobles now to discern when people are being insincere or putting on a front for politeness sake. She’s also interacted with Jesper enough now to know that he’s as genuine as the sun is warm; there is no part of him that is insincere when it comes to how much he cares for those around him.
So perhaps if it is that he’s allowed her to see a little more behind the curtain of the ever bright presence that he is — that means all the more to her than he may ever know. There’s a beat before she admits in that same, sheepish tone - ]
I’ve been helping to make some costume jewelry and crowns for the stage. Everything else has been pretty simple so far. Costume jewelry is so different from something someone would wear every day after all. I wouldn’t even know how to being pricing them or where to begin selling them.
[ Just because she was friends with some of the local jewelry shops in town didn’t mean that they would necessarily sell the things she made. ]
Absently she thinks that he doesn’t have to try so hard around her. She’s interacted with enough nobles now to discern when people are being insincere or putting on a front for politeness sake. She’s also interacted with Jesper enough now to know that he’s as genuine as the sun is warm; there is no part of him that is insincere when it comes to how much he cares for those around him.
So perhaps if it is that he’s allowed her to see a little more behind the curtain of the ever bright presence that he is — that means all the more to her than he may ever know. There’s a beat before she admits in that same, sheepish tone - ]
I’ve been helping to make some costume jewelry and crowns for the stage. Everything else has been pretty simple so far. Costume jewelry is so different from something someone would wear every day after all. I wouldn’t even know how to being pricing them or where to begin selling them.
[ Just because she was friends with some of the local jewelry shops in town didn’t mean that they would necessarily sell the things she made. ]
That's right. My eloquence knows no bounds. Obviously.
[Sarcasm is better than his previous agitated brooding, but Kell is still far from fine. He leans forward, rests his forehead on Jesper's shoulder, eyes closed, and for a long moment he just breathes. Soaking in Jesper's warmth and closeness.]
It's a lot, but that's my problem. I don't want to dump it on anyone. Not Rhy, not you. To add my weight to problems that other people already have. I don't want to burden people I love. [He sighs, frustration mixed with sheer, plain exhaustion.] But it's too much. I'm not used to breaking under pressure, but now? Everything seems to be happening non-stop and I can't catch a break. I don't know if talking will help. I surely don't want to. I feel too tired to talk. All I can think of is how I just want a moment of peace, so can catch my damned breath.
[That might be it. Yes, a lot is happening, but it's on him too. His frantic running around, filling every waking minute with activity, stopping only to eat and barely sleep? Running away from bad memories yes, but also not giving himself a chance to properly rest.]
I'm so tired, Jesper.
[Sarcasm is better than his previous agitated brooding, but Kell is still far from fine. He leans forward, rests his forehead on Jesper's shoulder, eyes closed, and for a long moment he just breathes. Soaking in Jesper's warmth and closeness.]
It's a lot, but that's my problem. I don't want to dump it on anyone. Not Rhy, not you. To add my weight to problems that other people already have. I don't want to burden people I love. [He sighs, frustration mixed with sheer, plain exhaustion.] But it's too much. I'm not used to breaking under pressure, but now? Everything seems to be happening non-stop and I can't catch a break. I don't know if talking will help. I surely don't want to. I feel too tired to talk. All I can think of is how I just want a moment of peace, so can catch my damned breath.
[That might be it. Yes, a lot is happening, but it's on him too. His frantic running around, filling every waking minute with activity, stopping only to eat and barely sleep? Running away from bad memories yes, but also not giving himself a chance to properly rest.]
I'm so tired, Jesper.
And while I might be greedy and take you up on that any other time —
( today, he has other plans. today, he's not going to be selfish and greedy though it will take a lot of control.
reaching down, nikolai's hand cups jesper through his trousers, giving him a little squeeze. )
Think this needs some attention first.
( today, he has other plans. today, he's not going to be selfish and greedy though it will take a lot of control.
reaching down, nikolai's hand cups jesper through his trousers, giving him a little squeeze. )
Think this needs some attention first.
[ Jesper's sunny honesty is a staple of his being but she hasn't seen him when he's at his lowest, and generally he prefers it that way. He can crash very hard and it does come from that place she just saw, the uncertainty and the lack of confidence in a particular part of himself. He's spent most of his life being very, very good at certain things, and he's always put all his energy and confidence into that. This is a more creative outlet, something softer than his guns and his smarts, something his mother would love.
He did let Hilda witness a vulnerability he doesn't often let on, since usually he flashes a smile and covers it all up. And he has that instinct now, which he's doing by trying to move past it, but it's not because he's hiding from her, like he sometimes does. Jesper's gotten to the point of trust in her when she can know that he occasionally doesn't think he's amazing at everything he does. ]
Well I've been selling jewelry for a while, I've got a good idea of it. But if I'm making clothes, I don't have time for both.
[ Jesper shrugs. ]
Have you seen some of the Aquila fashion? They seem to love colorful looks. And while we may not live in the Feywilds, I think it'd be fun to bring some of that style here, wouldn't you say?
He did let Hilda witness a vulnerability he doesn't often let on, since usually he flashes a smile and covers it all up. And he has that instinct now, which he's doing by trying to move past it, but it's not because he's hiding from her, like he sometimes does. Jesper's gotten to the point of trust in her when she can know that he occasionally doesn't think he's amazing at everything he does. ]
Well I've been selling jewelry for a while, I've got a good idea of it. But if I'm making clothes, I don't have time for both.
[ Jesper shrugs. ]
Have you seen some of the Aquila fashion? They seem to love colorful looks. And while we may not live in the Feywilds, I think it'd be fun to bring some of that style here, wouldn't you say?
[ Better to be able to admit that you're good at some things than deflect and say that you're good at nothing at all though! Not that that's what Hilda is doing. Not in the least.
She can't say for certain if what Jesper says is an offer to help price her creations if she ever got to that point, but she appreciates it all the same. Knowing that someone, a friend specifically, is encouraging it at all gives her some solace. It becomes more clear though as he poses his question to her. Her eyes light up at the mention of Aquila and the city's take on colour, fun and daring and a light slowly seems to grow in her eyes. ]
You mean together? [ Her lips twitch a little at the thought. ] I did always wish that it would be fun to see more variety in how people decide to dress here. Not that it's bad, it just tends to err on the side of neutral colours.
[ There's an argument in there for practicality or something along those lines. Cadens was a military town, one that favoured innovation and science over fashion and the arts. And while that was fine, it certainly wasn't vibrant as it could be. ]
She can't say for certain if what Jesper says is an offer to help price her creations if she ever got to that point, but she appreciates it all the same. Knowing that someone, a friend specifically, is encouraging it at all gives her some solace. It becomes more clear though as he poses his question to her. Her eyes light up at the mention of Aquila and the city's take on colour, fun and daring and a light slowly seems to grow in her eyes. ]
You mean together? [ Her lips twitch a little at the thought. ] I did always wish that it would be fun to see more variety in how people decide to dress here. Not that it's bad, it just tends to err on the side of neutral colours.
[ There's an argument in there for practicality or something along those lines. Cadens was a military town, one that favoured innovation and science over fashion and the arts. And while that was fine, it certainly wasn't vibrant as it could be. ]
( Jesper is a giver by nature and he loves pleasing other people, but he knows when to lie back and enjoy it himself. He's a hedonist at his core but in what he considers a very positive way. He follows his pleasures wherever he can, and it brought him to this very sexy king today so his instincts are completely correct.
He groans when Nikolai's hand grips him and he nods eagerly, gripping Nikolai but the hips and pulling him with him toward the bed. Jesper sits back on it and pulls off his own shirt, tossing it to the side and lounging back with a very devilish come hither look.)
Serviced by a king is not something I expected.
He groans when Nikolai's hand grips him and he nods eagerly, gripping Nikolai but the hips and pulling him with him toward the bed. Jesper sits back on it and pulls off his own shirt, tossing it to the side and lounging back with a very devilish come hither look.)
Serviced by a king is not something I expected.
Kell, listen to me. When you love someone, you want to share their burdens. You talking about it with me is a gift, it means you trust me, and that you're letting me be here for you. That's what I want, it makes me happy.
[ Jesper is a champion at the two-way street. Whether it's in friendship or in bed, he never takes something he can't give too. While it is harder for him to share his own struggles, he's so much more comfortable being the support system, he has done better about it. And he does think that if he needed to, he could tell Kell. He trusts him too. ]
Okay, come here, let's lie down together.
[ Jesper tugs Kell gently and kicks off his shoes, moving onto the bed and not in a 'come hither' way, in the more comfortable way one might with a long-term partner or when alone. He has shed his coat and vest to be more comfortable too, so he's dressed down, casual. He pats the bed next to him in a continued request for Kell to join him.
The two of them have sex so frequently that they haven't had a lot of time to simply settle into each other's company, and that's what he wants, which is why he isn't being suggestive or flirtatious. Yes he could distract and comfort Kell with his body, but he's trying it the other way for now. He makes room for Kell to lie down next to him if he takes the invitation. ]
How about I'll share something with you from the outside that fucked me up? That way you aren't the only one.
[ That isn't easy. He is trying. It's why Jesper looks at the ceiling and not at him at first, and he has to take a pause while he decides what he wants to say. ]
I went berserk. There's no better word for it. I've always tried to injure people rather than kill, if possible, but I was not holding back. I tortured people, I killed them, and I enjoyed it. And that's ... not normal for me.
[ Jesper usually gives himself some leeway with the reality that he's a killer. A damned good one at that. He will and does kill, but considering he has gone for the wound instead of the kill, it means he can control himself, that he's not as dark and violent as the people in the Barrel who can't come back. ]
I wanted - I still want - to kill every one of them. If I could get to them in the prison, I think I would've already done it.
[ Jesper is a champion at the two-way street. Whether it's in friendship or in bed, he never takes something he can't give too. While it is harder for him to share his own struggles, he's so much more comfortable being the support system, he has done better about it. And he does think that if he needed to, he could tell Kell. He trusts him too. ]
Okay, come here, let's lie down together.
[ Jesper tugs Kell gently and kicks off his shoes, moving onto the bed and not in a 'come hither' way, in the more comfortable way one might with a long-term partner or when alone. He has shed his coat and vest to be more comfortable too, so he's dressed down, casual. He pats the bed next to him in a continued request for Kell to join him.
The two of them have sex so frequently that they haven't had a lot of time to simply settle into each other's company, and that's what he wants, which is why he isn't being suggestive or flirtatious. Yes he could distract and comfort Kell with his body, but he's trying it the other way for now. He makes room for Kell to lie down next to him if he takes the invitation. ]
How about I'll share something with you from the outside that fucked me up? That way you aren't the only one.
[ That isn't easy. He is trying. It's why Jesper looks at the ceiling and not at him at first, and he has to take a pause while he decides what he wants to say. ]
I went berserk. There's no better word for it. I've always tried to injure people rather than kill, if possible, but I was not holding back. I tortured people, I killed them, and I enjoyed it. And that's ... not normal for me.
[ Jesper usually gives himself some leeway with the reality that he's a killer. A damned good one at that. He will and does kill, but considering he has gone for the wound instead of the kill, it means he can control himself, that he's not as dark and violent as the people in the Barrel who can't come back. ]
I wanted - I still want - to kill every one of them. If I could get to them in the prison, I think I would've already done it.
You know, you're one of the few who knows about that.
( the king thing. he smirks, shamelessly taking in jesper's form before he starts walking towards jesper at the other man's request.
once he's close enough, he dips his head down and licks a stripe against jesper's shoulder. )
( the king thing. he smirks, shamelessly taking in jesper's form before he starts walking towards jesper at the other man's request.
once he's close enough, he dips his head down and licks a stripe against jesper's shoulder. )
You should tell more people, it's a real turn-on.
( His fingers run through Nikolai's hair now that they can, he's definitely thought about how silky and pretty his hair was. Nikolai's body does not disappoint under that clothing and he tilts his head in a clear invitation to take advantage of his neck if he'd like to.
Most things are a turn-on to him but he is confident that a royal throne would get many people going.)
But it wasn't your title that got me wanting to go on my knees in front of you from day one. ( He smirks.) That would be your face. So pretty.
( His fingers run through Nikolai's hair now that they can, he's definitely thought about how silky and pretty his hair was. Nikolai's body does not disappoint under that clothing and he tilts his head in a clear invitation to take advantage of his neck if he'd like to.
Most things are a turn-on to him but he is confident that a royal throne would get many people going.)
But it wasn't your title that got me wanting to go on my knees in front of you from day one. ( He smirks.) That would be your face. So pretty.
I don't know, I think I like it being a secret. Nice to spring on people when they least expect it.
( after a brief moment of attention elsewhere, nikolai's hand returns to jesper's cock and he squeezes firmly, laughing at how hard he's already gotten. )
But enough about me, really. I think we should both work on doing something about all this. Do you agree?
( after a brief moment of attention elsewhere, nikolai's hand returns to jesper's cock and he squeezes firmly, laughing at how hard he's already gotten. )
But enough about me, really. I think we should both work on doing something about all this. Do you agree?
Hold on.
( Jesper doesn't mind expediting the process by undoing his pants and getting them off him, considering he had to walk around hard in them and he could use the relief of being free. Also it makes it easier for whatever Nikolai plans on doing for him. Now he's stretched out naked on the bed and very happy to be there.)
Please, by all means, your highness, help a poor criminal out.
( Since they did start this joking about a book being written about their separate roles and how that could make it hot. And it is, in fact, very hot in Jesper's opinion.)
( Jesper doesn't mind expediting the process by undoing his pants and getting them off him, considering he had to walk around hard in them and he could use the relief of being free. Also it makes it easier for whatever Nikolai plans on doing for him. Now he's stretched out naked on the bed and very happy to be there.)
Please, by all means, your highness, help a poor criminal out.
( Since they did start this joking about a book being written about their separate roles and how that could make it hot. And it is, in fact, very hot in Jesper's opinion.)
( deciding to be greedy for a moment, nikolai just enjoys the sight of jesper spread out there on the bed, naked. he looks, savors, and enjoys before he crawls closer.
his mouth finds the swell of one of jesper's hips and he bites down lightly, licking the spot before wasting no time and moving his mouth over to jesper's cock.
he let's his cock rest heavily against his tongue for a moment before taking him in a further and letting him hit the back of his throat, seeing what kind of reaction that got from the other man. )
his mouth finds the swell of one of jesper's hips and he bites down lightly, licking the spot before wasting no time and moving his mouth over to jesper's cock.
he let's his cock rest heavily against his tongue for a moment before taking him in a further and letting him hit the back of his throat, seeing what kind of reaction that got from the other man. )
[Jesper doesn't have to ask him twice. Kell sheds his coat and kicks off his shoes to join him on the bed. He snuggles as close as he possibly can. Him seeking comfort from the other person is not even rare. It practically never happens. That it does with Jesper is evidence to how far they have gone together, and how much Jesper in all that he says and does affects Kell. Unusual, amazing, impossible, challenging, but always, always in a good way. Makes him think, makes him see things differently.]
I never thought about it this way.
[He admits readily, because this is Jesper, and just as he said, he trusts Jesper. It feels like a privilege when Jesper shares some of his horror with him. It's only then that Kell understands what he said first.
Kell reaches for Jesper's hand, intertwines their fingers. He knows, he understands the black, burning poison of just wanting to erase someone from the face of the world. He killed people in the past. Not in anger, no, this would be too much like him. He did it cold and methodical. Slowly planning and executing his vengeance. Made them feel they were dying. Bone magic makes up for an awfully painful way to die.]
It's awful. It's fucked up. I know that's not you, but I understand it.
[Kell has no illusions what his training was all for. What he was expected to do in case Rhy was in danger. But this is different. It's the rage that does not go away even if after the danger did.]
So do I. I'm not proud of it. Not at all. It just is what it is.
[Thing is, they're both killers. Kell led sheltered life so he didn't have to fight for survival. Lila called him spoiled princeling, and she was right, but he has an edge to him that Rhy doesn't.
He was against leaving any acolytes alive. Even those that surrendered. He obliterated the pair that got on their trail when they were fleeing through the mountains. Call it self-defense, and it even was, but his use of force was so excessive that he shocked Dante who was there with him.]
I never thought about it this way.
[He admits readily, because this is Jesper, and just as he said, he trusts Jesper. It feels like a privilege when Jesper shares some of his horror with him. It's only then that Kell understands what he said first.
Kell reaches for Jesper's hand, intertwines their fingers. He knows, he understands the black, burning poison of just wanting to erase someone from the face of the world. He killed people in the past. Not in anger, no, this would be too much like him. He did it cold and methodical. Slowly planning and executing his vengeance. Made them feel they were dying. Bone magic makes up for an awfully painful way to die.]
It's awful. It's fucked up. I know that's not you, but I understand it.
[Kell has no illusions what his training was all for. What he was expected to do in case Rhy was in danger. But this is different. It's the rage that does not go away even if after the danger did.]
So do I. I'm not proud of it. Not at all. It just is what it is.
[Thing is, they're both killers. Kell led sheltered life so he didn't have to fight for survival. Lila called him spoiled princeling, and she was right, but he has an edge to him that Rhy doesn't.
He was against leaving any acolytes alive. Even those that surrendered. He obliterated the pair that got on their trail when they were fleeing through the mountains. Call it self-defense, and it even was, but his use of force was so excessive that he shocked Dante who was there with him.]
Edited (i guess i must surrender to always having to edit ...) 2023-11-21 12:36 (UTC)
( Jesper likes being admired and it's clear from the glint in silver eyes that he enjoys Nikolai looking at him that way. He knows he's attractive but it doesn't mean he likes this any less. Nikolai also knows he's attractive, the two of them are matched that way. Swaggering confidence is very attractive.
He catches his breath when Nikolai bites his hip and smoothes fingers through his hands, his cock already hard and ready for some attention. He was hoping for no teasing at this point, he's well past that, so he's grateful that Nikolai goes right for it.
What he doesn't expect is to be deep-throated right away and so Nikolai manages to surprise him in the best possible sense. His fingers tighten in Nikolai's hair, gasping.)
Fuck, yes.
( The other hand grips the sheets but he lifts it to try and focus on the lubricant in his jacket and snap it over to them.)
Are you going to fuck me, sweetheart?
He catches his breath when Nikolai bites his hip and smoothes fingers through his hands, his cock already hard and ready for some attention. He was hoping for no teasing at this point, he's well past that, so he's grateful that Nikolai goes right for it.
What he doesn't expect is to be deep-throated right away and so Nikolai manages to surprise him in the best possible sense. His fingers tighten in Nikolai's hair, gasping.)
Fuck, yes.
( The other hand grips the sheets but he lifts it to try and focus on the lubricant in his jacket and snap it over to them.)
Are you going to fuck me, sweetheart?
[ Jesper is happy to cuddle so he moves onto his side to face Kell and loops an arm around him, curling in close to him. He lets him take his hand but it's clear that even the confession disturbs him. Some of his cheerful walls are coming down and he sighs, running his thumb along Kell's knuckles. ]
I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.
I've killed a lot of people. More than I want some of the people I love here to know.
[ But he's trusting Kell with that information. He's not going to tell Wilhelm about how he's a murderer who went on a berserker state to get them back. He hasn't even told Mat the extent of what he did to get them back, anything he could do, anything that was put in front of him as a possibility. Whether that was torture or jumping into the lake in Aquila and diving to the very bottom in a questionable underwater suit. If he drowned down there he'd know he did it trying to save them.
He definitely doesn't want Sam to know. He didn't want Sam to know a damned thing about any actions he took during that and intentionally hid it from him. Sam's too good to know the extent of what his adopted kid can do. He's probably guessed that Jesper has done some questionable things, and as a soldier he'd understand, but the loss of that love is something he's experienced from his father. He can't risk it again. ]
But it was usually in fights or because of the gang wars, there were reasons. I had a reason here too, but I couldn't stop, I was in a bloodlust by the end.
[ Jesper was in the rescue team and he killed quite a few more people before he got to the survivors. Luckily when he did get to them, he was able to shift his brain to protecting them, dragging Kaz and Inej back to safety instead of going after their captors. So he was able to shake himself out of it, he wasn't so far gone.
Jesper is more serious than he's ever been around Kell for this entire thing. He knows that Kell won't judge him, considering he mentioned torture and he was reassured right away, but it's more that he's judging himself. Because he went over the line. He's always going over the line. Too much gambling, too much killing, too much sex. He doesn't do things in halves, all or nothing. ]
I would have done anything to get you back, to get you all back.
I think so, yes.
( he can hear the rustling from above, realizing jesper's doing something that most likely helps prepare him but nikolai doesn't look right off. he sucks at the head of jesper's cock and then takes him in his mouth again, going deep and holding it before pulling off. )
But I had to get a quick taste first and I wasn't disappointed.
( because of course he wasn't. )
( he can hear the rustling from above, realizing jesper's doing something that most likely helps prepare him but nikolai doesn't look right off. he sucks at the head of jesper's cock and then takes him in his mouth again, going deep and holding it before pulling off. )
But I had to get a quick taste first and I wasn't disappointed.
( because of course he wasn't. )
I mean, I'm easy, if you prefer it the other way I'm game. You just -- Saints.
( His mouth can do nothing more than moan for a few seconds as he sucks the head and he has a full body shiver, dropping his head back and breathing unsteadily. Nikolai has to stop doing that deep perfect wet and hot slide or he's going to pass out. He pats his head, focusing on keeping it together.)
Have to stop doing that if I'm trying not to come.
( Continuing his thought from before in a breathless way. If he is given permission to fuck into that mouth he's going to take it and then he'll need a few minutes ... but not that long. Jesper's refractory period is exactly what one would expect of a young intensely sexual man.)
( His mouth can do nothing more than moan for a few seconds as he sucks the head and he has a full body shiver, dropping his head back and breathing unsteadily. Nikolai has to stop doing that deep perfect wet and hot slide or he's going to pass out. He pats his head, focusing on keeping it together.)
Have to stop doing that if I'm trying not to come.
( Continuing his thought from before in a breathless way. If he is given permission to fuck into that mouth he's going to take it and then he'll need a few minutes ... but not that long. Jesper's refractory period is exactly what one would expect of a young intensely sexual man.)
If I was on the outside, with Wilhelm and Mat and Istredd in? I probably would have done the same. I would have done everything to get them back. And I mean everything.
[They both have sides to themselves that are pretty scary. Kell doesn't know what to think about that he's more fine with himself being monstrous that he is with feeling weak. As if some of the cold steel of White London seeped into his blood through all those visits over the years, and stayed there. But he knows what he sees, because he recognizes it in himself.]
That's desperation. You were desperate. In desperation, we can do unthinkable. [He knows he did. The black, spidery lines of the magic seal on his chest are evidence of it.] But you came back.
[There's determination in Kell's voice to get his message across. Not only for Jesper. He is saying it to him, yes, but he's also saying it for himself as much. He needs to believe that no matter how far he'd go off the rails, he'll be able to come back. For Rhy. For Istredd, for Jesper, and Mat, and Kyle... he has so many people here to come back to.]
You came back for them.
[Kell closes his eyes, he kisses Jesper, whispering against his lips.]
You came back for me. I think that's pretty awesome.
[Saints, it must be love. What else can it be? They're telling each other things that would have scared away most people, but Kell sees this as dedication. Something he has too. Something that can, and did, make him do horrible things. And instead of being repulsed, it makes him attracted to Jesper more. Their shadows match, and it's terrifying, and beautiful, and powerful. But Kell is not attracted to Jesper's shadow, but to that even having it, Jesper is still Jesper. The shadow is part of him, but not all about him. He can shake it off. Break away from its influence. His light shines stronger for it, and to Kell that's irresistible.]
To me, you are perfect.
[They both have sides to themselves that are pretty scary. Kell doesn't know what to think about that he's more fine with himself being monstrous that he is with feeling weak. As if some of the cold steel of White London seeped into his blood through all those visits over the years, and stayed there. But he knows what he sees, because he recognizes it in himself.]
That's desperation. You were desperate. In desperation, we can do unthinkable. [He knows he did. The black, spidery lines of the magic seal on his chest are evidence of it.] But you came back.
[There's determination in Kell's voice to get his message across. Not only for Jesper. He is saying it to him, yes, but he's also saying it for himself as much. He needs to believe that no matter how far he'd go off the rails, he'll be able to come back. For Rhy. For Istredd, for Jesper, and Mat, and Kyle... he has so many people here to come back to.]
You came back for them.
[Kell closes his eyes, he kisses Jesper, whispering against his lips.]
You came back for me. I think that's pretty awesome.
[Saints, it must be love. What else can it be? They're telling each other things that would have scared away most people, but Kell sees this as dedication. Something he has too. Something that can, and did, make him do horrible things. And instead of being repulsed, it makes him attracted to Jesper more. Their shadows match, and it's terrifying, and beautiful, and powerful. But Kell is not attracted to Jesper's shadow, but to that even having it, Jesper is still Jesper. The shadow is part of him, but not all about him. He can shake it off. Break away from its influence. His light shines stronger for it, and to Kell that's irresistible.]
To me, you are perfect.
[ There is a long pause where he takes that in. ]
I'm sorry.
[ A shorter pause, then: ]
I gave her something after the kidnappings when everyone was recovering in Nocwich. A small blade made of blackened bone. I wanted her to have its protection.
If it's been left behind, I have to ask that you destroy it. It's a symbol of my faith, something we shared. It's not for anyone else's hands.
I'm sorry.
[ A shorter pause, then: ]
I gave her something after the kidnappings when everyone was recovering in Nocwich. A small blade made of blackened bone. I wanted her to have its protection.
If it's been left behind, I have to ask that you destroy it. It's a symbol of my faith, something we shared. It's not for anyone else's hands.
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